(no subject)
So the depression has come back, and I am all over the place. I lost 5 pounds last week because I've not been eating. Not slept much either. Neither of these goes well with pregnancy. The midwife, the GP, the counsellor have all suggested more and more forcefully that I go back on the pills. I have declined. Last night, after listening to me blub for an hour, the midwife told me that if I'm not going back on the pills, I'm going to need to dig deep and basically sort my shit out.
This feeling has been building for a few weeks, but it cemented itself in when the bloke announced he has a new girlfriend. We weren't together, but I was round there a lot and saw him most days. I always thought we'd get back together. I love him. Now he doesn't have time for me, she is always there. If she's not about everything is fine, we chat and everything is the same as before. When she is there he won't even talk on the phone for 5 minutes, my texts go unanswered, he doesn't want to know. He says he wants me to be housed near him so that he can see me all the time, see the baby, be there. He says nothing has to change, that he still wants to be there for me and look after me. And yes, he still pays for things, and I still go up there on Sundays and when we are together it's fine. But she was there last night and the night before, she will be there tomorrow night, and the one after that, and all day Saturday. Which means I can't be there, in any way, even on the phone or by text. I must be banished from the house and do not exist.
Before this, I wanted to just lay down and admit defeat, let someone else take responsibility for my life for a while. Now I feel about a hundred times worse. With all the uncertainty in my life, the impending homelessness, my lack of actual people physically knocking on my door to see if I'm ok and spend time with me, he was the one thing I relied upon. I knew I could call him when it all got too much and I needed a hug. I could decide on a whim that I wanted some company, and just get on a bus. My rock. He loved me and I loved him and we looked out for each other and I believed everything would be ok. It wasn't the ideal situation to be having a baby, but I believed it would work. Now I have no clue at all how it will work and I am scared. I have 10 weeks left and nowhere to live, nobody to call, no shoulder to cry on.
For the better part of a month, I have dragged myself through work and fought off tears all the way home. Often I have not made it home before the tears came, and I've had to hide my face when passing people who might recognise me. My hormones are everywhere. I dread coming home because once I shut that door, I am alone. I finish work in 3 weeks. I was looking forward to that, to having all this spare time. I was going to see the bloke and the kids more, sleep there in the week, organise my new house, prepare for the baby. Now I have no new house, and nowhere to spend my free time except shut into this awful place in my head. I am dreading finishing work. I don't know what to do.
I can't call people and ask for help, I have already put them through enough the last time this happened. People have their own problems and pregnant women are supposed to be happy and calm like a Hindu cow. They're supposed to make other people smile. Pregnant women are not supposed to sit alone on a sofa, 100% convinced that if there wasn't a baby in their belly they would have jumped under a bus by now.
This feeling has been building for a few weeks, but it cemented itself in when the bloke announced he has a new girlfriend. We weren't together, but I was round there a lot and saw him most days. I always thought we'd get back together. I love him. Now he doesn't have time for me, she is always there. If she's not about everything is fine, we chat and everything is the same as before. When she is there he won't even talk on the phone for 5 minutes, my texts go unanswered, he doesn't want to know. He says he wants me to be housed near him so that he can see me all the time, see the baby, be there. He says nothing has to change, that he still wants to be there for me and look after me. And yes, he still pays for things, and I still go up there on Sundays and when we are together it's fine. But she was there last night and the night before, she will be there tomorrow night, and the one after that, and all day Saturday. Which means I can't be there, in any way, even on the phone or by text. I must be banished from the house and do not exist.
Before this, I wanted to just lay down and admit defeat, let someone else take responsibility for my life for a while. Now I feel about a hundred times worse. With all the uncertainty in my life, the impending homelessness, my lack of actual people physically knocking on my door to see if I'm ok and spend time with me, he was the one thing I relied upon. I knew I could call him when it all got too much and I needed a hug. I could decide on a whim that I wanted some company, and just get on a bus. My rock. He loved me and I loved him and we looked out for each other and I believed everything would be ok. It wasn't the ideal situation to be having a baby, but I believed it would work. Now I have no clue at all how it will work and I am scared. I have 10 weeks left and nowhere to live, nobody to call, no shoulder to cry on.
For the better part of a month, I have dragged myself through work and fought off tears all the way home. Often I have not made it home before the tears came, and I've had to hide my face when passing people who might recognise me. My hormones are everywhere. I dread coming home because once I shut that door, I am alone. I finish work in 3 weeks. I was looking forward to that, to having all this spare time. I was going to see the bloke and the kids more, sleep there in the week, organise my new house, prepare for the baby. Now I have no new house, and nowhere to spend my free time except shut into this awful place in my head. I am dreading finishing work. I don't know what to do.
I can't call people and ask for help, I have already put them through enough the last time this happened. People have their own problems and pregnant women are supposed to be happy and calm like a Hindu cow. They're supposed to make other people smile. Pregnant women are not supposed to sit alone on a sofa, 100% convinced that if there wasn't a baby in their belly they would have jumped under a bus by now.