i wanna thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds
i always want so badly for things to work out the way i plan them. everyone does. occasionally they do. mcs was amazing, as always. i'm so monumentally happy for them. i've watched them grow for almost exactly three years now, and they have never disappointed. but now i'm at home, and .......................................
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i thought being here would be good. would be happy. would fix whatever's been wrong with me lately. it worked over winter break. my soul dies at school, but i got back here and i was myself again. but now, i'm not. more and more of the part of me that i like is disappearing, and i can't stop it. i can't have it back. any remnant of who i once was might be gone by this summer.
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and yes, this is melodramatic. and yes, i'm just a whiney kid. but i deserve to be happy. except that requires that i do something proactively, and i'm afraid of that. i'm afraid to transfer. i'm afraid to try and make new friends. i'm afraid i'm afraid i'm afraid. i just can't feel settled. i can't feel comfortable anywhere. i feel like i'm endlessly awaiting something, anything, exciting or comforting, new or old. just something different. i thought it would be college, but it's not. i hate that place more than high school. i've barely found anyone to connect with, and those that i have ... aren't really real. no one there really cares about me. and i'm hard-pressed to say that i care about any of them.
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i just want to go back to a place where everything felt good and right and normal. but i'm not sure i can even remember what that was.
.
i thought being here would be good. would be happy. would fix whatever's been wrong with me lately. it worked over winter break. my soul dies at school, but i got back here and i was myself again. but now, i'm not. more and more of the part of me that i like is disappearing, and i can't stop it. i can't have it back. any remnant of who i once was might be gone by this summer.
.
and yes, this is melodramatic. and yes, i'm just a whiney kid. but i deserve to be happy. except that requires that i do something proactively, and i'm afraid of that. i'm afraid to transfer. i'm afraid to try and make new friends. i'm afraid i'm afraid i'm afraid. i just can't feel settled. i can't feel comfortable anywhere. i feel like i'm endlessly awaiting something, anything, exciting or comforting, new or old. just something different. i thought it would be college, but it's not. i hate that place more than high school. i've barely found anyone to connect with, and those that i have ... aren't really real. no one there really cares about me. and i'm hard-pressed to say that i care about any of them.
.
i just want to go back to a place where everything felt good and right and normal. but i'm not sure i can even remember what that was.