contemplating oaakgrove
my brother texted me a few days ago saying that he got onto oakgrove council... and im really proud that my little brother made it and that i am somewhat a part of the reason why he made it on council because even before he had decided to come to venice, i hyped up oakgrove and made it sound like the shit. and i told him that he better go. haha. so, i was really proud that he got onto council.
but at the same time there is this tiny tiny tiny voice in the back of my mind that is jealous. jealous that he made it the FIRST time he tried out...whereas i tried out 5 times and didnt make it at all. i mean, i know i had a slim chance the first couple of times but by the fourth time, i honestly thought i had a pretty good chance. like, pretty fucking good chance. and i still didnt make it and i felt like kicking myself for ever thinking that i was good enough or fit whatever the hell it was that they looked for in a potential council member. i guess whatever it was, i obviously didnt have it. or maybe i did and they were just didnt see it. im hoping it was the latter. because i honestly think i would have beeen a preetty tight council member. and i am not trying to sound arrogant or whatever. it was so difficult for me to be rejected time and time again while also watching my closest friends make it every time i didnt make it. it sucked watching my friends form this bond with each other that i knew i could never penetrate...
i keep reminding myself high school has been over and done with for almost 2/3s a year now... and it still bothers me in the back of my mind. i guess maybe its because the after-effects of that still affect my friendships with those people today. although we pretend otherwise...
but at the same time there is this tiny tiny tiny voice in the back of my mind that is jealous. jealous that he made it the FIRST time he tried out...whereas i tried out 5 times and didnt make it at all. i mean, i know i had a slim chance the first couple of times but by the fourth time, i honestly thought i had a pretty good chance. like, pretty fucking good chance. and i still didnt make it and i felt like kicking myself for ever thinking that i was good enough or fit whatever the hell it was that they looked for in a potential council member. i guess whatever it was, i obviously didnt have it. or maybe i did and they were just didnt see it. im hoping it was the latter. because i honestly think i would have beeen a preetty tight council member. and i am not trying to sound arrogant or whatever. it was so difficult for me to be rejected time and time again while also watching my closest friends make it every time i didnt make it. it sucked watching my friends form this bond with each other that i knew i could never penetrate...
i keep reminding myself high school has been over and done with for almost 2/3s a year now... and it still bothers me in the back of my mind. i guess maybe its because the after-effects of that still affect my friendships with those people today. although we pretend otherwise...