(no subject)
What a strange and wonderful day yesterday. I have gotten out of the habit of smoking or vaping weed every day. It was sort of a gradual process motivated by not wanting to borrow more money off of friends to support a pretty substantial habit. First i vaped much less than usual just by scraping the bong that i had broken and rationing the hash that was left. Then i started smoking the husk, which still got me pretty high, but was extremely gross and unpleasant. Lastly, i got roach weed that MyAssa had collected and started smoking that, it was extremely discusting and did not get my high, simply satisfying my habit of engaging in the act of smoking itself. The ritual, if you will. Anyway, now i haven't smoked or vaped in about two weeks. But i have eaten weed on occassion during this process. Three times in total. I have found that cooking the husk very slowly in butter on an extremely low heat then adding olive oil and veggies and letting those cook (onions caramalize) and then adding very flavourful pasta sauce a la Lee is extremely effective and delicious. Yesterday was the most intense trip i've had this way. I did alot of thinking and writing. I have done most of, and my best writing, in this altered state i think.
Anyway i had a wonderfully long convo w/ D, fleshing out all my fears as of late. I also thought about my job working with the schizo. lady. I thought that she was getting better, but becoming codependant. What's worse is that i thought she was making me a little crazy too.
Today i went to work and my first fears were almost realized. Well, that's not fair, my worst fears are that she would try and stab me with a knife, to be honest. Instead, today she just freaked on me, and called me a nigger repeatedly and hit me, not hard enough that i thought it prudent to fight back, or even restrain her, but hard enough that it hurt, while kicking me out. I went into the market that i had been in before in Rosedale and bought goodies to make myself feel better (truffle oil and honey/lavender icecream). Then i had a long walk around rosedale. When i got home there was a message from her explaining that someone in her family had died today and that she wasn't feeling very well, that she didn't mean to call me a nigger, that she was sorry that she hit me, and that she would understand if i needed to quit. It made me feel better, but i do still need to quit, which is a shame. I hope in the long run that i didn't make her situation worse by having worked with her at all. Anyway, that's life. Unpredictable. I tried my best.
Now I am going to take a nap, and then walk to UofT and do some printing and finally send out my Carlton app. I'm glad that i have spent most of my recreational time this weekend walking and enjoying the weather. I have decided i'll keep my statement of intent the way it is, asking to act as a witness through my journalism for women that have suffered violence, but i have also decided that this will not involve going to India to speak for women there. Its too dangerous for me. I think its actually made more dangerous by me having an "in" in the culture, which is weird, cause it usually works the opposite way. Instead, i could go to and Aboriginee community and speak their stories, or perhaps the states, or South America. These places pose considerably less threat for me i think. I will probably, some time in my life, visit India for some reason or another. A big reason why i think it would be pragmatic to conduct my research there is because i want to experience another culture, but i really want to go abroad and dont know if i can deal effectively with a language barrier, i have punjabi in me, it will come out if i'm immersed. But i also think that i could simply stay in a English speaking country, like the US, or go to a french or spanish speaking place. So many years of study of those languages will probably also make me likely to pick them up with immersion. If i work with Aboriginals it will be taken for granted that i need a translator, i think. But even if that's not the case, i don't think many people would be at a considerable advantage - so few people know those languages in the first place. Maybe Ms. Lake will weigh in on this.
Anyway i had a wonderfully long convo w/ D, fleshing out all my fears as of late. I also thought about my job working with the schizo. lady. I thought that she was getting better, but becoming codependant. What's worse is that i thought she was making me a little crazy too.
Today i went to work and my first fears were almost realized. Well, that's not fair, my worst fears are that she would try and stab me with a knife, to be honest. Instead, today she just freaked on me, and called me a nigger repeatedly and hit me, not hard enough that i thought it prudent to fight back, or even restrain her, but hard enough that it hurt, while kicking me out. I went into the market that i had been in before in Rosedale and bought goodies to make myself feel better (truffle oil and honey/lavender icecream). Then i had a long walk around rosedale. When i got home there was a message from her explaining that someone in her family had died today and that she wasn't feeling very well, that she didn't mean to call me a nigger, that she was sorry that she hit me, and that she would understand if i needed to quit. It made me feel better, but i do still need to quit, which is a shame. I hope in the long run that i didn't make her situation worse by having worked with her at all. Anyway, that's life. Unpredictable. I tried my best.
Now I am going to take a nap, and then walk to UofT and do some printing and finally send out my Carlton app. I'm glad that i have spent most of my recreational time this weekend walking and enjoying the weather. I have decided i'll keep my statement of intent the way it is, asking to act as a witness through my journalism for women that have suffered violence, but i have also decided that this will not involve going to India to speak for women there. Its too dangerous for me. I think its actually made more dangerous by me having an "in" in the culture, which is weird, cause it usually works the opposite way. Instead, i could go to and Aboriginee community and speak their stories, or perhaps the states, or South America. These places pose considerably less threat for me i think. I will probably, some time in my life, visit India for some reason or another. A big reason why i think it would be pragmatic to conduct my research there is because i want to experience another culture, but i really want to go abroad and dont know if i can deal effectively with a language barrier, i have punjabi in me, it will come out if i'm immersed. But i also think that i could simply stay in a English speaking country, like the US, or go to a french or spanish speaking place. So many years of study of those languages will probably also make me likely to pick them up with immersion. If i work with Aboriginals it will be taken for granted that i need a translator, i think. But even if that's not the case, i don't think many people would be at a considerable advantage - so few people know those languages in the first place. Maybe Ms. Lake will weigh in on this.