(no subject)
What is it about the eve of a new year?
It doesn't matter whether it's Dec. 31 or the eve of whatever day is slotted as the day before the lunar new year starts. I'm just filled with this sense of, "Oh, fucking hell. What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
Of course, maybe that's just me.
Me and my exisistential angst --- a roller coaster ride I seemed to have hopped onto during my teens and from which I have yet to jump off of.
Tonight, we had this big dinner --- nothing really fancy, per se. I mean, we weren't exactly combing the recipe books for elaborate dishes that would take a good chunk of the day to prepare or anything fancy or especially tasty.
Instead, we had the traditional Chinese dishes --- roasted pork, chicken, shrimp, bok choy, and hair soup.
Okay. It's not really hair soup. It's some sort of weird stuff from the ocean, I think, and it sort of looks like hair and we eat it because it's supposed to give us good luck for the new year.
Needless to say, I ate tons of it. I'm surprised I didn't choke and gag on it.
Hey, superstition or not, I'll eat anything that might help bring a bit of good luck my way.
Mum also made this sea cucumber dish. We told Sister 2's boyfriend that it was sea worms and that's probably why he didn't want to eat it. But being the uber-polite guest, he took some anyways and managed to get it down.
Don't know if I'll head out to the Buddhist temple later tonight, though. I mean, I'm not particularly religious and I've always been kind of suspicious about the way the Chinese follow Buddhism. It just doesn't seem kosher, for some reason. Like, they offer stuff as a way of bribing the gods to help them out. I mean, isn't Buddhism supposed to be a way of life where you're supposed to give good karma to get good karma? Doesn't anyone watch "My Name is Earl"?
It's always crowded and being stuck inside a car, trying to join the throngs of other Chinese people stampeding over to the temple doesn't seem like my ideal way to spend a Saturday night. But then again, on a night like tonight, when it's nice and relatively balmy, I'd rather be out than at home.
But mum wanted us home to celebrate together.
Not like I had any plans tonight, anyways. I made it a point to plan around today. I thought I might be too sore from a trip to the dentist --- bleeding, swollen gums and all. But guess what? No cavities!
Anyways, I guess I'm trying to chalk my sour ass mood up to today being the eve of the lunar new year. (Note how I keep writing "Lunar New Year" instead of Chinese New Year. I mean, I know other Asians celebrate this time of year, too. It's kind of slap in the face to them when newspapers like the Toronto Star keep labelling it "Chinese New Year".)
The thing is, my sour ass mood started a few days back.
I just came to certain realizations about my life and it's like, once they hit, I was spiralling downwards into this pit of depression, just thinking about how much my life sucked.
While I was helping mum to wash up, I sort of wondered how I managed to escape from my other bouts of depression. I mean, I've been here before. I survived the past episodes. I'll survive this one, right?
I was all keyed up and needed to get out so I went for a walk this afternoon. Just wandered around aimlessly like I do when I'm at work and it's my lunch break. Just walked up and down the streets, turning corners when I felt like it, plugged in my MP3 player, cranked up the volume, put one foot in front of the other and just kept walking. Sort of felt like I could walk forever if I felt like it and just walk right out of Toronto with just the clothes on my back and maybe start over some place else.
Not exactly the most realistic plan in the world, but you know, I think I'm kind of not thinking straight right now.
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say?
Drown my sorrows away...
It feels like something's just missing inside...
Time, time, ticking on me...
- Brandi Carlile, "What Can I Say?"
It's funny how I'll always find a song that just sums up how I'm feeling.
Ugh. Just want to get out of this funk that I'm in right now.
I mean, I hate this fucking self-pity thing that I've got going. But it's so bloody hard to climb out of once you're totally mired in it. I actually found myself so fucking depressed, a few tears welled up from behind my sunglasses as I was walking today. Tilted my face up to the sun and let the wind dry my tears and felt kind of relieved that nobody was around to see me.
We all have our moments of weakness, you know?
The important thing is how we deal with those moments and resolve to move past it.
Makes me think about what Meredith would say on Grey's Anatomy:
"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."
It doesn't matter whether it's Dec. 31 or the eve of whatever day is slotted as the day before the lunar new year starts. I'm just filled with this sense of, "Oh, fucking hell. What the fuck am I doing with my life?"
Of course, maybe that's just me.
Me and my exisistential angst --- a roller coaster ride I seemed to have hopped onto during my teens and from which I have yet to jump off of.
Tonight, we had this big dinner --- nothing really fancy, per se. I mean, we weren't exactly combing the recipe books for elaborate dishes that would take a good chunk of the day to prepare or anything fancy or especially tasty.
Instead, we had the traditional Chinese dishes --- roasted pork, chicken, shrimp, bok choy, and hair soup.
Okay. It's not really hair soup. It's some sort of weird stuff from the ocean, I think, and it sort of looks like hair and we eat it because it's supposed to give us good luck for the new year.
Needless to say, I ate tons of it. I'm surprised I didn't choke and gag on it.
Hey, superstition or not, I'll eat anything that might help bring a bit of good luck my way.
Mum also made this sea cucumber dish. We told Sister 2's boyfriend that it was sea worms and that's probably why he didn't want to eat it. But being the uber-polite guest, he took some anyways and managed to get it down.
Don't know if I'll head out to the Buddhist temple later tonight, though. I mean, I'm not particularly religious and I've always been kind of suspicious about the way the Chinese follow Buddhism. It just doesn't seem kosher, for some reason. Like, they offer stuff as a way of bribing the gods to help them out. I mean, isn't Buddhism supposed to be a way of life where you're supposed to give good karma to get good karma? Doesn't anyone watch "My Name is Earl"?
It's always crowded and being stuck inside a car, trying to join the throngs of other Chinese people stampeding over to the temple doesn't seem like my ideal way to spend a Saturday night. But then again, on a night like tonight, when it's nice and relatively balmy, I'd rather be out than at home.
But mum wanted us home to celebrate together.
Not like I had any plans tonight, anyways. I made it a point to plan around today. I thought I might be too sore from a trip to the dentist --- bleeding, swollen gums and all. But guess what? No cavities!
Anyways, I guess I'm trying to chalk my sour ass mood up to today being the eve of the lunar new year. (Note how I keep writing "Lunar New Year" instead of Chinese New Year. I mean, I know other Asians celebrate this time of year, too. It's kind of slap in the face to them when newspapers like the Toronto Star keep labelling it "Chinese New Year".)
The thing is, my sour ass mood started a few days back.
I just came to certain realizations about my life and it's like, once they hit, I was spiralling downwards into this pit of depression, just thinking about how much my life sucked.
While I was helping mum to wash up, I sort of wondered how I managed to escape from my other bouts of depression. I mean, I've been here before. I survived the past episodes. I'll survive this one, right?
I was all keyed up and needed to get out so I went for a walk this afternoon. Just wandered around aimlessly like I do when I'm at work and it's my lunch break. Just walked up and down the streets, turning corners when I felt like it, plugged in my MP3 player, cranked up the volume, put one foot in front of the other and just kept walking. Sort of felt like I could walk forever if I felt like it and just walk right out of Toronto with just the clothes on my back and maybe start over some place else.
Not exactly the most realistic plan in the world, but you know, I think I'm kind of not thinking straight right now.
Alone is the last place I wanted to be
Lord, what can I say?
Drown my sorrows away...
It feels like something's just missing inside...
Time, time, ticking on me...
- Brandi Carlile, "What Can I Say?"
It's funny how I'll always find a song that just sums up how I'm feeling.
Ugh. Just want to get out of this funk that I'm in right now.
I mean, I hate this fucking self-pity thing that I've got going. But it's so bloody hard to climb out of once you're totally mired in it. I actually found myself so fucking depressed, a few tears welled up from behind my sunglasses as I was walking today. Tilted my face up to the sun and let the wind dry my tears and felt kind of relieved that nobody was around to see me.
We all have our moments of weakness, you know?
The important thing is how we deal with those moments and resolve to move past it.
Makes me think about what Meredith would say on Grey's Anatomy:
"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success.
Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today.
This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say.
I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo?
The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day.
Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."