(no subject)
My keyboard is fucking up, and just deleted an hour of writing :( so im going to keep it short and save often and update this all properly once i have a new keyboard.
Covid19
living at Kristina's
me cutting myself
working at the cafe during covid
adventuring with Brooke
and now for the final few chapters to this America Life portion of my journals....
I think me and Mel have broken up. i know i'm a little autistic sometimes so i do need clear signals to be able to read things... but i'm pretty sure 'FUCK OFF' is about as clear as it gets... still im hoping it doesn't mean that :/
one of the biggest issues that me and Mel have been having through this entire relationship is my neurotic tendency for needing validation and affirmations (which i have found out is kind of a basic human need). She is very busy with school, and has a tendency to ghost me for days at a time. And this led to me cutting myself, and a few other instances with me drunkenly texting passive comments when i was feeling low and unloved... which then created drama and arguments.
eventually i figured out the cause of our arguments, but still ive been unhappy. i didn't feel like she was really that interested in me. I tried talking to her about this... all's i really need is the occasional 'i love you, 'i miss you', 'hey, sorry ive been busy but i'm thinking about you'... and my neuroses would be sated, i would feel loved and normalcy would be instantly restored.
so, when i went on this road trip with Brooke (more on that trip later), but for now we will forward to friday morning, i had had no sleep listening to the entertaining drama unfolding on the other side of the stream.
im sitting drinking cocktails waiting for the police to arrive and giggling to myself while tending a lovely fire. A girl from the other camp calls across and asks to join me by my fire. We get to chatting, she tells me all about how shes just finished combat training in the air force and wants to become a field medic, but now she is furloughed due to the Covid... she tells me about being a cam girl, and she is an online dominatrix model in her spare time - so i tell her all about Melanie - and how she is in school to become a nurse and about her online foot and fetish thing. (nurses with online fetishes - maybe i do have a type)... and about all these problems with OnlyFans ive been reading about lately.
We also talk about burning man, and 4th Juplaya and she seems really interested and says she wants to meet up out there and offers me her phone number... which i really awkwardly decline in a flush of embarrassment... i finally understand at that point that she has probably been flirting with me, but i have been telling her all about my girlfriend for the past 5 minutes straight so its a little confusing. I tell her that she is really attractive and it probably wouldn't be a good idea to take her number especially considering how jealous Mel gets.
the drama over the river finishes, and me and Brooke pack up to go home... i'm pouring another sneaky road cocktail, and i start to get gloomy... its that 'grass is always greener on the other side' kind of mentality. But Mel is important to me, and im going to stick with it, and ignore all other distractions however platinum-haired dominatrixy the distraction is... i was being a good boy, i didnt take her number!!! - but in my drunken haze now for some reason i needed to tell Mel about it, maybe it was a 'hey look you nearly lost me, better start acting like you give a crap'...
... it came out as “we should talk. i met someone... its not bad, but im a little unhappy (but not going to break up with you)”...
so yeah... Mel blocked me on facebook, and told me to FUCK OFF when i texted her.
im going to get very drunk today, i called in sick for work tomorrow. i really loved Mel and would do anything for her, but in the back of my mind ive kind of always felt like she was always about to break up with me. Everyone wants and needs to feel safe in a relationship in order for it to survive
im going to figure things out in my head for a few days. then get Minx's shots up to date and her passport sorted out, and make plans to get a flight home. There's not really anything for me in America anymore.