For an hour or two he can escape his demons
He left a few minutes ago. Woke up after a two hour nap, just as if nothing at all was wrong. Thanked me for dinner and the tea, kissed me good-bye, and walked out the door.
I know him so well and yet I'll never in a million years understand him. Never know what drives him, what holds him back. Never know how he can love so many and yet hate himself.
He fell asleep on the sofa. I covered him with a blanket and sat on the floor at his side, just looking at him. I love him more than life itself - love him no matter what, but when I watch him sleep...
There is the Gabe I wish would exist always. His face changes. All the pain, disillusionment, cynicism, and fear are gone. The lines fade away, and he looks almost like a little boy lying there, dreaming of nothing. I stroke his cheek and a hint of that lop-sided grin appears.
I've seen him like that when he's awake. Rare, but it does happen. I wish he could be like that more often. Maybe he could if he didn't try so hard to be everything for every body. Maybe if just once he could do it for himself.
He's always accused himself of being selfish - taking what he wanted and to hell with anyone else. That may have been true at some point in his life, but I've never known that side of him. Oh, he gets what he wants, but not at the expense of others. Never. It may look that way, but in the end... no. Not even this situation with Miranda. I'd like to pretend that he dumped me for her, but as I've said before, I lost him long ago. I wonder if I ever really had him. I'll never know for sure.
I hope he makes his decision soon. I thought perhaps he had tonight, but after a few moments he shut right down.
He'll be ready when he's ready, and not before.
I'll do what I can to keep it on a professional level... but like him, I'm terrified of what might happen. I don't want that as much as I do.
God help us to remain strong...
God help us all.
I know him so well and yet I'll never in a million years understand him. Never know what drives him, what holds him back. Never know how he can love so many and yet hate himself.
He fell asleep on the sofa. I covered him with a blanket and sat on the floor at his side, just looking at him. I love him more than life itself - love him no matter what, but when I watch him sleep...
There is the Gabe I wish would exist always. His face changes. All the pain, disillusionment, cynicism, and fear are gone. The lines fade away, and he looks almost like a little boy lying there, dreaming of nothing. I stroke his cheek and a hint of that lop-sided grin appears.
I've seen him like that when he's awake. Rare, but it does happen. I wish he could be like that more often. Maybe he could if he didn't try so hard to be everything for every body. Maybe if just once he could do it for himself.
He's always accused himself of being selfish - taking what he wanted and to hell with anyone else. That may have been true at some point in his life, but I've never known that side of him. Oh, he gets what he wants, but not at the expense of others. Never. It may look that way, but in the end... no. Not even this situation with Miranda. I'd like to pretend that he dumped me for her, but as I've said before, I lost him long ago. I wonder if I ever really had him. I'll never know for sure.
I hope he makes his decision soon. I thought perhaps he had tonight, but after a few moments he shut right down.
He'll be ready when he's ready, and not before.
I'll do what I can to keep it on a professional level... but like him, I'm terrified of what might happen. I don't want that as much as I do.
God help us to remain strong...
God help us all.