various | five things part two
Assorted lists of five things, varying in length, content, and fandom. The first was written for blizzardseason; the rest for nekopyo's birthday. Collectively, these were originally posted in 09/07. Check tags for warnings.
Supernatural | Sam/Dean | 550 words | scorch | unbeta'd.
Five things Sam never did in college, one of which Dean remedies.
1. Sam had never participated in non-consensual sex. God knows he'd had enough opportunities, what with the rampant drug abuse all over the campus and the never-ending lineup of girls, all equally pretty and compromised - it was almost too easy, and perhaps that's why he abstained. Everybody's got their red lines, and Sam was drawing his in the sand long before he ever went out into the real world.
2. Sam never did that thing where he went to a local concert, got absolutely piss-faced, and woke up in a distressingly public location with someone's lace panties on his head. He's sort of disappointed about that, actually - it always seemed like such an integral part of the college experience, like shared living or test papers. After the first couple of months spent in Dean's company, though, he gets over it - figures he's been through more than enough weird shit to compensate.
3. A teacher. Though not for lack of trying on their part. He's just always had a thing - a bad thing - about mixing work-pleasure relationships. And yes, he is painfully aware Dean is anathema to the fact. Then again, Dean has a way of taking one good, hard look at Sam's lines in the sand, then stepping over them as easily as if he were the tide.
4. Sam never had those mutually traumatizing moments when his parents dropped by his dorm unannounced, and discovered something incriminating and so very, very private. He sort of wishes he had, though, because anything would be better than the alternative, also known as His Life.
5. Despite a vague inclination towards the subject, Sam had never taken a Women's Studies class - a fact which Dean pounced on, then promptly abused. He signed Sam up for a series of "home-taught lessons" on the subject, mainly using the time to talk about his many sexual exploits and how Sam needed to get laid. The funny thing was, when it came to technical experience, it turned out the lessons weren't about women at all.
6 (extraneous, and alternatively titled SAM IS NOT A TOTAL LOSER). Shockingly enough, Sam had taken part in an orgy before, and participated in gay sex, as well. In fact, it happened on the same night, and probably in conjunction.
(He remembers Jessica leading him by the hand, laughing and drunk, through a flat belonging to a friend of a friend, where all night long people plied them with tequilas and nachos and really bad grass. Morning after, he woke up with the hangover of his life, sprawled naked on the living room floor in a carpet of people, all equally passed out and dishabille. There was dry semen and a little blood flaking off his ass, so it didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out what had happened.
He remembers feeling unperturbed, which was slightly disturbing but worth Jessica's elation when she found out, although it wasn't worth her subsequent attempts to pimp him in exchange for shiny things.)
To get to the point, though - all that is why, when Dean pauses in the middle of making out with a pair of breasts long enough to grab Sam by the collar and reel him in, kissing his mouth even as his fingers remain buried knuckle-deep in the girl's sex - that is why, when that happens, Sam feels like he's on familiar ground.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 600 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five times Zack wished he were better with children.
1. Whenever a trainee looked up at him with that kicked-Chocobo expression that's part fear and part hero-worship, before they've been around long enough to know better. Because being in SHINRACORP, you're cut off from the outside world, which makes whoever is stuck inside the fishbowl with you a kind of surrogate family. Training, teaching, guiding these kids through the program - a bond is formed, whether he wants it or not. They're his men, every one, and that makes him into some sort of - oh, crap - parent.
2. Once upon a time, he was telling Aeris about Midgar - the streets, the people, the cracked and rusty shingles overlaying each roof like an avalanche just waiting to happen - when she'd asked him. Just like that. Kaboom.
"Uh." He paused, mid-sentence, right at the climax of a thrilling story about that one time a shopkeep had tried to assassinate him with several well-aimed fish, all of which he'd dodged and one which had actually hit Cloud in the face. "What?"
"It's just, you said earlier," she mumbled, averting her eyes in embarrassment. "About the children in the Central Square, you made them sound so, I-I don't know, I - I guess I'm just being silly." She swallowed. "Sorry."
"What? No, no, no." He said, laying a comforting, friendly arm around her shoulders while simultaneously trying not to freak out, because woah, and also, she's 14. "Nothing to be sorry for, babe. I, just - the joys of parenthood? It's a bit, y'know, early for all that. But hold that thought, babe, hold that thought; I mean, ultimately, one day, who knows?"
That seemed to have the desired affect, and Aeris brightened, though she never broached the subject again. Back then, it had seemed like a double victory.
Now, marching through the frozen mud with his sword on one shoulder and Cloud on the other, he wishes he were better with children - because if Aeris is still alive, waiting for him in some flower-shop; well, maybe he's ready to take her up on the offer. And if he's learned one thing from Nibelheim, it's that the best things are never worth putting off.
3. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in the afterlife. Maybe it's due to the recent Geostigma crisis, or simply because life is a bitch: whatever the reason, it's coming to bite him in the ass. Seriously, he'd hoped his death would be more peaceful than his life - but nooo.
4. He remembers a moment of intense disbelief during his training: browsing the fine print during a mission debriefing, discovering that part of a SOLDIER's mandatory skills include hostage and prisoner care, specifically the ministration of children. He'd stood up, knocking back his chair, and loudly said, "Hojo, what the fuck." Yeah, he'd gotten reprimanded for that one, too.
5. The journey back to Midgar had been silent, overshadowed by constant worry. He'd tried to dispel it whenever he could: talking, joking, doing everything from telling Cloud about his dreams to singing him inappropriate sea-chanties. Unsurprisingly, nothing worked. He didn't stop, though. He just ran out of things to talk about, eventually. So every night, by the light of his wild Mako eyes, he'd be reduced to lullabies, cradling Cloud in his arms and crooning nonsense like hey, hey, Spike, c'mon and shh, it's good, we're gonna be okay. It sounded comforting for a while, but he'd never been good with children, could never say the right things; Cloud had never once opened his eyes, nor stirred to the sound of his voice.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 350 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five compelling arguments why giant swords are better; approved by Sephiroth.
1. Cloud was still training with standard-issue SOLDIER blades, but both he and Sephiroth - the Silver General, that's right - had their own weapons. Tales of the Buster Sword and Masamune lurked wherever there were two or more intrepid trainees; on slow days, even less. And it's not as if he liked to gloat or anything, y'know, it was just that, well - sometimes bigger is better, y'know?
2. Cloud had trained with countless weapons, but everyone knew there was only one for him, and as time went by, the conviction only grew. He remembers when he'd first heard the story of the Buster Sword: sitting in a noisy room, thick with smoke and sharp alcohol, Sephiroth leaning silently against a wall. There had been celebratory drinking, and celebratory feasting, and celebratory things-good-SOLDIER-boys-aren't-supposed-to-do, in force. Zack had clapped him on the back and said, "So you remembered not to grasp the sharp end after all, eh?"
(That was back when they'd all hung out, when nothing had been about Jenova or the Planet, just three unlikely friends talking and laughing and wasting their Shinra-granted salaries. It seems very long ago, or perhaps he's simply getting old.)
It's nostalgic, and he thinks back to that story, then to his own recollection of picking up the Buster Sword. He'll never know, of course, but he thinks that if they were here and sane again, both Zack and Sephiroth would approve.
3. Hewley's Law:
"As the size and breadth of the of a weapon increase, the probability of its wielder winning the match approaches one."
He thinks, as Kadaj dissipates into puppies and rainbows and synthetic light before his eyes, that even Sephiroth would be forced to agree with that one.
4. How art thou useful, greatsword? Let me count the ways. No, really, here's a list: sword, club, impromptu shield, impromptu tombstone, tent pole, paperweight, normal weight, lean-to, reflective signal, and while Sephiroth probably hadn't ever used it as a joker card in strip poker, he'd seen Zack do it enough times to count as a partner in crime, which, really, is practically the same as condoning.
5. Proven fact: chicks dig the sword. Sephiroth would probably have objected to this clause, but as it happened, too many of them happened to be influential game designers bearing not-inconsiderable contracts with SQUARE-ENIX.
Final Fantasy VII | Zack/Aeris | 1200 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five things Zack got Aeris from Midgar to cheer her up
1. "A... ribbon?"
"Two." Zack said, tall and dark and looming cheerfully. "Pretty girl like you, running around the complex; wouldn't want your hair to get snagged or something, right?"
"Thank you, I, I don't know what to say..." Aeris stared at the ribbons in her hands; soft cloth dyed a beautiful bright pink, snaking between her fingers like two rivers running together. She felt a blush staining her cheeks, spreading like bushfire to her ears, her neck; Zack chuckled and took the ribbons from her hands, then turned her around in a businesslike fashion. "Here, let me help you with that."
She stood ramrod-straight, awkward and giddy, trying not to fidget as Zack's fingers parted her hair. It felt nice: a gentle tugging on her scalp, strands twining around each other, big calloused hands grazing the tips of her ears. She couldn't see what he was doing, but she felt the sudden rush of air against the back of her neck, as if a blanket had been lifted and unraveled, re-woven in a new and pleasantly collected shape.
"Feels good, doesn't it?" She could feel Zack's grin from behind her, lopsided and radiant. "Thought you'd like it. Trust me, in this summer, loose hair is a death wish. Just ask Sephiroth." Then, without warning, he twisted her around and held up a mirror. "There. It's the latest fashion in Midgar, and by gods, lassie, it was just made for your pretty face."
Aeris stared into the mirror, entranced: it was like looking at a picture, or a stranger's reflection. Two artistically-arranged falls of hair framed her face, two more over her ears; the rest of her hair was collected into a thick braid, bound to the back of her head by one ribbon, and collected at the end by another. She grabbed the braid and brought the end over her shoulder; bright, cheerful pink made her mousy brown hair appear uncommonly lustrous.
Zack was smiling at her. "Tell me if you want any more colors, love, though I think pink suits you best. Smile for me? Ah, there, see, I was right; you really are the most beautiful girl in town."
2. "Hey, what're you doing over there, girl?"
"Zack? I'm not-"
"Doing a shoddy job of spying, that's what! Don't you have any dignity? Sitting here, staring out the window like a fish, meddling in other good people's business! What were you thinking?"
"No, no, I wasn't, I was only-"
"Honestly, no respect for the profession! First of all, this window looks out on the church parish and nothing interesting ever happens there; if you want a good view, you have to go over to the second-right corridor in the West Wing, there's a grand view of the Town Square. Second, have I taught you nothing, girl? You're not a SOLDIER, are you?"
"N-no, I-"
"So you don't have any supernatural eyes to see with, right? Then obviously you're going to need this!"
"What is it?"
"Binoculars, love. You put them like this, and tune them, here, and here, like that - aha! See? Now we're talking. Next time you want to meddle in other good people's affairs, remember to do it the proper way, love. Now come on, there's a rabble fight going on in the Town Square, let's go and see, eh?"
3. Zack burst into the room like a small but heavily-armed tornado, holding an enormous box under his arm and belting out "Who's the birthday girl?"
"You know, one of these days Hojo's going to put you in a gag," Aeris quipped from where she was sitting on the windowsill, binoculars slung around her neck. "That would probably teach you to be quiet when we're one room away from his lab."
"Well, it won't be for lack of warning on your part, love." Zack said, crouching and putting down the crate with extraordinary care. "What's happening in the Town Square on this most blessed of days?"
"Rabble fight." Aeris supplied. "Again."
"Well, people can't be helped, I guess." Zack plopped down next to her, then gestured at the box now standing in the middle of the room. "Wanna guess what that is?"
"My birthday present?" Aeris hazarded. Zack looked astounded.
"A regular SHINRA prodigy, you are. Any smarter than that and they'll send the Turks out to get you." Aeris looked faintly amused. "Don't you want to open it?"
"Will it explode?"
"Would I do that to you?" At Aeris' look, he grew defensive. "Last year was an accident!"
"Accident, my smelly fish. Mother nearly had a heart attack when I walked into her quarters."
"Just open it, lady." Zack grumbled, and Aeris, feeling generous on this day of days, complied without fuss.
The next few moments would remain in Zack's memory for the rest of his life.
"Oh my gods!"
"Like it, do you?"
"Oh my gods!"
"I'll take that as a yes?"
"Ohmygods!"
The Golden Chocobo was a tiny thing, slightly larger than the palm of one hand, and chirping happily at the world with wide-eyed curiosity.
"Took a few dozen favors." Zack admitted, "And I owe some people money now. But hey, what's a SOLDIER's salary for, y'know?"
"Oh. My. Gods."
"Hey, keep it down, fervent believer, or I'm not going to be the only one Hojo puts in a gag."
But Zack didn't really mean it, and besides, as evinced when they hugged, and laughed, and screamed (in delight or horror, it depends) as the Chocobo urinated on Zack's shoe, neither of them really cared about Hojo at all.
4. Aeris didn't have an easy life, not even a pleasant one - but she managed it okay, taking one thing at a time and looking on the bright side of things. For every bad thing that happened, she claimed, there was a good thing to balance it out; her early years at SHINRA were often cited as proof of this hypothesis.
She quoted these sense-memories often and lovingly: frost on a windowsill, painting white lattice patterns on the glass before dawn; the smell of her mother's hair, a whiff of color in a world of stainless-steel antiseptic; that morning one day, when Zack brought her flowers without warning, just because; a huge, overflowing bouquet which boasted every specimen imaginable, wrapped in shoddy hemp and shedding petals indiscriminately.
She keeps these images close to her heart, keeps them locked up tight and cherished, so when she wakes up at Elmyra's for the first time and sees nothing but flowers - enormous, beautiful arrays of flowers, stained every color of the rainbow, wrapped in shoddy hemp and shedding petals into her hair - she closes her eyes, and knows she'll be all right.
5. Nobody ever put the question to Aeris, but had they done so, her answer would have been automatic. Zack, during his visits, brought one thing with him - the most important thing - he brought her comfort.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 150 words | mild | unbeta'd crack.
Five ways to breed the legendary Golden Chocobo.
1. Well, you see, when a Mommy Golden Chocobo and a Daddy Golden Chocobo love each other very much, or, in some cases, have stayed out pecking in the meadow and had a bit too much to drink... what? What?
2. Thirty-two steps, with additional tips and warnings against permanent eye damage caused by overexposure to radioactive pixels, or something. Hey, don't look at me like that; it's a valid concern!
3. OR, HOW TO GET RICH IN FIVE EASY STEPS:
1. Purchase a Chocobo.
2. Purchase gold spray-paint.
3. Apply spray-paint to Chocobo.
4. Set up a street booth or sideshow bearing the enormous sign 'SEE THE LEGENDARY GOLDEN CHOCOBO'. Let the cash roll in.
5. Make sure your Chocobo is also an exceptionally fast runner, and that you are both a) proficient at Chocobo-riding, b) unperturbed by the overbearing smell of paint-spray.
4. If you want to get really technical, there's always Rule 34.
5. Aeris knows.
All characters © their respective owners; I claim no right nor profit.
Supernatural | Sam/Dean | 550 words | scorch | unbeta'd.
Five things Sam never did in college, one of which Dean remedies.
1. Sam had never participated in non-consensual sex. God knows he'd had enough opportunities, what with the rampant drug abuse all over the campus and the never-ending lineup of girls, all equally pretty and compromised - it was almost too easy, and perhaps that's why he abstained. Everybody's got their red lines, and Sam was drawing his in the sand long before he ever went out into the real world.
2. Sam never did that thing where he went to a local concert, got absolutely piss-faced, and woke up in a distressingly public location with someone's lace panties on his head. He's sort of disappointed about that, actually - it always seemed like such an integral part of the college experience, like shared living or test papers. After the first couple of months spent in Dean's company, though, he gets over it - figures he's been through more than enough weird shit to compensate.
3. A teacher. Though not for lack of trying on their part. He's just always had a thing - a bad thing - about mixing work-pleasure relationships. And yes, he is painfully aware Dean is anathema to the fact. Then again, Dean has a way of taking one good, hard look at Sam's lines in the sand, then stepping over them as easily as if he were the tide.
4. Sam never had those mutually traumatizing moments when his parents dropped by his dorm unannounced, and discovered something incriminating and so very, very private. He sort of wishes he had, though, because anything would be better than the alternative, also known as His Life.
5. Despite a vague inclination towards the subject, Sam had never taken a Women's Studies class - a fact which Dean pounced on, then promptly abused. He signed Sam up for a series of "home-taught lessons" on the subject, mainly using the time to talk about his many sexual exploits and how Sam needed to get laid. The funny thing was, when it came to technical experience, it turned out the lessons weren't about women at all.
6 (extraneous, and alternatively titled SAM IS NOT A TOTAL LOSER). Shockingly enough, Sam had taken part in an orgy before, and participated in gay sex, as well. In fact, it happened on the same night, and probably in conjunction.
(He remembers Jessica leading him by the hand, laughing and drunk, through a flat belonging to a friend of a friend, where all night long people plied them with tequilas and nachos and really bad grass. Morning after, he woke up with the hangover of his life, sprawled naked on the living room floor in a carpet of people, all equally passed out and dishabille. There was dry semen and a little blood flaking off his ass, so it didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out what had happened.
He remembers feeling unperturbed, which was slightly disturbing but worth Jessica's elation when she found out, although it wasn't worth her subsequent attempts to pimp him in exchange for shiny things.)
To get to the point, though - all that is why, when Dean pauses in the middle of making out with a pair of breasts long enough to grab Sam by the collar and reel him in, kissing his mouth even as his fingers remain buried knuckle-deep in the girl's sex - that is why, when that happens, Sam feels like he's on familiar ground.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 600 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five times Zack wished he were better with children.
1. Whenever a trainee looked up at him with that kicked-Chocobo expression that's part fear and part hero-worship, before they've been around long enough to know better. Because being in SHINRACORP, you're cut off from the outside world, which makes whoever is stuck inside the fishbowl with you a kind of surrogate family. Training, teaching, guiding these kids through the program - a bond is formed, whether he wants it or not. They're his men, every one, and that makes him into some sort of - oh, crap - parent.
2. Once upon a time, he was telling Aeris about Midgar - the streets, the people, the cracked and rusty shingles overlaying each roof like an avalanche just waiting to happen - when she'd asked him. Just like that. Kaboom.
"Uh." He paused, mid-sentence, right at the climax of a thrilling story about that one time a shopkeep had tried to assassinate him with several well-aimed fish, all of which he'd dodged and one which had actually hit Cloud in the face. "What?"
"It's just, you said earlier," she mumbled, averting her eyes in embarrassment. "About the children in the Central Square, you made them sound so, I-I don't know, I - I guess I'm just being silly." She swallowed. "Sorry."
"What? No, no, no." He said, laying a comforting, friendly arm around her shoulders while simultaneously trying not to freak out, because woah, and also, she's 14. "Nothing to be sorry for, babe. I, just - the joys of parenthood? It's a bit, y'know, early for all that. But hold that thought, babe, hold that thought; I mean, ultimately, one day, who knows?"
That seemed to have the desired affect, and Aeris brightened, though she never broached the subject again. Back then, it had seemed like a double victory.
Now, marching through the frozen mud with his sword on one shoulder and Cloud on the other, he wishes he were better with children - because if Aeris is still alive, waiting for him in some flower-shop; well, maybe he's ready to take her up on the offer. And if he's learned one thing from Nibelheim, it's that the best things are never worth putting off.
3. There is a surprisingly large number of kids in the afterlife. Maybe it's due to the recent Geostigma crisis, or simply because life is a bitch: whatever the reason, it's coming to bite him in the ass. Seriously, he'd hoped his death would be more peaceful than his life - but nooo.
4. He remembers a moment of intense disbelief during his training: browsing the fine print during a mission debriefing, discovering that part of a SOLDIER's mandatory skills include hostage and prisoner care, specifically the ministration of children. He'd stood up, knocking back his chair, and loudly said, "Hojo, what the fuck." Yeah, he'd gotten reprimanded for that one, too.
5. The journey back to Midgar had been silent, overshadowed by constant worry. He'd tried to dispel it whenever he could: talking, joking, doing everything from telling Cloud about his dreams to singing him inappropriate sea-chanties. Unsurprisingly, nothing worked. He didn't stop, though. He just ran out of things to talk about, eventually. So every night, by the light of his wild Mako eyes, he'd be reduced to lullabies, cradling Cloud in his arms and crooning nonsense like hey, hey, Spike, c'mon and shh, it's good, we're gonna be okay. It sounded comforting for a while, but he'd never been good with children, could never say the right things; Cloud had never once opened his eyes, nor stirred to the sound of his voice.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 350 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five compelling arguments why giant swords are better; approved by Sephiroth.
1. Cloud was still training with standard-issue SOLDIER blades, but both he and Sephiroth - the Silver General, that's right - had their own weapons. Tales of the Buster Sword and Masamune lurked wherever there were two or more intrepid trainees; on slow days, even less. And it's not as if he liked to gloat or anything, y'know, it was just that, well - sometimes bigger is better, y'know?
2. Cloud had trained with countless weapons, but everyone knew there was only one for him, and as time went by, the conviction only grew. He remembers when he'd first heard the story of the Buster Sword: sitting in a noisy room, thick with smoke and sharp alcohol, Sephiroth leaning silently against a wall. There had been celebratory drinking, and celebratory feasting, and celebratory things-good-SOLDIER-boys-aren't-supposed-to-do, in force. Zack had clapped him on the back and said, "So you remembered not to grasp the sharp end after all, eh?"
(That was back when they'd all hung out, when nothing had been about Jenova or the Planet, just three unlikely friends talking and laughing and wasting their Shinra-granted salaries. It seems very long ago, or perhaps he's simply getting old.)
It's nostalgic, and he thinks back to that story, then to his own recollection of picking up the Buster Sword. He'll never know, of course, but he thinks that if they were here and sane again, both Zack and Sephiroth would approve.
3. Hewley's Law:
"As the size and breadth of the of a weapon increase, the probability of its wielder winning the match approaches one."
He thinks, as Kadaj dissipates into puppies and rainbows and synthetic light before his eyes, that even Sephiroth would be forced to agree with that one.
4. How art thou useful, greatsword? Let me count the ways. No, really, here's a list: sword, club, impromptu shield, impromptu tombstone, tent pole, paperweight, normal weight, lean-to, reflective signal, and while Sephiroth probably hadn't ever used it as a joker card in strip poker, he'd seen Zack do it enough times to count as a partner in crime, which, really, is practically the same as condoning.
5. Proven fact: chicks dig the sword. Sephiroth would probably have objected to this clause, but as it happened, too many of them happened to be influential game designers bearing not-inconsiderable contracts with SQUARE-ENIX.
Final Fantasy VII | Zack/Aeris | 1200 words | mild | unbeta'd.
Five things Zack got Aeris from Midgar to cheer her up
1. "A... ribbon?"
"Two." Zack said, tall and dark and looming cheerfully. "Pretty girl like you, running around the complex; wouldn't want your hair to get snagged or something, right?"
"Thank you, I, I don't know what to say..." Aeris stared at the ribbons in her hands; soft cloth dyed a beautiful bright pink, snaking between her fingers like two rivers running together. She felt a blush staining her cheeks, spreading like bushfire to her ears, her neck; Zack chuckled and took the ribbons from her hands, then turned her around in a businesslike fashion. "Here, let me help you with that."
She stood ramrod-straight, awkward and giddy, trying not to fidget as Zack's fingers parted her hair. It felt nice: a gentle tugging on her scalp, strands twining around each other, big calloused hands grazing the tips of her ears. She couldn't see what he was doing, but she felt the sudden rush of air against the back of her neck, as if a blanket had been lifted and unraveled, re-woven in a new and pleasantly collected shape.
"Feels good, doesn't it?" She could feel Zack's grin from behind her, lopsided and radiant. "Thought you'd like it. Trust me, in this summer, loose hair is a death wish. Just ask Sephiroth." Then, without warning, he twisted her around and held up a mirror. "There. It's the latest fashion in Midgar, and by gods, lassie, it was just made for your pretty face."
Aeris stared into the mirror, entranced: it was like looking at a picture, or a stranger's reflection. Two artistically-arranged falls of hair framed her face, two more over her ears; the rest of her hair was collected into a thick braid, bound to the back of her head by one ribbon, and collected at the end by another. She grabbed the braid and brought the end over her shoulder; bright, cheerful pink made her mousy brown hair appear uncommonly lustrous.
Zack was smiling at her. "Tell me if you want any more colors, love, though I think pink suits you best. Smile for me? Ah, there, see, I was right; you really are the most beautiful girl in town."
2. "Hey, what're you doing over there, girl?"
"Zack? I'm not-"
"Doing a shoddy job of spying, that's what! Don't you have any dignity? Sitting here, staring out the window like a fish, meddling in other good people's business! What were you thinking?"
"No, no, I wasn't, I was only-"
"Honestly, no respect for the profession! First of all, this window looks out on the church parish and nothing interesting ever happens there; if you want a good view, you have to go over to the second-right corridor in the West Wing, there's a grand view of the Town Square. Second, have I taught you nothing, girl? You're not a SOLDIER, are you?"
"N-no, I-"
"So you don't have any supernatural eyes to see with, right? Then obviously you're going to need this!"
"What is it?"
"Binoculars, love. You put them like this, and tune them, here, and here, like that - aha! See? Now we're talking. Next time you want to meddle in other good people's affairs, remember to do it the proper way, love. Now come on, there's a rabble fight going on in the Town Square, let's go and see, eh?"
3. Zack burst into the room like a small but heavily-armed tornado, holding an enormous box under his arm and belting out "Who's the birthday girl?"
"You know, one of these days Hojo's going to put you in a gag," Aeris quipped from where she was sitting on the windowsill, binoculars slung around her neck. "That would probably teach you to be quiet when we're one room away from his lab."
"Well, it won't be for lack of warning on your part, love." Zack said, crouching and putting down the crate with extraordinary care. "What's happening in the Town Square on this most blessed of days?"
"Rabble fight." Aeris supplied. "Again."
"Well, people can't be helped, I guess." Zack plopped down next to her, then gestured at the box now standing in the middle of the room. "Wanna guess what that is?"
"My birthday present?" Aeris hazarded. Zack looked astounded.
"A regular SHINRA prodigy, you are. Any smarter than that and they'll send the Turks out to get you." Aeris looked faintly amused. "Don't you want to open it?"
"Will it explode?"
"Would I do that to you?" At Aeris' look, he grew defensive. "Last year was an accident!"
"Accident, my smelly fish. Mother nearly had a heart attack when I walked into her quarters."
"Just open it, lady." Zack grumbled, and Aeris, feeling generous on this day of days, complied without fuss.
The next few moments would remain in Zack's memory for the rest of his life.
"Oh my gods!"
"Like it, do you?"
"Oh my gods!"
"I'll take that as a yes?"
"Ohmygods!"
The Golden Chocobo was a tiny thing, slightly larger than the palm of one hand, and chirping happily at the world with wide-eyed curiosity.
"Took a few dozen favors." Zack admitted, "And I owe some people money now. But hey, what's a SOLDIER's salary for, y'know?"
"Oh. My. Gods."
"Hey, keep it down, fervent believer, or I'm not going to be the only one Hojo puts in a gag."
But Zack didn't really mean it, and besides, as evinced when they hugged, and laughed, and screamed (in delight or horror, it depends) as the Chocobo urinated on Zack's shoe, neither of them really cared about Hojo at all.
4. Aeris didn't have an easy life, not even a pleasant one - but she managed it okay, taking one thing at a time and looking on the bright side of things. For every bad thing that happened, she claimed, there was a good thing to balance it out; her early years at SHINRA were often cited as proof of this hypothesis.
She quoted these sense-memories often and lovingly: frost on a windowsill, painting white lattice patterns on the glass before dawn; the smell of her mother's hair, a whiff of color in a world of stainless-steel antiseptic; that morning one day, when Zack brought her flowers without warning, just because; a huge, overflowing bouquet which boasted every specimen imaginable, wrapped in shoddy hemp and shedding petals indiscriminately.
She keeps these images close to her heart, keeps them locked up tight and cherished, so when she wakes up at Elmyra's for the first time and sees nothing but flowers - enormous, beautiful arrays of flowers, stained every color of the rainbow, wrapped in shoddy hemp and shedding petals into her hair - she closes her eyes, and knows she'll be all right.
5. Nobody ever put the question to Aeris, but had they done so, her answer would have been automatic. Zack, during his visits, brought one thing with him - the most important thing - he brought her comfort.
Final Fantasy VII | gen | 150 words | mild | unbeta'd crack.
Five ways to breed the legendary Golden Chocobo.
1. Well, you see, when a Mommy Golden Chocobo and a Daddy Golden Chocobo love each other very much, or, in some cases, have stayed out pecking in the meadow and had a bit too much to drink... what? What?
2. Thirty-two steps, with additional tips and warnings against permanent eye damage caused by overexposure to radioactive pixels, or something. Hey, don't look at me like that; it's a valid concern!
3. OR, HOW TO GET RICH IN FIVE EASY STEPS:
1. Purchase a Chocobo.
2. Purchase gold spray-paint.
3. Apply spray-paint to Chocobo.
4. Set up a street booth or sideshow bearing the enormous sign 'SEE THE LEGENDARY GOLDEN CHOCOBO'. Let the cash roll in.
5. Make sure your Chocobo is also an exceptionally fast runner, and that you are both a) proficient at Chocobo-riding, b) unperturbed by the overbearing smell of paint-spray.
4. If you want to get really technical, there's always Rule 34.
5. Aeris knows.
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