In Denial
Title: In Denial
Author: salmiaggi
Paring: Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Summary: Steven does not give up.
Disclaimer: This is (obviously) not true.
Author’s Notes: For Pauline and Ceren who made me post this.
Feedback: keeps me alive and writing.
Steven begs for forgiveness. Xabi’s too tired of talking and arguing and explaining and accusing to say anything. What’s done is done. Right now it doesn’t matter whether Steven slept with only Frank Lampard or the whole fucking national team, because none of it can be undone. Xabi’s trust for him cannot be brought back, cannot be saved from what he did.
Steven smiles at him during training. Xabi doesn’t want to see it, to categorise it like he always used to. And still, it’s exactly what he does.
It’s none of those pre-relationship smiles, friendly and gentle, that used to make him shiver in anxiety, expectation and excitement. It’s none of those smiles he used to receive while they were involved, during those long, happy years they spent together. It’s not loving (in the same way) or sage (in the right way) and it’s definitely what he wants.
It’s one of the post-relationship smiles he has started to get from Steven. One that is apologetic and strange and cruel. Cruel, because he does not want to see it and yet, there it is. He does not have the strength to tell Steven to piss off and stop smiling. So, warily, he smiles back.
Steven does not give up. Xabi tries to ignore the Scouser, tries not to encourage him, but the man does not give up. Nor does he take the hint. Xabi can’t escape it all, he has the club, the team and the fans to think about and he cannot be selfish. Steven insists on hanging out with him, insists on not letting him forget him, what they had and what they still could have. Xabi is too nice to have the guts to say no. Too gentle to break Steven like he broke him. Too in love with him to tell him to fuck off.
Steven drives to an empty house, every day of the week, feeling that he is making progress. Xabi keeps his act together day in and day out. He is strong and he is
living in denial.
He collapses to the floor in exhaustion, anguish and heartbreak.
Author: salmiaggi
Paring: Steven Gerrard/Xabi Alonso
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Summary: Steven does not give up.
Disclaimer: This is (obviously) not true.
Author’s Notes: For Pauline and Ceren who made me post this.
Feedback: keeps me alive and writing.
Steven begs for forgiveness. Xabi’s too tired of talking and arguing and explaining and accusing to say anything. What’s done is done. Right now it doesn’t matter whether Steven slept with only Frank Lampard or the whole fucking national team, because none of it can be undone. Xabi’s trust for him cannot be brought back, cannot be saved from what he did.
Steven smiles at him during training. Xabi doesn’t want to see it, to categorise it like he always used to. And still, it’s exactly what he does.
It’s none of those pre-relationship smiles, friendly and gentle, that used to make him shiver in anxiety, expectation and excitement. It’s none of those smiles he used to receive while they were involved, during those long, happy years they spent together. It’s not loving (in the same way) or sage (in the right way) and it’s definitely what he wants.
It’s one of the post-relationship smiles he has started to get from Steven. One that is apologetic and strange and cruel. Cruel, because he does not want to see it and yet, there it is. He does not have the strength to tell Steven to piss off and stop smiling. So, warily, he smiles back.
Steven does not give up. Xabi tries to ignore the Scouser, tries not to encourage him, but the man does not give up. Nor does he take the hint. Xabi can’t escape it all, he has the club, the team and the fans to think about and he cannot be selfish. Steven insists on hanging out with him, insists on not letting him forget him, what they had and what they still could have. Xabi is too nice to have the guts to say no. Too gentle to break Steven like he broke him. Too in love with him to tell him to fuck off.
Steven drives to an empty house, every day of the week, feeling that he is making progress. Xabi keeps his act together day in and day out. He is strong and he is
living in denial.
He collapses to the floor in exhaustion, anguish and heartbreak.