Happy Birthday..
I'm going to be honest: 21 was a terrible year for me.
God doted upon me still and granted me the opportunity to take that trip to Mexico, and if it weren't for that amazing bright spot, I don't know if I'd still be standing today.
I've lost two amazing friends, no matter the fact that they say things won't be different. They already are and I'm sure things will deteriorate further... but I hope for different things.. if that makes sense.
As a kid I never really had the opportunity to reach out to other kids at church or at school which were my main two pools for socializing because of everything with my dad. As I've gotten older, matured, grown, forgiven, and developed in Christ I've slowly learned how to be honest and let people in. I've learned to let people care about me and allow myself to genuinely love and care about them. My small group of close friends now, I so so so so dearly love and I'd do so much for them. I would. I know they care for me and would do just about as much and I'm so glad that God has allowed me to develop in this way. It was very different before, though I know I still have a ways to go.
Along with this new found blessing though comes the vulnerability which was the reason I shunned such relationships for so long in the first place. I've lost two of some of my VERY close friends.. people that I love like mad... and it's kind of the first time I'm actually feeling it.
It hurts.
A lot.
God..
wow..
I don't like this, but I know I must not falter. I can't stray any further but I must hold fast. Hold fast. I have to thank You over and over again for the people that you've put in my life.. my kids.. my friends.. my family.. You bless me beyond belief, but somehow my meager power allows me to screw a lot of this stuff up anyway. Still you bless me and make things right. As to the reason why, I still have no clue and there are times that I wish you would just leave me to destruction, but You don't.. and I'm pretty sure You never will.
My heart breaks.. I don't know how to accept such a love, God. It is overbearing. It's too good.. too pure. I can't help myself right now. In fact, I'm not sure I ever could. I have no clue where this is going or where I'll end up when the dust settles, but I'm blind and my only shot at making it out is letting You take me there. You know my stubborn, cold, filthy heart and you know my flesh fights like a champ, yet you're greater. You've broken me before, and Lord Lord.. if You must, please please do it again. I beg you God with awe and thanksgiving.. crush me. Who am I? Who are You?
Show me your face again... I need to see You now more than ever.
I miss my boy Matt and his family. They were like family and still are to me.
God doted upon me still and granted me the opportunity to take that trip to Mexico, and if it weren't for that amazing bright spot, I don't know if I'd still be standing today.
I've lost two amazing friends, no matter the fact that they say things won't be different. They already are and I'm sure things will deteriorate further... but I hope for different things.. if that makes sense.
As a kid I never really had the opportunity to reach out to other kids at church or at school which were my main two pools for socializing because of everything with my dad. As I've gotten older, matured, grown, forgiven, and developed in Christ I've slowly learned how to be honest and let people in. I've learned to let people care about me and allow myself to genuinely love and care about them. My small group of close friends now, I so so so so dearly love and I'd do so much for them. I would. I know they care for me and would do just about as much and I'm so glad that God has allowed me to develop in this way. It was very different before, though I know I still have a ways to go.
Along with this new found blessing though comes the vulnerability which was the reason I shunned such relationships for so long in the first place. I've lost two of some of my VERY close friends.. people that I love like mad... and it's kind of the first time I'm actually feeling it.
It hurts.
A lot.
God..
wow..
I don't like this, but I know I must not falter. I can't stray any further but I must hold fast. Hold fast. I have to thank You over and over again for the people that you've put in my life.. my kids.. my friends.. my family.. You bless me beyond belief, but somehow my meager power allows me to screw a lot of this stuff up anyway. Still you bless me and make things right. As to the reason why, I still have no clue and there are times that I wish you would just leave me to destruction, but You don't.. and I'm pretty sure You never will.
My heart breaks.. I don't know how to accept such a love, God. It is overbearing. It's too good.. too pure. I can't help myself right now. In fact, I'm not sure I ever could. I have no clue where this is going or where I'll end up when the dust settles, but I'm blind and my only shot at making it out is letting You take me there. You know my stubborn, cold, filthy heart and you know my flesh fights like a champ, yet you're greater. You've broken me before, and Lord Lord.. if You must, please please do it again. I beg you God with awe and thanksgiving.. crush me. Who am I? Who are You?
Show me your face again... I need to see You now more than ever.
I miss my boy Matt and his family. They were like family and still are to me.