looking for shelter
there's a lot i've been wanting to write lately, but words just haven't been coming easily, i suppose. i feel like i'm really bad at relationships. first of all, i can't help but question everything. i can't trust that the other person likes me just because they are "with" me. i need more than that. but of course, it's not like i can just tell the other person that. by that very act, whatever action comes about from it would just seem feigned and contrived to please me, like they are just saying they like me because i asked them to, but don't really want to be doing that. so where does that leave us? thinking the other person doesn't like me (that much) but unable for them to resolve the situation.
it's funny that the one relationship where i actually felt desired, really wanted was with the pilot. and of course that didn't work out. and i'm not sure what's worse: believing that whoever i'm with isn't really into me, or being blindsided by the breakup. i also wonder, if my inability to have faith that i'm really liked/likable makes it inevitable that the other person will break up with me. does it become a self-fulfilling prophesy? i bet i know a few guys that would say, "yes."
at any rate, i'm currently questioning the bf's feelings for me. does he find himself thinking of me during the day and just doesn't feel the need to be in touch with me? or does he just not think of me? are my retarded pointless texts annoying? are my ims a continual inconvenience? is susan really correct that i just shouldn't interrupt a man during "work time"? first of all that seems so 1950's. and second of all, what do you do when they are seemingly always working? or when you don't know if they are working or not? moreover, i shouldn't have to worry that my "hellos" are an inconvenience, damnit! of course, maybe they aren't, and it's just in my head. afterall, i do like to make a lot of this shit up. which is really why i need someone to constantly reassure me that they like me.
but if someone really only shows their desire for you with physical contact, and you never see them (or rather it's really rare), then what do you do? how do you get beyond that? or is it all just the same in the end?
ugh, i never wanted to be this needy. i never wanted to be the girl with the low self-esteem who didn't think she was pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or fun enough, or whatever-enough for a boy to like her. how did i get like this? where did things go wrong?
it's funny that the one relationship where i actually felt desired, really wanted was with the pilot. and of course that didn't work out. and i'm not sure what's worse: believing that whoever i'm with isn't really into me, or being blindsided by the breakup. i also wonder, if my inability to have faith that i'm really liked/likable makes it inevitable that the other person will break up with me. does it become a self-fulfilling prophesy? i bet i know a few guys that would say, "yes."
at any rate, i'm currently questioning the bf's feelings for me. does he find himself thinking of me during the day and just doesn't feel the need to be in touch with me? or does he just not think of me? are my retarded pointless texts annoying? are my ims a continual inconvenience? is susan really correct that i just shouldn't interrupt a man during "work time"? first of all that seems so 1950's. and second of all, what do you do when they are seemingly always working? or when you don't know if they are working or not? moreover, i shouldn't have to worry that my "hellos" are an inconvenience, damnit! of course, maybe they aren't, and it's just in my head. afterall, i do like to make a lot of this shit up. which is really why i need someone to constantly reassure me that they like me.
but if someone really only shows their desire for you with physical contact, and you never see them (or rather it's really rare), then what do you do? how do you get beyond that? or is it all just the same in the end?
ugh, i never wanted to be this needy. i never wanted to be the girl with the low self-esteem who didn't think she was pretty enough, or skinny enough, or smart enough, or fun enough, or whatever-enough for a boy to like her. how did i get like this? where did things go wrong?