yeah she dreams in the daytime, too
these past few weeks have been a bit trying. i'm looking at my life and wondering how the hell i've gotten in this place. there have been so many ups and downs in the past 7 years and i'm wondering how much more i can take. for a while, i thought i was better, i thought maybe i had gotten past things, but if i've learned anything in this last month, is that's just not true. and now i don't really know what to do. i mean, what if the mentality of "just deal with it" somehow isn't working. what happens when you find that no matter how hard you try, it's just not happening? the dealing just isn't coming?
i know there is something seriously wrong with the way i'm living, but i can't quite put my finger on it. it sucks being in this position, where i know i should make a change, but i'm just too fucking scared to make a move. i've realized that this job, my career, is not what i thought it would be. the passion that i had, that i felt so strongly, is gone. the ambition i had to make this world better, cleaner, more healthy, has pretty much disappeared. first of all, it's scared the crap out of me that i could lose that so easily and so quickly after just a few things not going the way i wanted them to. how is that possible? am i so weak in my conviction that any little sidetrack would make me go that off-course? but moreover, what the heck do i do now? i don't like feeling like my life is falling apart.
and frankly, the wall of sadness that has hit me is fucking me over. in general my ambition to do anything is at zero. and falling. i'm not excited about going out to amherst for this conference. i'm not excited about going down to jersey to work with sediments. i'm not excited about clothes or shoes. ugh. i'm screwed.
i'm praying i get out of this funk soon, otherwise, i'm pretty sure my life will really be fucked.
/end ranting dramatic craziness, maybe tomorrow, i'll be a little more sane
i know there is something seriously wrong with the way i'm living, but i can't quite put my finger on it. it sucks being in this position, where i know i should make a change, but i'm just too fucking scared to make a move. i've realized that this job, my career, is not what i thought it would be. the passion that i had, that i felt so strongly, is gone. the ambition i had to make this world better, cleaner, more healthy, has pretty much disappeared. first of all, it's scared the crap out of me that i could lose that so easily and so quickly after just a few things not going the way i wanted them to. how is that possible? am i so weak in my conviction that any little sidetrack would make me go that off-course? but moreover, what the heck do i do now? i don't like feeling like my life is falling apart.
and frankly, the wall of sadness that has hit me is fucking me over. in general my ambition to do anything is at zero. and falling. i'm not excited about going out to amherst for this conference. i'm not excited about going down to jersey to work with sediments. i'm not excited about clothes or shoes. ugh. i'm screwed.
i'm praying i get out of this funk soon, otherwise, i'm pretty sure my life will really be fucked.
/end ranting dramatic craziness, maybe tomorrow, i'll be a little more sane