Reflective: A clouded dream on an earthly night
Date : March 27th 2003
Characters : Lily Potter
Status : Private.
Summary : Lily thinks about recent events.
Complete : Complete.
Sometimes cleaning things by hand in stead of by magic gave her a sense of satifaction. It felt like she was actually doing something and not just looking on as the work was done for her. Lily wiped the rag across the shelves, picking up the dust and bits of grime that had somehow attached themselves to the surface. Soon the multiple books were dustfree, the nicknacks shone again and the shelves actually looked like they were made of wood. She didn't think that it had so long since she last cleaned the house... but other things had pressed forward and claimed her attention. Lily felt like she hadn't thought about anything lately but what had happened over the last couple of weeks.
She continued cleaning, it helped clear her mind a little bit. At least it did until he fingers came in contact with something small and hard, hiding behind a couple of books. Curious, she pulled it out and stared at it. Lily gasped and nearly dropped the item, a small square package wrapped in a gold paper. She had forgotten about stoving it away behind her personal collection of potions books. Slowly, she turned it over in her hands as she dropped the rag and walked over to the sofa, sitting down with a slump of her shoulders. She had bought the present sometime last year when she had come across it during one of the market days in the Square. So many months ago. She had bought before everything had gone on a vacation to hell.
Slowly she opened the package, there wasn't any reason to give to the person it had been intended for. Not anymore, and that was her own fault. Inside the box, lay a small gold pendant formed as a celtic stag in a circle of interlacing swirls. At the time, Lily had thought it would be a perfect gift for James, wanting to give it to him at Christmas. But the festival had put a stopper to that idea. And afterwards everything had slowly kept descending. Once James had come back, she had been angry and hurt, yes. But she had wanted to go back to how things were... after she had made him understand how what he had done had affected her and everyone he knew. And she had come up with the idea of giving him the pendant for his birthday. Today. She thought sadly. Today was James' birthday.
She didn't have any reason to give it to him anymore, or rather... she didn't have the right. She sincerely doubted that he would want it and she didn't really want a repeat of their last confrontation. Turning the pendant over, she traced the design with a finger. Lily sighed. She had ruined everything with her doubts and confusion. She had ruinined her marriage... even though it was already falling apart before. James was hurt and betrayed, cheated on. Harry was angry with her and perhaps he would refuse to talk to or see her again. She hated that thought. She didn't want to lose her son.
Ginny had been... helpful, she had tried to be. And Lily appreciated that. It had been comforting to have someone listen and not judge immediately based on their own views. She could understand Harry's viesw. She could. Harry had not had the best relationship with Severus. And neither of them had seemed to do anything against it. Even though they were able to work together, they would probably never see eye to eye. She leaned back against the sofa, the pendant still clutched in her hand. Merlin, had she lost her little boy forever because of what was happening between her and Severus? She didn't want to lose either of them, didn't want to chose between them. But sometimes she knew that she probably wouldn't be given that choice. She would let Harry make his own choices... and by then maybe she would be able to deal with it, if it turned out to be the worst result. But she doubted it. Harry deserved to make his own choices and not have something foisted upon him. She sighed, how she wished she had been able to watch him grow up, to get a little more time with him. Just a little more time. How must it not have been for him, then? To live his entire life without his parents, being told about them and then meeting them... only to have his parents split up a few months later? It must only have been horrid for him.
But she didn't think she could give Severus up. Every time she was near him, she just wanted to burrow herself into his arms and stay there. Kiss him and be with him. Lily wasn't sure if she loved him. Though, she was probably on the way. Her heart still beat faster around him, occasional blushes crept onto her face and she felt safe when she was around him. She loved talking with him about everything and nothing. Potions most of all, theory... magical or otherwise, books, their day, little things like what to make for dinner or, she laughed softly, the state of his attrociously, greasy hair after a brewing session. Lily sighed again for what could easily have been the millionth time that week.
Putting the pendant down on the coffee table, Lily closed her eyes. James... that was her own doing. And he was no longer a part of her life. But even though she didn't love him anymore like a wife was supposed to love her husband, she still cared for him. She did. She wanted him to be safe and unharmed, wanted him to be happy... even though she wasn't able to do it, didn't have to right to request that anymore. Not after what she did to him. Lily pulled her legs up onto the sofa and wrapped her arms around the bent knees. Resting her chin on top of them, she breathed out and stared at the pendant on the table and wondered what James was doing at the moment.
Characters : Lily Potter
Status : Private.
Summary : Lily thinks about recent events.
Complete : Complete.
Sometimes cleaning things by hand in stead of by magic gave her a sense of satifaction. It felt like she was actually doing something and not just looking on as the work was done for her. Lily wiped the rag across the shelves, picking up the dust and bits of grime that had somehow attached themselves to the surface. Soon the multiple books were dustfree, the nicknacks shone again and the shelves actually looked like they were made of wood. She didn't think that it had so long since she last cleaned the house... but other things had pressed forward and claimed her attention. Lily felt like she hadn't thought about anything lately but what had happened over the last couple of weeks.
She continued cleaning, it helped clear her mind a little bit. At least it did until he fingers came in contact with something small and hard, hiding behind a couple of books. Curious, she pulled it out and stared at it. Lily gasped and nearly dropped the item, a small square package wrapped in a gold paper. She had forgotten about stoving it away behind her personal collection of potions books. Slowly, she turned it over in her hands as she dropped the rag and walked over to the sofa, sitting down with a slump of her shoulders. She had bought the present sometime last year when she had come across it during one of the market days in the Square. So many months ago. She had bought before everything had gone on a vacation to hell.
Slowly she opened the package, there wasn't any reason to give to the person it had been intended for. Not anymore, and that was her own fault. Inside the box, lay a small gold pendant formed as a celtic stag in a circle of interlacing swirls. At the time, Lily had thought it would be a perfect gift for James, wanting to give it to him at Christmas. But the festival had put a stopper to that idea. And afterwards everything had slowly kept descending. Once James had come back, she had been angry and hurt, yes. But she had wanted to go back to how things were... after she had made him understand how what he had done had affected her and everyone he knew. And she had come up with the idea of giving him the pendant for his birthday. Today. She thought sadly. Today was James' birthday.
She didn't have any reason to give it to him anymore, or rather... she didn't have the right. She sincerely doubted that he would want it and she didn't really want a repeat of their last confrontation. Turning the pendant over, she traced the design with a finger. Lily sighed. She had ruined everything with her doubts and confusion. She had ruinined her marriage... even though it was already falling apart before. James was hurt and betrayed, cheated on. Harry was angry with her and perhaps he would refuse to talk to or see her again. She hated that thought. She didn't want to lose her son.
Ginny had been... helpful, she had tried to be. And Lily appreciated that. It had been comforting to have someone listen and not judge immediately based on their own views. She could understand Harry's viesw. She could. Harry had not had the best relationship with Severus. And neither of them had seemed to do anything against it. Even though they were able to work together, they would probably never see eye to eye. She leaned back against the sofa, the pendant still clutched in her hand. Merlin, had she lost her little boy forever because of what was happening between her and Severus? She didn't want to lose either of them, didn't want to chose between them. But sometimes she knew that she probably wouldn't be given that choice. She would let Harry make his own choices... and by then maybe she would be able to deal with it, if it turned out to be the worst result. But she doubted it. Harry deserved to make his own choices and not have something foisted upon him. She sighed, how she wished she had been able to watch him grow up, to get a little more time with him. Just a little more time. How must it not have been for him, then? To live his entire life without his parents, being told about them and then meeting them... only to have his parents split up a few months later? It must only have been horrid for him.
But she didn't think she could give Severus up. Every time she was near him, she just wanted to burrow herself into his arms and stay there. Kiss him and be with him. Lily wasn't sure if she loved him. Though, she was probably on the way. Her heart still beat faster around him, occasional blushes crept onto her face and she felt safe when she was around him. She loved talking with him about everything and nothing. Potions most of all, theory... magical or otherwise, books, their day, little things like what to make for dinner or, she laughed softly, the state of his attrociously, greasy hair after a brewing session. Lily sighed again for what could easily have been the millionth time that week.
Putting the pendant down on the coffee table, Lily closed her eyes. James... that was her own doing. And he was no longer a part of her life. But even though she didn't love him anymore like a wife was supposed to love her husband, she still cared for him. She did. She wanted him to be safe and unharmed, wanted him to be happy... even though she wasn't able to do it, didn't have to right to request that anymore. Not after what she did to him. Lily pulled her legs up onto the sofa and wrapped her arms around the bent knees. Resting her chin on top of them, she breathed out and stared at the pendant on the table and wondered what James was doing at the moment.