Fic: Observations, Ch 249
I have no control over my emotions.
One minute I rage against the universe and the utter illogic of it all, the next minute the rage leaves me and I am shattered.
I go to the gymnasium and destroy all the equipment there. I want to kill something, but I will not allow my emotion to spin out control to that extent. So I go and pit my strength against the various exercise machines and demolish them.
The first time this happened, everyone in the vicinity stared at me with fear. Someone commed the captain and Dr. McCoy, and they came running.
I do not know how long they stood and watched me tear machines apart. By the time I was done, my chest was heaving and I walked to a wall, completely spent. I sank to the floor and looked at the scattered shreds of equipment and could only think “what have I done. I am going mad.”
I am going mad. Even as I go mad, I embrace it. I want revenge. I regret that Jim killed Bateman and his fellows. I regret that justice is left in the sprawling bureaucracy of the Federation. If I could resurrect them, I would, simply so that I could tear them limb from limb. I would resurrect them a hundred times and each time, kill them some new way.
Kroykah. I am a Vulcan. Vulcans do not entertain revenge fantasies. They do not rampage about rooms and raze ship gymnasiums.
I have no control over my emotions.
Jim issued orders quickly and quietly, his captain’s mask firmly in place. He walked towards me cautiously. It is right that he should be cautious. I have no control over my emotions, and I might kill him.
“Easy there, Spock. It’s okay. Hell, I’m glad you went and did that. Did it feel good?”
I stare at him. He is asking me if this all consuming, completely illogical anger makes me “feel good.” I cannot control my emotions, I might kill him in this madness, and he is asking me about feelings.
“You can do that whenever you want. I’ve got no problem with you destroying everything in this room, if it helps you. I’ll take care of all the Starfleet shit. Destroy whatever the fuck you want.”
I stand to my feet.
Control.
“That will not be necessary, captain. I am in control of myself now. I sincerely apologize for this irresponsible destruction of property. I will explain to Starfleet and accept the consequences of my behavior.”
“Spock,” Jim says softly. Heartbreak pours off him in waves.
“I will return to duty, sir.”
The next day, I destroy everything in my lab.
I have no control over my emotions.