Tomato Thievery
To the Person or Persons Habitually Stealing My Tomatoes:
First off, if you're homeless and/or starving, I shall forgive you.
If, however, you are not, and are just stealing because hey look, a tomato!, well then I have a message for you.
To preface that message, Fuck You.
Here's the thing. It's fruit, right? All fruit growing on trees and vines, well, it's appealing. I get it. Forbidden. There's history there.
Personally, I will admit to the fact that I've seen a bounteous lemon or lime tree and have, on occasion, taken a fruit that does not belong to me. I will use skewed judgment though, that being, if there is obviously fruit on the ground just kind of rotting away, I will assume the fruit's owner isn't that concerned and won't mind me taking one or two fruits to be actually enjoyed.
Honestly though, I've never taken a tomato. Nor have I entered a person's yard. If it's hanging over the sidewalk, well, fair game.
My tomatoes are not hanging over the sidewalk.
The other thing? I got three tomatoes out of this plant this year. Three. And at that, it was a fucking struggle. It's nearly died, like, 5 times. The plant's vines weren't bending under the weight of numerous tomatoes, it wasn't huge and flourish-y - it actually already kind of looks dead. The leaves are dry and crinkled, half the plant is actually dead, in fact. I'm saying it looks pathetic. The fact that the three smallish (big boy, even) toms I got were finally starting to ripen was a big deal. This is my second year of growing these kinds of tomatoes alone. Guess what? I'VE NEVER GOTTEN TO FUCKING EAT ONE BECAUSE YOU KEEP STEALING THEM!!!
It's not like I have a huge garden and won't miss a tomato. There are two plants that are growing food. One is a cherry tomato plant, and the other is the big boy plant. It's going to be obvious that you took it. There was no, "She's probably not going to miss it." here.
Three days ago, I observed that one of the three fruits, the biggest one, was missing. My roommates did not take it, nor was it on the ground. Therefore, I concluded that I had been tomato raped. Yes, raped. I felt an intrusion and it was unpleasant.
Just a few minutes ago, when I left to take the dog for a walk and was considering plucking the largest of the two remaining, oh hey guess what, it was fucking gone, too.
You are rude.
There is one left. It is wee, and under sized, and half green. But guess what I fucking did? I plucked it. It will now have to ripen on my windowsill as opposed to on the vine, because you can't keep your fucking greedy fingers to yourself.
I hope you enjoyed your ill-gotten tomato, and I hope it tastes like ass.
Will I enjoy my one, weeny spite tomato? Probably not, so thank you.
Asshole.
First off, if you're homeless and/or starving, I shall forgive you.
If, however, you are not, and are just stealing because hey look, a tomato!, well then I have a message for you.
To preface that message, Fuck You.
Here's the thing. It's fruit, right? All fruit growing on trees and vines, well, it's appealing. I get it. Forbidden. There's history there.
Personally, I will admit to the fact that I've seen a bounteous lemon or lime tree and have, on occasion, taken a fruit that does not belong to me. I will use skewed judgment though, that being, if there is obviously fruit on the ground just kind of rotting away, I will assume the fruit's owner isn't that concerned and won't mind me taking one or two fruits to be actually enjoyed.
Honestly though, I've never taken a tomato. Nor have I entered a person's yard. If it's hanging over the sidewalk, well, fair game.
My tomatoes are not hanging over the sidewalk.
The other thing? I got three tomatoes out of this plant this year. Three. And at that, it was a fucking struggle. It's nearly died, like, 5 times. The plant's vines weren't bending under the weight of numerous tomatoes, it wasn't huge and flourish-y - it actually already kind of looks dead. The leaves are dry and crinkled, half the plant is actually dead, in fact. I'm saying it looks pathetic. The fact that the three smallish (big boy, even) toms I got were finally starting to ripen was a big deal. This is my second year of growing these kinds of tomatoes alone. Guess what? I'VE NEVER GOTTEN TO FUCKING EAT ONE BECAUSE YOU KEEP STEALING THEM!!!
It's not like I have a huge garden and won't miss a tomato. There are two plants that are growing food. One is a cherry tomato plant, and the other is the big boy plant. It's going to be obvious that you took it. There was no, "She's probably not going to miss it." here.
Three days ago, I observed that one of the three fruits, the biggest one, was missing. My roommates did not take it, nor was it on the ground. Therefore, I concluded that I had been tomato raped. Yes, raped. I felt an intrusion and it was unpleasant.
Just a few minutes ago, when I left to take the dog for a walk and was considering plucking the largest of the two remaining, oh hey guess what, it was fucking gone, too.
You are rude.
There is one left. It is wee, and under sized, and half green. But guess what I fucking did? I plucked it. It will now have to ripen on my windowsill as opposed to on the vine, because you can't keep your fucking greedy fingers to yourself.
I hope you enjoyed your ill-gotten tomato, and I hope it tastes like ass.
Will I enjoy my one, weeny spite tomato? Probably not, so thank you.
Asshole.