'round and 'round
Just a quickish look at my world... nuthin new really (well, except the school thing... back to college at UMF *woo!* lol)... pretty much just the a-typical "'round and 'round" that I do with Tom and work. This actually started as an e-mail to my friend Meg, and then I decided I should post it here. Why not, right? Sooo... enjoy! (or something lol)
I'm up to my eyeballs in stuff (school, work, Tom). I have work later today (woo?), TONS of reading to do for school, and I haven't talked to Tom since the night of the 16th (Sunday before last), despite having called/texted/im'd/pm'd him. Everything short of e-mail, which I'll prolly do later (but I know he's been on sk, so I tried that.) *sigh* I just dunno what to think. I mean, I've been happier not being "with him" but at the same time, I'm miserable. I miss him!! I just want these feelings to go away, because I really don't think he feels the same way for me... least not anymore. I mean, why else wouldn't he call? I just feel like I'm being played, and I want to trust him soooo badly... I just can't. :-( I'm terrified that I'm making a mistake somehow... wondering if there's something I could do... but I've got nuthin.
I was gonna go see him in FL, and had still been planning on it, but then he goes MIA (sorta... not talked to me but he's posted on k-rev and sk and other people have talked to him) for better than a week... I mean, not even a call to wish me good luck with classes. Sure, mebbe his phone wasn't working or something, but come on... really... *sigh* And I blame myself, as I always do, for acting crazy (like I did when Joe broke up with me) and I hate myself all the more for being like this... wondering why I can't just be "normal" (whatever that is) and deal like Tom is. But then I think, mebbe he's "ok" cuz he's got someone else down there... mebbe that's why he hasn't called... and it makes me sick to my stomach.
The thing is, as much as this sucks, I'm not as overly stressed as I used to be, because I know, in my heart, that there's nothing I can do other than what I have been doing. He just keeps letting me down and either he doesn't realize it or he just doesn't care. It's not like I'm asking for the world... I just wanted his reassurance and love... to hear from him that he would come see me, and mean it, but when he hems and haws, I know he doesn't want to come. I guess I don't mean everything to him afterall, and it's sad because I used to mean so much to him and now... well... what bf doesn't send their gf something for Christmas? Esp when they make a point of saying they're going to. *sigh* People keep telling me I deserve better, and I'm starting to believe it. The problem is, I still think that Tom is the better, and that he's just been stressed or whatever. I always make excuses for him, because I love him. God help me, but I do, so very much. I can try to downplay it as much as I want (to save face or whatever) but I love him and there's nothing I can do about it. *sigh* Anyway...
I should be going... bunnies to feed and work later on... mebbe I'll try to call Tom again. I just feel *so* pathetic... like such a loser for caring about someone who, as my friends and family keep telling me, treats me like shit. :-/ But I love him, so I'm sure there's a reason why he's acting the way he is, right? *Grr!*
bah... hum bug! :-P
I'm up to my eyeballs in stuff (school, work, Tom). I have work later today (woo?), TONS of reading to do for school, and I haven't talked to Tom since the night of the 16th (Sunday before last), despite having called/texted/im'd/pm'd him. Everything short of e-mail, which I'll prolly do later (but I know he's been on sk, so I tried that.) *sigh* I just dunno what to think. I mean, I've been happier not being "with him" but at the same time, I'm miserable. I miss him!! I just want these feelings to go away, because I really don't think he feels the same way for me... least not anymore. I mean, why else wouldn't he call? I just feel like I'm being played, and I want to trust him soooo badly... I just can't. :-( I'm terrified that I'm making a mistake somehow... wondering if there's something I could do... but I've got nuthin.
I was gonna go see him in FL, and had still been planning on it, but then he goes MIA (sorta... not talked to me but he's posted on k-rev and sk and other people have talked to him) for better than a week... I mean, not even a call to wish me good luck with classes. Sure, mebbe his phone wasn't working or something, but come on... really... *sigh* And I blame myself, as I always do, for acting crazy (like I did when Joe broke up with me) and I hate myself all the more for being like this... wondering why I can't just be "normal" (whatever that is) and deal like Tom is. But then I think, mebbe he's "ok" cuz he's got someone else down there... mebbe that's why he hasn't called... and it makes me sick to my stomach.
The thing is, as much as this sucks, I'm not as overly stressed as I used to be, because I know, in my heart, that there's nothing I can do other than what I have been doing. He just keeps letting me down and either he doesn't realize it or he just doesn't care. It's not like I'm asking for the world... I just wanted his reassurance and love... to hear from him that he would come see me, and mean it, but when he hems and haws, I know he doesn't want to come. I guess I don't mean everything to him afterall, and it's sad because I used to mean so much to him and now... well... what bf doesn't send their gf something for Christmas? Esp when they make a point of saying they're going to. *sigh* People keep telling me I deserve better, and I'm starting to believe it. The problem is, I still think that Tom is the better, and that he's just been stressed or whatever. I always make excuses for him, because I love him. God help me, but I do, so very much. I can try to downplay it as much as I want (to save face or whatever) but I love him and there's nothing I can do about it. *sigh* Anyway...
I should be going... bunnies to feed and work later on... mebbe I'll try to call Tom again. I just feel *so* pathetic... like such a loser for caring about someone who, as my friends and family keep telling me, treats me like shit. :-/ But I love him, so I'm sure there's a reason why he's acting the way he is, right? *Grr!*
bah... hum bug! :-P