The spring, the summer,The childing autumn, angry winter change
Date: 19 February 2003
Characters: Lily Potter
Location: Avalon Orchard
Status: Private
Summary: Lily takes a walk, needing to think some things over.
Completion: Complete
Lily trudged through the dead leaves littering the ground of the orchard. It had become her favourite place to ruminate, to think things over and simply be at peace. Occasionally, she kicked up at few of the leaves and watched them flutter around in the cold air. She sighed and dug her hands into the pockets of her coat. Tilting her neck backwards, Lily looked up at the sky which was covered in clouds that painted it a dark and dim gray.
She was confused.
There was no other word for it. She was confused about what to do. What to feel. What to think. Before, everything had been so easy, she thought. In the before, every day had been straight forward, nothing hold back. Happiness. Friends. Family. That had been the before. Before the man, who ran this town, had not shown himself. When they were allowed to live as they wanted.
But Lily knew that even then, things had not been well. It had merely been the foreplay for the events which were taking place now.
She had been so happy when Harry had arrived in the town, happy beyond belief. And though she hadn’t thought it possible, becoming friends with Severus again had filled a part of her that had been missing for years. She had missed him so much, even when she had been mad at him, even hated him. Severus had been her first friend in the Wizarding World, her best friend. And now…
Now, she wasn’t so sure anymore. Oh, he was still her best friend. But was that all he was?
She was confused.
Lily had never thought of Severus that way. She had never even given it a thought that he might have those feelings for her. He had been Severus, her best friend. He had been as close to the brother she had never had as he could be.
But now that she knew?
She was confused.
She loved James. Lily knew that was true once. But she wasn’t so sure anymore. Things between them had not been right for a long time. Even before he had… abandoned her, them. He had been absent. Running around the town with Sirius or Remus or alone. He hadn’t been there when she needed him to be by her side. He hadn’t been there when Harry came for visits. The first time he met his grown up son, twenty years since he last saw the child they had created, he left. He sacrificed himself for someone who couldn’t make up their own mind. It was noble. And it was stupid.
Lily walked towards one of the benches placed around in the orchard and sat down, slumping against the back. She leaned her head backwards over the edge and stared up at the trees above her.
That night, she had felt a part of her die. It had withered away with James gone. And since his return, she had tried, she had tried so many times to bring it back and let it grow. But she hadn’t been able to. It was as if she had lost her faith in him that night. That he would always be there, right beside her. But she didn’t feel like she could trust him to be that man anymore. And she had pushed him away, first because she needed time to come to terms with the fact that he was back and then because she wanted him to know exactly what he had done to her and what he had caused.
But now? She didn’t think she would be able to let him back in, no matter who hard she tried. It would always be there nagging in the back of her mind that he had abandoned her once and he could do it again just as easily.
She loved James, was married to him. But, what about Severus? Why did she suddenly blush whenever he did something such a giving her a kiss on the cheek or leaning into one of her hugs? She had known about his feelings for nearly a month now. But was that the only reason why she was acting like this? Before, she hadn’t thought twice about her actions around him. But that was before.
She was confused.
Of course she loved Severus, she didn’t doubt that. However, she didn’t know if it was as the man she had always known as her best friend and confidant or if it was as something more…
and James…?
What was she supposed to do?
Lily was confused and it wasn’t about to go away anytime soon.
It hurt.
Characters: Lily Potter
Location: Avalon Orchard
Status: Private
Summary: Lily takes a walk, needing to think some things over.
Completion: Complete
Lily trudged through the dead leaves littering the ground of the orchard. It had become her favourite place to ruminate, to think things over and simply be at peace. Occasionally, she kicked up at few of the leaves and watched them flutter around in the cold air. She sighed and dug her hands into the pockets of her coat. Tilting her neck backwards, Lily looked up at the sky which was covered in clouds that painted it a dark and dim gray.
She was confused.
There was no other word for it. She was confused about what to do. What to feel. What to think. Before, everything had been so easy, she thought. In the before, every day had been straight forward, nothing hold back. Happiness. Friends. Family. That had been the before. Before the man, who ran this town, had not shown himself. When they were allowed to live as they wanted.
But Lily knew that even then, things had not been well. It had merely been the foreplay for the events which were taking place now.
She had been so happy when Harry had arrived in the town, happy beyond belief. And though she hadn’t thought it possible, becoming friends with Severus again had filled a part of her that had been missing for years. She had missed him so much, even when she had been mad at him, even hated him. Severus had been her first friend in the Wizarding World, her best friend. And now…
Now, she wasn’t so sure anymore. Oh, he was still her best friend. But was that all he was?
She was confused.
Lily had never thought of Severus that way. She had never even given it a thought that he might have those feelings for her. He had been Severus, her best friend. He had been as close to the brother she had never had as he could be.
But now that she knew?
She was confused.
She loved James. Lily knew that was true once. But she wasn’t so sure anymore. Things between them had not been right for a long time. Even before he had… abandoned her, them. He had been absent. Running around the town with Sirius or Remus or alone. He hadn’t been there when she needed him to be by her side. He hadn’t been there when Harry came for visits. The first time he met his grown up son, twenty years since he last saw the child they had created, he left. He sacrificed himself for someone who couldn’t make up their own mind. It was noble. And it was stupid.
Lily walked towards one of the benches placed around in the orchard and sat down, slumping against the back. She leaned her head backwards over the edge and stared up at the trees above her.
That night, she had felt a part of her die. It had withered away with James gone. And since his return, she had tried, she had tried so many times to bring it back and let it grow. But she hadn’t been able to. It was as if she had lost her faith in him that night. That he would always be there, right beside her. But she didn’t feel like she could trust him to be that man anymore. And she had pushed him away, first because she needed time to come to terms with the fact that he was back and then because she wanted him to know exactly what he had done to her and what he had caused.
But now? She didn’t think she would be able to let him back in, no matter who hard she tried. It would always be there nagging in the back of her mind that he had abandoned her once and he could do it again just as easily.
She loved James, was married to him. But, what about Severus? Why did she suddenly blush whenever he did something such a giving her a kiss on the cheek or leaning into one of her hugs? She had known about his feelings for nearly a month now. But was that the only reason why she was acting like this? Before, she hadn’t thought twice about her actions around him. But that was before.
She was confused.
Of course she loved Severus, she didn’t doubt that. However, she didn’t know if it was as the man she had always known as her best friend and confidant or if it was as something more…
and James…?
What was she supposed to do?
Lily was confused and it wasn’t about to go away anytime soon.
It hurt.