Raining Cats and Gods (J2, AU) 1/2
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Title: Raining Cats and Gods
Rating: NC-17
Pairing/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Danneel Harris, Chad Michael Murray
Description: J2 AU. Crack. The one where Jared is a Rain God, Jensen is a virgin, and everything is Chad's fault.
Wordcount: ~10,800 words over two chapters
Warnings: explicit sexual content, inter-species sex, flawed mythology and biology, Chad
Betas: Thanks to sylsdarkplace and meus_venator for making this better. Any mistakes belong to me. I do meddle with my text when I post.
Disclaimer: This is fiction, pure fantasy folks. Nobody here belongs to me and they’re not likely to get in my van for candy any time soon. Written for the ianaugural week of j2_crack
Raining Cats and Gods, Part 1
Jensen should have known it was all a misunderstanding, because golden-tanned men with the stature of a demi-god, don't fall for nerds like him. Jensen would have liked to blame Doctor Who, but he couldn't stay angry with the show for long, especially when it was the source of great Eleven/Rory fic. Realistically, it was Chad who talked them into attending Comic Con, so the blame should be laid firmly on him.
He wound up a clockwork dalek, and let it trundle across his desk, while he stared at the endlessly gray sky and watched rain lash against his window. It trickled in lines to the sill, and plopped to the ground in giant drops that made a persistent and distracting noise, which nobody else in his office seemed to hear. In fact, by some peculiar fate of weather, the rain was only falling against the one window, by his cubicle.
He dropped his head to the surface of his desk, head-butted it twice, and left it there. Jared, he thought, with a sigh.
A paper airplane skimmed over his hair and landed by his hand. He raised his head and opened the plane, just as Danneel appeared by his side bearing strong coffee. 'Man up. This is your fault,' was scribed in her neat handwriting.
"No. It's Chad's fault," Jensen declared, as he took the coffee.
Danni nodded wisely. It was a well known fact, that when things went awry in their personal lives, it was always Chad's fault. It was a mystery why they kept their mutual friend around, now they had all finished college, except that he could, on occasion, be the source of awesome nerdy resources. Also, he didn't understand any variation of the words, "Go away."
"You're the only one who can fix it, Jen," she said quietly, looking pointedly at the rain tapping against his window. "Don't let the boss catch you mooning around."
"I am not!" Jensen straightened up, and clicked at his keyboard.
Danni patted him on the back, "You keep kidding yourself. By the way, I think that letter should read, Dear Mr. Kripke, not Dear Mr. Jared."
Jensen groaned and corrected it. His admin job, for an insurance giant, was mundane and tedious, but it paid the bills, and most months he had cash left over to save for the collectibles that were dotted around his room. At that moment, he had his eye on a limited edition Farscape poster signed by Claudia Black and Ben Browder. The thought of it kept his attention focused on his work for the rest of the day.
He passed the comic shop on the way home. Water streamed over the side walk to the gutter. Seattle couldn't be far from flooding. He lifted his collar and put his head down. Wind howled, and there was a sudden crack of lightning. The window of the comic shop exploded in flickering shards, and people dashed screaming and crying from the immediate area. Jensen huffed and glared up into the sky. Water flooded over his foot, and something solid lodged against his shoe. Jensen eyed the cylindrical container with suspicion, and glanced back at the comic shop, where it had rolled from. He leaned down to pick it up, found a patch of shelter in a doorway, and peeked inside. Sure enough, he could just make out Claudia Black's hair and one of Ben Browder's eyes. He put the lid back on the container and slipped it under his coat. He rolled his eyes. He was going to kill Chad, and possibly Jared, if Jared could be killed, which was doubtful. Danneel was right, this whole thing was a mess, and only Jensen could fix it.
***It started so innocently. Chad, Danni and Jensen were marathoning Doctor Who - the ninth Doctor with Rose and Captain Jack, and the whole evening was going swimmingly. There was popcorn, beer and Captain Jack Harkness in a uniform. Jensen was completely digging it.
Then, Chad said, like it wasn't important at all, "My friend can get tickets to Comic Con, right here, in Seattle. We should totally go. Billie Piper is going to be there, and Lexa Doig." He made a disgusting thrusting move with his pelvis. "Zing!" he said with his thumbs up, then as an afterthought, "John Barrowman and those two dudes from Supernatural will be there, and there's parties and karaoke. We might get an Eleven drunk enough to take Jensen's virginity." He grinned, "Result!"
Of course Danni screeched, and Jensen ignored the (unfortunately true) remark about being a virgin, and it all seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was. Comic Con was loud, brash, expensive and exciting. Jensen got to hug John Barrowman (he never wanted to let go), Danni refused Ian Somerhalder's kind invitation to go backstage with him, and Chad got slapped by Wonder Woman. There were real-size daleks, the TARDIS, the Winchester's Impala, and incredible Cos players at every turn. The three friends were having a blast, and Chad's next suggestion of a costumed Karaoke night, at his friend's club, sounded like a reasonable idea, except that it was Chad's idea, and involved one of Chad's more dubious friends. After four refusals, Jensen didn't have the energy left to argue. He let himself be pulled along. Really, Jensen should have known better.
The club was loud and smoky. Chad was dressed as Captain America, necking in a corner with Cat Woman, and Danni was Charlie Bradbury, making cow-eyes at Captain Kirk. Jensen was wearing his blue TARDIS suit, and just wanted to find somewhere quiet to nurse his drink. It wasn't that he didn't want somebody, and he wasn't hanging on to his virginity as something precious or anything, but he didn't seem to be able to talk to people. His tongue got tied, he'd stare like a lunatic and then run away. Add in, that apparently, he didn't look gay, or he only looked gay to the creepy nut-jobs who wanted him to do strange things in rubber, and he tended to be shy on nights like these.
He gravitated towards a less frantic corner, where the owner of the club, Steve, was showing off his latest acquisition. Over the thump of loud music, and between gyrating dancers, he was eager to describe the miniature fountain, in his 'romance corner', and how it had been smuggled from an Olmec archaeological dig, at great expense. Jensen sneered at the pile of rocks, over which water merrily trickled. It was neon-lit for club-atmosphere, and had a series of characters carved into one of the large stones. Jensen reached fingertips to touch it, sure that it would be fiber-glass, but the stone was real. Water suddenly spouted and he was soaked and shocked. It wasn't unpleasant, in fact it was refreshing. Steve glared at him, while everyone else laughed. "It's ancient. You shouldn't touch it."
Jensen sniggered at the stage-manship, and somebody asked about the inscription on the stone. Steve boasted that it was a romantic incantation, in an archaic language. Jensen leaned over, looked closely and argued that it was more like Klingon. Spock and Batman looked closely and agreed.
"You read it out then," challenged Steve.
So, Jensen did. It wasn't quite the Klingon he was familiar with, but it was close enough. Steve looked glumly at his rocks and stalked off, and everybody dispersed back to the dance floor, and that was that, or so Jensen thought.
He sipped his drink, and wondered why he hadn't noticed He-Man without his Masters of The Universe, among the crowd before. The man stood tall, golden skinned, and muscular, at the center of where the gathering had been. He wore little more than a loincloth and body paint, bracelets on his wrists, and a rainbow of gem earrings in both ears. He stared at Jensen in a very peculiar way, and Jensen blushed.
Jensen knew he was nothing to look at. He was all ginger-blonde hair and freckles, and despite being tall, he was a lot, lot smaller than this guy. He had stupid bow legs for God's sake. Still, he couldn't help the shy, slightly drunk glances he kept giving the dude. He felt giddy. He'd never been so attracted to anyone before. Hell, if he had any confidence he would bowl the dude over and lick him. Instead, he hid behind the fountain ...and uh-oh, He-Man followed him.
The most beautiful almond-shaped eyes peered around the fountain at him. They were the color of rain, or wet grass, with flecks of golden sunlight, or some such shit. Anyway, they were hard to define, multicolored like shades of a lake on a cloudy day. Jensen wondered why he was noticing them at all, when the guy's chest was smooth and firm, he had a six pack, incredible thighs ... and huge feet with long toes, and he had no shoes.
"Greetings," smiled He-Man. Jensen snapped his gaze back to the dude's face. He was all wide eyes, messy soft hair, and dimples, and his head happily bobbed to the beat of the music. "This is a very fine gathering. These drums beat loudly, and your people dance with energy. You make a persuasive offering."
Jensen blinked, he couldn't find words. The one time he would probably sound more lucid than the company he kept, and his voice refused to work. Great!
The man cocked his head to one side, and peered at Jensen. He stuck his tongue out and licked the tips of his elegant fingers, before running them slowly around wide full lips. Jesus, fuck, hell, crap. Jensen couldn't look away or even blink during that little display. He could think of other things he'd like those lips to come in contact with. He shook himself out of his trance when the man dropped his fingers from his face and studied them. He looked back at Jensen with a frown of confusion. "Are my words correct? It has been many years. Maybe my translation magic fails."
"Um, uh, eee," Jensen cringed at his own attempts at conversation. There was a hot guy, near-naked in front of him, talking to him, and here he was, sounding like he was about to sneeze. Great.
He-Man craned his neck to look around the club. He smiled. It looked like relief. "No babies," he said. "That is good. I will never know who started that rumor, but I don't want dead babies," he paused, "Or dead anything, unless it is cooked. I rather like coddled eggs, and cured pig. Oh, that looks refreshing." Long fingers wrapped around the beer in Jensen's hand and took it from him.
Jensen was too shocked to protest. He watched as acres of neck tipped back and the tall stranger drank his beer in three ridiculously erotic gulps. He didn't know what to do. Jensen thought he must have looked as if he was offering the beer, so it seemed impolite to call him out on theft. He decided to ignore it.
He finally found his voice. "What are you?" He waved his hand up and down the man's body, indicating his costume, because he sure as hell didn't role-play like Masters of The Universe.
"Oh," said tall dude, forlornly.
Jensen wondered how such a big guy could look so much like a sick kitten.
The man glanced down at his mostly bare body, and back at Jensen. "It's my first time on my own, and I know I'm not as impressive as Tlaloc or Chaac."
If Jensen was aiming not to offend the dude, he was failing miserably. He felt terrible for upsetting him. It must be horrid to be alone among the chaos of Comic Con, however confident a person was. He still had no idea what the costume was, or who the characters he mentioned were. He searched his brain for lesser-known comic books, and manga characters, and came up blank. "Well, I think you are magnificent," Jensen complimented in the end. He flushed when he realized his own words, he stuttered, “look magnificent … costume is … that is...,” then trailed off.
The sunny smile was back. Fingers cupped Jensen's chin gently and a thumb caressed his cheek. Jensen was sure his feet left the floor, he jumped so hard with the unexpected shock of the touch. Not that he minded, it was oddly comforting and a whole lot exciting.
"You are the most beautiful and worthy virgin, for Jared the Rain God, and I like what your people have done with my shrine. The colors are bright like a rainbow. I enjoy everything about this offering. My favor shall reward your town."
Jensen barely had time to register the uh-oh, at that whole peculiar speech before Jared was spinning with his arms wide, and his loincloth fluttered dangerously upward. In the next moment, fire alarms were sounding. Sprinklers opened with the drenching spray of cold water. His first reaction was to curse. His costume was dry-clean only. It would be ruined. Then, there was a stampede for the exits, and Jensen frantically looked about for Chad and Danni. He breathed out when he saw his friends wave at him, and indicate the main exit. He'd meet them outside.
From the corner of his eye he could see that Jared, the Rain God (seriously-that was a totally new character to him), was making no effort to walk to the exit. Instead, he was dancing in the deluge, happy and innocent as anyone could be. His loincloth was soaked, and a prominent well-proportioned outline could be seen in the cloth. Apparently, Jared took his Cos play seriously, and wasn't wearing any underwear. Jesus. Jensen was almost purple with embarrassment, but there was concern too. Something was definitely not right with Jared. "Fire!" he yelled, and grabbed Jared's hand, tugging him towards the exit.
Jared stopped and looked around wild-eyed. "Where?" he asked. "I don't like fire." He actually shuddered.
"I don't know. We should get out."
They were ushered through the main doors into cold rain outside, and what was with that? It had been a bright cloudless night, with fine weather forecast to continue for days. Jensen looked dismally at the fading sleeve of his TARDIS suit. He had saved for two months to buy it off eBAY.
"Mmm." Jared said, as he followed, "Are we going to the altar?” He nuzzled Jensen's ear. “You shall sacrifice your virginity to me, soon. I am looking forward to it." He sniffed the back of Jensen's neck, “You smell wonderful. I think we are compatible. You will go to the celestial realm with me.”
Sacrifice his what, and go where? Oh! The other shoe dropped. "I am going to fucking kill Chad!"
Outside, in the gathering mayhem, there were fire trucks and police cars. An ambulance screeched to the curb, and camera flashes broke the gloom. Somewhere, in the middle of it all, Steve was frantically apologizing for the inconvenience, and loudly criticizing the suppliers of a faulty fire sprinkler system.
Jensen saw Jared freeze. He estimated that the rain god was about three gulps of air from a panic attack. Seriously, Chad was going to die, especially if he had anything to do with the sprinkler debacle, because Jared actually seemed like a nice guy, and he was basically naked, on a busy street, in the freezing rain.
"No, no. Don't kill anyone." Jared sounded genuinely worried. He tugged at Jensen's arm. "There are many more worshipers than I expected. Um, thirty would be plenty. Three, even. Is the altar out here? I'm not really used to... well, it's my first time. I know Tloloc would be very impressed, and my father was all about a show, but...," Jared hung his head, "He retired, and I didn't think I'd ever be summoned, and I never took much notice of the ceremony with father, because who wants to watch their dad get it on? and... I mean it's been thousands of years... and...,"
Jared finally stopped his frenzied ramble, to take a huge, shivering breath. Jensen was getting increasingly worried about the man. He caught the eye of a firefighter, who took a single look at Jared, and understood his concern. A foil blanket was wrapped around Jared with a reassuring pat on his back.
Jared wrinkled the foil in his hands and grinned at the noise. He twirled with the blanket as a cape, and giggled at the colors it reflected. He stared in fascination at the way drops of rain trickled over it. "This is...," he sighed happily, "...the most beautiful gift yet." Then he clapped his hand to his mouth, and totally unexpectedly, leaned down to kiss Jensen softly on the lips, "Except for you. You are more delightful, than I ever imagined. Your eyes are the color of the Emerald Lake, you have golden raindrops all over your skin, your hair is the color of hay after a storm, and your legs invite me to spread them. Even my father never had such a sacrifice."
The fire-fighter raised his eyebrows at Jensen, and they both stared at Jared. "What has he taken? Does he need medical assistance?"
Jensen shrugged. "It's okay. We have a mutual friend. It's him who will need medical assistance."
The fire fighter nodded knowingly. "You make sure he gets home safely, and don't leave him alone until he's sobered up."
"I'll look after him," Jensen promised.
Jensen didn't object when Jared snaked a long arm around his waist and shared his foil blanket. "I will tell your people that their chariots are very fine. They can ride off, while we... um. We could find a cave. Somewhere private. I don't think an altar is essential. I'm fairly sure your shamen made that up."
Somebody poked Jensen in the ribs, "Chad's hailing a taxi, but it's a total bitch, everyone needs one." Danni's bright voice spoke next to Jensen's ear, and her hand stroked his arm. "Ooh. Oh! Jensen! Who is this handsome hunk of meat?"
Jared looked down at Jensen's friend, and snarled. Not a slight clearing of his throat, not a little whine, no, a full on tiger-like threat, and how does anyone even do that?
In the distance thunder rolled, and jagged light leaped from cloud to cloud. Jared watched it, and swayed, as if in time to music only he heard.
"This," said Jensen, grating his teeth, "Is Jared the Rain God, and I swear I am going to kill Chad for this prank. Also, I think our nerdy Rain God been roofied, and he doesn't have a stitch of clothing, or any belongings, so Chad will have to get him home."
"He likes you. Mm, and you look good together. Hey, you should thank whoever roofied him. I mean he's got his arm around you. You're practically at first base. If you score a home run, can I watch?" She nudged him and winked.
"No!" yelled Jensen over a fresh crack of thunder. Sometimes he hated his friends.
Jared narrowed his eyes at Danneel. He took her hand from Jensen's arm and placed it by her side. His previously gentle voice seemed to boom, "You should respect him. You should respect me."
"Oh, wow. Touchy. No need to be rude," huffed Danni.
Rain poured down, like an equatorial storm, and just above Danneel, a gutter broke loose. A splash of muddy water drenched her, and half rotted leaves stuck to her hair. "Ugh. Oh my god! Who suggested we come to this awful place?"
"Whassup bitches!" Chad clapped Danni and Jensen on the back. "Steve's ordering a taxi for us. It will pick us up around the back, to save it being mobbed. Come on."
"Chad!" Danni and Jensen growled at the same time.
"Yeah! I'm the man!" grinned Chad with a swagger. He didn't seem to care that his soaked Spandex left little to the imagination. "Hey, who's the Tarzan? Woah! Jenny, or should I say Janey...," he cackled, "...we can drop you off at his tree-house, if things are getting tropical." He wiggled his eyebrows at Jared.
"I'm JARED," roared Jared. The name seemed to combine with an almighty crack of lightning that struck horribly close. Chad's shoes smoked hot, and his hair stood on end.
"Wow. Touchy," commented Chad. All around them hobbits, superheroes and inter galactic travelers rushed for shelter.
"Chad! We have to get away from here," Danneel shouted.
"Say goodbye to Tarzan, Jenny, get his number, and come on," Chad said, impatiently leading the way.
"No. This is your fault. You set him up to prank me. You have to get him home," Jensen demanded.
Jared leaned in to Jensen, "You have to give me your virginity, only then can I go home."
"Oh, c'mon. Joke over!" Jensen raised his arms in despair. "Chad tell him he can stop."
Jared's brow furrowed. Oh crap! He had the sick kitten expression again. Jensen put his arm around Jared's waist so they were flush to each other. It felt amazing. He wanted to snuggle into his side and stay there, but it would be taking advantage of the dude's current state. "It's not your fault," he reassured. "Chad pulls this shit all the time. You have to put your foot down with him."
Jared squinted down at his bare feet. He lifted his right foot up and stamped it onto the sidewalk with a splash of water. He looked back at Chad, as if he expected something to happen, then frowned.
Jensen glared at Chad, "Chad where does Jared live?"
Jared answered. "I have a little place, between the Emerald Lake, and the sun nymphs' meadow. I think we'll have to modernize, and if you don't like the decor we could change it."
Chad answered at the same time, "How should I know? You picked up the weirdo. Ask him."
"Stop it! You set us up. Can't you see the state he's in?" Jensen punched Chad.
"Ouch! I haven't set anybody up. I promise. Well, except Cat Woman, and she scratched me somewhere intimate when she found out. This evening was not about you. I have no idea who Tarzan is." Chad flailed and his hand splashed in the suddenly deep, muddy puddle that was gathering on the ground around him. He tried to get up, and Jensen punched him again. To be fair, neither punch was very powerful; Jensen didn't want to hurt his knuckles.
Jared and Danni looked at Chad and Jensen, and then at each other, in shock. The rain stopped abruptly, and a yellow cab sloshed to a halt beside them, kicking up a spray of water from the road.
"This isn't how it's supposed to work. Jensen said there would be no killing. Should we intervene?" Jared asked Danni.
"No. They're idiots, and Chad deserves it. C'mon honey, Jensen's right, we can't leave you like this. Where do you live?"
"I said, I have a place by the Emerald..,"
"Oh, honey, you're wrecked. I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you. Jensen can lend you some PJs, and you can sleep on our sofa. We'll work it out in the morning."
"You want me to stay?" Jared's brow furrowed, and then he smiled. Like camping? Do you play monopoly?"
The cab driver cleared his throat, "If you don't need a ride, I have other customers."
Danni answered hastily, "No, no. we're getting in the cab. Aren't we? Do you have some plastic for your seat, we're a little wet." She smiled sexy-sweet at the driver, and his attitude softened.
"Of course."
Danneel, pulled a confused-looking Jared into the cab. The rain started down again.
"I've never been in a chariot," grinned Jared.
Danni patted his knee. "Jensen! Chad! Get your asses in this cab right now!" she yelled. "Sometimes you have to be firm with them," she explained.
"Oh, I'm sure that Jensen will be perfect for me," Jared sighed.
Danni patted his knee again, "Yes, hon, I think he will."
***Jared was quiet in the cab. In fact he turned quite green, grabbed for Jensen's hand and leaned his head on his shoulder. "It's very fast," he whispered in Jensen's ear, squeezing his hand tight. He looked both relieved and bemused when he arrived at the house which Chad, Danneel, and Jensen shared. Ten minutes was spent opening and closing the main door, and then another ten minutes turning the tap in the kitchen on and off, and exclaiming at the hot water that ran from it. "And I can stay for the night?" he asked in awe, "Because mostly we never get invited to stay for the celebration after." He seemed to ponder on it, "But then it isn't after, because we haven't finished the ceremony." He smiled widely at Jensen, and continued grinning at Chad and Danneel, "When do we have sex?" he asked, cheerfully.
Chad spat his drink, "Woah there, cowboy! We haven't been introduced."
"Not you.You're tainted," Jared said, equally cheerfully. "Only my virgin with the golden raindrop skin." He pulled Jensen close and kissed the top of his head.
Jensen beamed smugly.
Danneel grabbed a towel, and spoke firmly, "Okay Mister Rain God, you're delusional. You need to get a warm shower, before you catch your death. Then, you will sleep on the sofa, and there will be no man-touching or fucking like bunnies, because Jensen has been drinking, and you have been slipped goodness knows what. Neither of you are properly introduced, or capable of consent."
Jensen was oddly crushed by the ban, even if he knew Danni was right. God knows, it could be Rohypnol that Jared had been given, and where would that leave Jensen in the morning? He was rather taken with the idea of fucking like bunnies with Jared though. He was so close to the not-a-virgin-anymore finish line, and he didn't think he cared if he had self-respect in the morning, because Jared was scorching hot and cute. He sighed. He hoped Jared would still like him when he was sober, but he was sure he'd run screaming as soon as he realized what a plain nerd Jensen was. His life sucked.
Jared peered worriedly down at Jensen, "I am Jared, son of Padalecki, second Jaguar Deity of the Olmec. Are you going to run away?" he asked.
“Proves my point,” commented Danni, dryly.
"I'm Jensen Ackles, and it's my house," laughed Jensen, "So, of course not. We may order pizza though. What toppings do you like?"
"Pizza?"
"Never mind. We'll order a mixture."
Danni showed Jared the shower, and there was more delight from him. He used every drop of hot water, and wandered naked, and dripping a wet trail, into the kitchen. Chad and Danni screeched, covered their eyes and left the room, while Jensen struggled to provide a towel without taking advantage of the view. Jensen didn't have much experience in these things but honestly; he knew quality when he saw it.
Hmm. You like what you see of your God?"
Jensen nodded dumbly and shoved some soft PJs at Jared. "Yes, but we ought not to share with Danneel and Chad."
Jared posed unselfconsciously, "Worshipers like to see me."
Jensen floundered for an answer, "Well, they... haven't earned it."
"True enough," Jared agreed. He slipped the clothes on. It was still faintly pornographic. The tee-shirt was tight on his chest, and pert nipples showed through.The soft shorts pulled tight over his ass and did little to hide the bulge at his crotch. Jensen itched to touch, but resisted the urge with a dab of cold water on his neck.
Pizza was delivered. They sat on the sofa and watched late night television while they ate. Jared sat next to Jensen, and petted his hair and shoulder while engrossed in the on-off relationship of Rachel and Ross, in Friends. He ate over half the pizza, without even looking at it, much to the chagrin of Chad, and the astonishment of Danneel. When he was done, he burped and rubbed his stomach. "Pizza has my approval," he announced.
"Good." Jensen curled into Jared's side, and laid his head on his chest. Jared was firm and warm, and smelled like summer rain. Jensen wanted to burrow into him, hug him and never let go. He couldn't keep his eyes open.
"Well, I'm turning in." Chad waved goodnight.
Danni lingered. "Jen. You should go to bed."
"M'cozy 'nd m'not tired," Jensen protested. She was right of course, and what she was really saying was, don't be stupid, go to your room, and lock the door, because you have no idea if Jared is an addict or an axe murderer, or if you can control yourself all night.
Jared growled protectively, "I'll make sure he's safe," which clearly did nothing to reassure Danni. She backed away nervously.
"I'll be right there, in my room, next door," She glared at them both, "If there's a problem, you only have to shout."
"Go t'bed, Danni, m'n'adult," Jensen mumbled.
Outside, the rain still fell. It gathered, burst drain covers, and swelled streams. Inside, infomercials played on the TV, while Jensen draped over a virtual stranger and slept like a baby. He dreamed of sunlight after summer rainfall, the babble of brooks, and calm sea with a lazy foam swell.
***
Part 2
Title: Raining Cats and Gods
Rating: NC-17
Pairing/Characters: Jared/Jensen, Danneel Harris, Chad Michael Murray
Description: J2 AU. Crack. The one where Jared is a Rain God, Jensen is a virgin, and everything is Chad's fault.
Wordcount: ~10,800 words over two chapters
Warnings: explicit sexual content, inter-species sex, flawed mythology and biology, Chad
Betas: Thanks to sylsdarkplace and meus_venator for making this better. Any mistakes belong to me. I do meddle with my text when I post.
Disclaimer: This is fiction, pure fantasy folks. Nobody here belongs to me and they’re not likely to get in my van for candy any time soon. Written for the ianaugural week of j2_crack
Raining Cats and Gods, Part 1
Jensen should have known it was all a misunderstanding, because golden-tanned men with the stature of a demi-god, don't fall for nerds like him. Jensen would have liked to blame Doctor Who, but he couldn't stay angry with the show for long, especially when it was the source of great Eleven/Rory fic. Realistically, it was Chad who talked them into attending Comic Con, so the blame should be laid firmly on him.
He wound up a clockwork dalek, and let it trundle across his desk, while he stared at the endlessly gray sky and watched rain lash against his window. It trickled in lines to the sill, and plopped to the ground in giant drops that made a persistent and distracting noise, which nobody else in his office seemed to hear. In fact, by some peculiar fate of weather, the rain was only falling against the one window, by his cubicle.
He dropped his head to the surface of his desk, head-butted it twice, and left it there. Jared, he thought, with a sigh.
A paper airplane skimmed over his hair and landed by his hand. He raised his head and opened the plane, just as Danneel appeared by his side bearing strong coffee. 'Man up. This is your fault,' was scribed in her neat handwriting.
"No. It's Chad's fault," Jensen declared, as he took the coffee.
Danni nodded wisely. It was a well known fact, that when things went awry in their personal lives, it was always Chad's fault. It was a mystery why they kept their mutual friend around, now they had all finished college, except that he could, on occasion, be the source of awesome nerdy resources. Also, he didn't understand any variation of the words, "Go away."
"You're the only one who can fix it, Jen," she said quietly, looking pointedly at the rain tapping against his window. "Don't let the boss catch you mooning around."
"I am not!" Jensen straightened up, and clicked at his keyboard.
Danni patted him on the back, "You keep kidding yourself. By the way, I think that letter should read, Dear Mr. Kripke, not Dear Mr. Jared."
Jensen groaned and corrected it. His admin job, for an insurance giant, was mundane and tedious, but it paid the bills, and most months he had cash left over to save for the collectibles that were dotted around his room. At that moment, he had his eye on a limited edition Farscape poster signed by Claudia Black and Ben Browder. The thought of it kept his attention focused on his work for the rest of the day.
He passed the comic shop on the way home. Water streamed over the side walk to the gutter. Seattle couldn't be far from flooding. He lifted his collar and put his head down. Wind howled, and there was a sudden crack of lightning. The window of the comic shop exploded in flickering shards, and people dashed screaming and crying from the immediate area. Jensen huffed and glared up into the sky. Water flooded over his foot, and something solid lodged against his shoe. Jensen eyed the cylindrical container with suspicion, and glanced back at the comic shop, where it had rolled from. He leaned down to pick it up, found a patch of shelter in a doorway, and peeked inside. Sure enough, he could just make out Claudia Black's hair and one of Ben Browder's eyes. He put the lid back on the container and slipped it under his coat. He rolled his eyes. He was going to kill Chad, and possibly Jared, if Jared could be killed, which was doubtful. Danneel was right, this whole thing was a mess, and only Jensen could fix it.
***It started so innocently. Chad, Danni and Jensen were marathoning Doctor Who - the ninth Doctor with Rose and Captain Jack, and the whole evening was going swimmingly. There was popcorn, beer and Captain Jack Harkness in a uniform. Jensen was completely digging it.
Then, Chad said, like it wasn't important at all, "My friend can get tickets to Comic Con, right here, in Seattle. We should totally go. Billie Piper is going to be there, and Lexa Doig." He made a disgusting thrusting move with his pelvis. "Zing!" he said with his thumbs up, then as an afterthought, "John Barrowman and those two dudes from Supernatural will be there, and there's parties and karaoke. We might get an Eleven drunk enough to take Jensen's virginity." He grinned, "Result!"
Of course Danni screeched, and Jensen ignored the (unfortunately true) remark about being a virgin, and it all seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was. Comic Con was loud, brash, expensive and exciting. Jensen got to hug John Barrowman (he never wanted to let go), Danni refused Ian Somerhalder's kind invitation to go backstage with him, and Chad got slapped by Wonder Woman. There were real-size daleks, the TARDIS, the Winchester's Impala, and incredible Cos players at every turn. The three friends were having a blast, and Chad's next suggestion of a costumed Karaoke night, at his friend's club, sounded like a reasonable idea, except that it was Chad's idea, and involved one of Chad's more dubious friends. After four refusals, Jensen didn't have the energy left to argue. He let himself be pulled along. Really, Jensen should have known better.
The club was loud and smoky. Chad was dressed as Captain America, necking in a corner with Cat Woman, and Danni was Charlie Bradbury, making cow-eyes at Captain Kirk. Jensen was wearing his blue TARDIS suit, and just wanted to find somewhere quiet to nurse his drink. It wasn't that he didn't want somebody, and he wasn't hanging on to his virginity as something precious or anything, but he didn't seem to be able to talk to people. His tongue got tied, he'd stare like a lunatic and then run away. Add in, that apparently, he didn't look gay, or he only looked gay to the creepy nut-jobs who wanted him to do strange things in rubber, and he tended to be shy on nights like these.
He gravitated towards a less frantic corner, where the owner of the club, Steve, was showing off his latest acquisition. Over the thump of loud music, and between gyrating dancers, he was eager to describe the miniature fountain, in his 'romance corner', and how it had been smuggled from an Olmec archaeological dig, at great expense. Jensen sneered at the pile of rocks, over which water merrily trickled. It was neon-lit for club-atmosphere, and had a series of characters carved into one of the large stones. Jensen reached fingertips to touch it, sure that it would be fiber-glass, but the stone was real. Water suddenly spouted and he was soaked and shocked. It wasn't unpleasant, in fact it was refreshing. Steve glared at him, while everyone else laughed. "It's ancient. You shouldn't touch it."
Jensen sniggered at the stage-manship, and somebody asked about the inscription on the stone. Steve boasted that it was a romantic incantation, in an archaic language. Jensen leaned over, looked closely and argued that it was more like Klingon. Spock and Batman looked closely and agreed.
"You read it out then," challenged Steve.
So, Jensen did. It wasn't quite the Klingon he was familiar with, but it was close enough. Steve looked glumly at his rocks and stalked off, and everybody dispersed back to the dance floor, and that was that, or so Jensen thought.
He sipped his drink, and wondered why he hadn't noticed He-Man without his Masters of The Universe, among the crowd before. The man stood tall, golden skinned, and muscular, at the center of where the gathering had been. He wore little more than a loincloth and body paint, bracelets on his wrists, and a rainbow of gem earrings in both ears. He stared at Jensen in a very peculiar way, and Jensen blushed.
Jensen knew he was nothing to look at. He was all ginger-blonde hair and freckles, and despite being tall, he was a lot, lot smaller than this guy. He had stupid bow legs for God's sake. Still, he couldn't help the shy, slightly drunk glances he kept giving the dude. He felt giddy. He'd never been so attracted to anyone before. Hell, if he had any confidence he would bowl the dude over and lick him. Instead, he hid behind the fountain ...and uh-oh, He-Man followed him.
The most beautiful almond-shaped eyes peered around the fountain at him. They were the color of rain, or wet grass, with flecks of golden sunlight, or some such shit. Anyway, they were hard to define, multicolored like shades of a lake on a cloudy day. Jensen wondered why he was noticing them at all, when the guy's chest was smooth and firm, he had a six pack, incredible thighs ... and huge feet with long toes, and he had no shoes.
"Greetings," smiled He-Man. Jensen snapped his gaze back to the dude's face. He was all wide eyes, messy soft hair, and dimples, and his head happily bobbed to the beat of the music. "This is a very fine gathering. These drums beat loudly, and your people dance with energy. You make a persuasive offering."
Jensen blinked, he couldn't find words. The one time he would probably sound more lucid than the company he kept, and his voice refused to work. Great!
The man cocked his head to one side, and peered at Jensen. He stuck his tongue out and licked the tips of his elegant fingers, before running them slowly around wide full lips. Jesus, fuck, hell, crap. Jensen couldn't look away or even blink during that little display. He could think of other things he'd like those lips to come in contact with. He shook himself out of his trance when the man dropped his fingers from his face and studied them. He looked back at Jensen with a frown of confusion. "Are my words correct? It has been many years. Maybe my translation magic fails."
"Um, uh, eee," Jensen cringed at his own attempts at conversation. There was a hot guy, near-naked in front of him, talking to him, and here he was, sounding like he was about to sneeze. Great.
He-Man craned his neck to look around the club. He smiled. It looked like relief. "No babies," he said. "That is good. I will never know who started that rumor, but I don't want dead babies," he paused, "Or dead anything, unless it is cooked. I rather like coddled eggs, and cured pig. Oh, that looks refreshing." Long fingers wrapped around the beer in Jensen's hand and took it from him.
Jensen was too shocked to protest. He watched as acres of neck tipped back and the tall stranger drank his beer in three ridiculously erotic gulps. He didn't know what to do. Jensen thought he must have looked as if he was offering the beer, so it seemed impolite to call him out on theft. He decided to ignore it.
He finally found his voice. "What are you?" He waved his hand up and down the man's body, indicating his costume, because he sure as hell didn't role-play like Masters of The Universe.
"Oh," said tall dude, forlornly.
Jensen wondered how such a big guy could look so much like a sick kitten.
The man glanced down at his mostly bare body, and back at Jensen. "It's my first time on my own, and I know I'm not as impressive as Tlaloc or Chaac."
If Jensen was aiming not to offend the dude, he was failing miserably. He felt terrible for upsetting him. It must be horrid to be alone among the chaos of Comic Con, however confident a person was. He still had no idea what the costume was, or who the characters he mentioned were. He searched his brain for lesser-known comic books, and manga characters, and came up blank. "Well, I think you are magnificent," Jensen complimented in the end. He flushed when he realized his own words, he stuttered, “look magnificent … costume is … that is...,” then trailed off.
The sunny smile was back. Fingers cupped Jensen's chin gently and a thumb caressed his cheek. Jensen was sure his feet left the floor, he jumped so hard with the unexpected shock of the touch. Not that he minded, it was oddly comforting and a whole lot exciting.
"You are the most beautiful and worthy virgin, for Jared the Rain God, and I like what your people have done with my shrine. The colors are bright like a rainbow. I enjoy everything about this offering. My favor shall reward your town."
Jensen barely had time to register the uh-oh, at that whole peculiar speech before Jared was spinning with his arms wide, and his loincloth fluttered dangerously upward. In the next moment, fire alarms were sounding. Sprinklers opened with the drenching spray of cold water. His first reaction was to curse. His costume was dry-clean only. It would be ruined. Then, there was a stampede for the exits, and Jensen frantically looked about for Chad and Danni. He breathed out when he saw his friends wave at him, and indicate the main exit. He'd meet them outside.
From the corner of his eye he could see that Jared, the Rain God (seriously-that was a totally new character to him), was making no effort to walk to the exit. Instead, he was dancing in the deluge, happy and innocent as anyone could be. His loincloth was soaked, and a prominent well-proportioned outline could be seen in the cloth. Apparently, Jared took his Cos play seriously, and wasn't wearing any underwear. Jesus. Jensen was almost purple with embarrassment, but there was concern too. Something was definitely not right with Jared. "Fire!" he yelled, and grabbed Jared's hand, tugging him towards the exit.
Jared stopped and looked around wild-eyed. "Where?" he asked. "I don't like fire." He actually shuddered.
"I don't know. We should get out."
They were ushered through the main doors into cold rain outside, and what was with that? It had been a bright cloudless night, with fine weather forecast to continue for days. Jensen looked dismally at the fading sleeve of his TARDIS suit. He had saved for two months to buy it off eBAY.
"Mmm." Jared said, as he followed, "Are we going to the altar?” He nuzzled Jensen's ear. “You shall sacrifice your virginity to me, soon. I am looking forward to it." He sniffed the back of Jensen's neck, “You smell wonderful. I think we are compatible. You will go to the celestial realm with me.”
Sacrifice his what, and go where? Oh! The other shoe dropped. "I am going to fucking kill Chad!"
Outside, in the gathering mayhem, there were fire trucks and police cars. An ambulance screeched to the curb, and camera flashes broke the gloom. Somewhere, in the middle of it all, Steve was frantically apologizing for the inconvenience, and loudly criticizing the suppliers of a faulty fire sprinkler system.
Jensen saw Jared freeze. He estimated that the rain god was about three gulps of air from a panic attack. Seriously, Chad was going to die, especially if he had anything to do with the sprinkler debacle, because Jared actually seemed like a nice guy, and he was basically naked, on a busy street, in the freezing rain.
"No, no. Don't kill anyone." Jared sounded genuinely worried. He tugged at Jensen's arm. "There are many more worshipers than I expected. Um, thirty would be plenty. Three, even. Is the altar out here? I'm not really used to... well, it's my first time. I know Tloloc would be very impressed, and my father was all about a show, but...," Jared hung his head, "He retired, and I didn't think I'd ever be summoned, and I never took much notice of the ceremony with father, because who wants to watch their dad get it on? and... I mean it's been thousands of years... and...,"
Jared finally stopped his frenzied ramble, to take a huge, shivering breath. Jensen was getting increasingly worried about the man. He caught the eye of a firefighter, who took a single look at Jared, and understood his concern. A foil blanket was wrapped around Jared with a reassuring pat on his back.
Jared wrinkled the foil in his hands and grinned at the noise. He twirled with the blanket as a cape, and giggled at the colors it reflected. He stared in fascination at the way drops of rain trickled over it. "This is...," he sighed happily, "...the most beautiful gift yet." Then he clapped his hand to his mouth, and totally unexpectedly, leaned down to kiss Jensen softly on the lips, "Except for you. You are more delightful, than I ever imagined. Your eyes are the color of the Emerald Lake, you have golden raindrops all over your skin, your hair is the color of hay after a storm, and your legs invite me to spread them. Even my father never had such a sacrifice."
The fire-fighter raised his eyebrows at Jensen, and they both stared at Jared. "What has he taken? Does he need medical assistance?"
Jensen shrugged. "It's okay. We have a mutual friend. It's him who will need medical assistance."
The fire fighter nodded knowingly. "You make sure he gets home safely, and don't leave him alone until he's sobered up."
"I'll look after him," Jensen promised.
Jensen didn't object when Jared snaked a long arm around his waist and shared his foil blanket. "I will tell your people that their chariots are very fine. They can ride off, while we... um. We could find a cave. Somewhere private. I don't think an altar is essential. I'm fairly sure your shamen made that up."
Somebody poked Jensen in the ribs, "Chad's hailing a taxi, but it's a total bitch, everyone needs one." Danni's bright voice spoke next to Jensen's ear, and her hand stroked his arm. "Ooh. Oh! Jensen! Who is this handsome hunk of meat?"
Jared looked down at Jensen's friend, and snarled. Not a slight clearing of his throat, not a little whine, no, a full on tiger-like threat, and how does anyone even do that?
In the distance thunder rolled, and jagged light leaped from cloud to cloud. Jared watched it, and swayed, as if in time to music only he heard.
"This," said Jensen, grating his teeth, "Is Jared the Rain God, and I swear I am going to kill Chad for this prank. Also, I think our nerdy Rain God been roofied, and he doesn't have a stitch of clothing, or any belongings, so Chad will have to get him home."
"He likes you. Mm, and you look good together. Hey, you should thank whoever roofied him. I mean he's got his arm around you. You're practically at first base. If you score a home run, can I watch?" She nudged him and winked.
"No!" yelled Jensen over a fresh crack of thunder. Sometimes he hated his friends.
Jared narrowed his eyes at Danneel. He took her hand from Jensen's arm and placed it by her side. His previously gentle voice seemed to boom, "You should respect him. You should respect me."
"Oh, wow. Touchy. No need to be rude," huffed Danni.
Rain poured down, like an equatorial storm, and just above Danneel, a gutter broke loose. A splash of muddy water drenched her, and half rotted leaves stuck to her hair. "Ugh. Oh my god! Who suggested we come to this awful place?"
"Whassup bitches!" Chad clapped Danni and Jensen on the back. "Steve's ordering a taxi for us. It will pick us up around the back, to save it being mobbed. Come on."
"Chad!" Danni and Jensen growled at the same time.
"Yeah! I'm the man!" grinned Chad with a swagger. He didn't seem to care that his soaked Spandex left little to the imagination. "Hey, who's the Tarzan? Woah! Jenny, or should I say Janey...," he cackled, "...we can drop you off at his tree-house, if things are getting tropical." He wiggled his eyebrows at Jared.
"I'm JARED," roared Jared. The name seemed to combine with an almighty crack of lightning that struck horribly close. Chad's shoes smoked hot, and his hair stood on end.
"Wow. Touchy," commented Chad. All around them hobbits, superheroes and inter galactic travelers rushed for shelter.
"Chad! We have to get away from here," Danneel shouted.
"Say goodbye to Tarzan, Jenny, get his number, and come on," Chad said, impatiently leading the way.
"No. This is your fault. You set him up to prank me. You have to get him home," Jensen demanded.
Jared leaned in to Jensen, "You have to give me your virginity, only then can I go home."
"Oh, c'mon. Joke over!" Jensen raised his arms in despair. "Chad tell him he can stop."
Jared's brow furrowed. Oh crap! He had the sick kitten expression again. Jensen put his arm around Jared's waist so they were flush to each other. It felt amazing. He wanted to snuggle into his side and stay there, but it would be taking advantage of the dude's current state. "It's not your fault," he reassured. "Chad pulls this shit all the time. You have to put your foot down with him."
Jared squinted down at his bare feet. He lifted his right foot up and stamped it onto the sidewalk with a splash of water. He looked back at Chad, as if he expected something to happen, then frowned.
Jensen glared at Chad, "Chad where does Jared live?"
Jared answered. "I have a little place, between the Emerald Lake, and the sun nymphs' meadow. I think we'll have to modernize, and if you don't like the decor we could change it."
Chad answered at the same time, "How should I know? You picked up the weirdo. Ask him."
"Stop it! You set us up. Can't you see the state he's in?" Jensen punched Chad.
"Ouch! I haven't set anybody up. I promise. Well, except Cat Woman, and she scratched me somewhere intimate when she found out. This evening was not about you. I have no idea who Tarzan is." Chad flailed and his hand splashed in the suddenly deep, muddy puddle that was gathering on the ground around him. He tried to get up, and Jensen punched him again. To be fair, neither punch was very powerful; Jensen didn't want to hurt his knuckles.
Jared and Danni looked at Chad and Jensen, and then at each other, in shock. The rain stopped abruptly, and a yellow cab sloshed to a halt beside them, kicking up a spray of water from the road.
"This isn't how it's supposed to work. Jensen said there would be no killing. Should we intervene?" Jared asked Danni.
"No. They're idiots, and Chad deserves it. C'mon honey, Jensen's right, we can't leave you like this. Where do you live?"
"I said, I have a place by the Emerald..,"
"Oh, honey, you're wrecked. I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you. Jensen can lend you some PJs, and you can sleep on our sofa. We'll work it out in the morning."
"You want me to stay?" Jared's brow furrowed, and then he smiled. Like camping? Do you play monopoly?"
The cab driver cleared his throat, "If you don't need a ride, I have other customers."
Danni answered hastily, "No, no. we're getting in the cab. Aren't we? Do you have some plastic for your seat, we're a little wet." She smiled sexy-sweet at the driver, and his attitude softened.
"Of course."
Danneel, pulled a confused-looking Jared into the cab. The rain started down again.
"I've never been in a chariot," grinned Jared.
Danni patted his knee. "Jensen! Chad! Get your asses in this cab right now!" she yelled. "Sometimes you have to be firm with them," she explained.
"Oh, I'm sure that Jensen will be perfect for me," Jared sighed.
Danni patted his knee again, "Yes, hon, I think he will."
***Jared was quiet in the cab. In fact he turned quite green, grabbed for Jensen's hand and leaned his head on his shoulder. "It's very fast," he whispered in Jensen's ear, squeezing his hand tight. He looked both relieved and bemused when he arrived at the house which Chad, Danneel, and Jensen shared. Ten minutes was spent opening and closing the main door, and then another ten minutes turning the tap in the kitchen on and off, and exclaiming at the hot water that ran from it. "And I can stay for the night?" he asked in awe, "Because mostly we never get invited to stay for the celebration after." He seemed to ponder on it, "But then it isn't after, because we haven't finished the ceremony." He smiled widely at Jensen, and continued grinning at Chad and Danneel, "When do we have sex?" he asked, cheerfully.
Chad spat his drink, "Woah there, cowboy! We haven't been introduced."
"Not you.You're tainted," Jared said, equally cheerfully. "Only my virgin with the golden raindrop skin." He pulled Jensen close and kissed the top of his head.
Jensen beamed smugly.
Danneel grabbed a towel, and spoke firmly, "Okay Mister Rain God, you're delusional. You need to get a warm shower, before you catch your death. Then, you will sleep on the sofa, and there will be no man-touching or fucking like bunnies, because Jensen has been drinking, and you have been slipped goodness knows what. Neither of you are properly introduced, or capable of consent."
Jensen was oddly crushed by the ban, even if he knew Danni was right. God knows, it could be Rohypnol that Jared had been given, and where would that leave Jensen in the morning? He was rather taken with the idea of fucking like bunnies with Jared though. He was so close to the not-a-virgin-anymore finish line, and he didn't think he cared if he had self-respect in the morning, because Jared was scorching hot and cute. He sighed. He hoped Jared would still like him when he was sober, but he was sure he'd run screaming as soon as he realized what a plain nerd Jensen was. His life sucked.
Jared peered worriedly down at Jensen, "I am Jared, son of Padalecki, second Jaguar Deity of the Olmec. Are you going to run away?" he asked.
“Proves my point,” commented Danni, dryly.
"I'm Jensen Ackles, and it's my house," laughed Jensen, "So, of course not. We may order pizza though. What toppings do you like?"
"Pizza?"
"Never mind. We'll order a mixture."
Danni showed Jared the shower, and there was more delight from him. He used every drop of hot water, and wandered naked, and dripping a wet trail, into the kitchen. Chad and Danni screeched, covered their eyes and left the room, while Jensen struggled to provide a towel without taking advantage of the view. Jensen didn't have much experience in these things but honestly; he knew quality when he saw it.
Hmm. You like what you see of your God?"
Jensen nodded dumbly and shoved some soft PJs at Jared. "Yes, but we ought not to share with Danneel and Chad."
Jared posed unselfconsciously, "Worshipers like to see me."
Jensen floundered for an answer, "Well, they... haven't earned it."
"True enough," Jared agreed. He slipped the clothes on. It was still faintly pornographic. The tee-shirt was tight on his chest, and pert nipples showed through.The soft shorts pulled tight over his ass and did little to hide the bulge at his crotch. Jensen itched to touch, but resisted the urge with a dab of cold water on his neck.
Pizza was delivered. They sat on the sofa and watched late night television while they ate. Jared sat next to Jensen, and petted his hair and shoulder while engrossed in the on-off relationship of Rachel and Ross, in Friends. He ate over half the pizza, without even looking at it, much to the chagrin of Chad, and the astonishment of Danneel. When he was done, he burped and rubbed his stomach. "Pizza has my approval," he announced.
"Good." Jensen curled into Jared's side, and laid his head on his chest. Jared was firm and warm, and smelled like summer rain. Jensen wanted to burrow into him, hug him and never let go. He couldn't keep his eyes open.
"Well, I'm turning in." Chad waved goodnight.
Danni lingered. "Jen. You should go to bed."
"M'cozy 'nd m'not tired," Jensen protested. She was right of course, and what she was really saying was, don't be stupid, go to your room, and lock the door, because you have no idea if Jared is an addict or an axe murderer, or if you can control yourself all night.
Jared growled protectively, "I'll make sure he's safe," which clearly did nothing to reassure Danni. She backed away nervously.
"I'll be right there, in my room, next door," She glared at them both, "If there's a problem, you only have to shout."
"Go t'bed, Danni, m'n'adult," Jensen mumbled.
Outside, the rain still fell. It gathered, burst drain covers, and swelled streams. Inside, infomercials played on the TV, while Jensen draped over a virtual stranger and slept like a baby. He dreamed of sunlight after summer rainfall, the babble of brooks, and calm sea with a lazy foam swell.
***
Part 2