realization hit hard

[annylizzie]

i realized this morning that i have no idea what is going on or that im just naive to every situation in life. people say i need to trust them or that everything will be okay. maybe the real problem is that i trust too much. and when that happens (when i let my guard down and actually let them into my life and heart) the trust comes down because situations arise that lead me to not trust them. why cant people understand that if they burn me, im going to remember because that stinging feeling last so long. its like with my boyfriend. love him with my whole heart but actions lead me to believe otherwise. i guess i could put this on me and say its my fault for being with him but i dont believe in giving up a relationship because of my personal paranoia. whatever. i feel he is telling the truth however much it hurts. he treats me different, though, than his other "girl friends". it seems more "love" is shown to them than to the one who needs/deserves/wants it. is that backwards? wheres my loyalty damnit. i have nothing but that thrown his way. all i ask is for a little respect and understanding.

sometimes i wish i could cheat on him and that is true. but would i really risk the potential greatness that i know will evolve from the current mess? we have so much love and fun and everything! between us. i dont want to disrespect that or challenge it.

sometimes i think nothing will be greater...and that scares me to death