you would kill for this.
i am scared. mostly of myself. Cuz i dont know what i am doing. I dont know what I am doing for the future. I dont know what I am doing to other people. I dont know what I am thinking. I dont know what I am doing to myself. I am scared that I will be alone for the rest of forever. Because I am too scared to let anyone remotely close. I've killed myself, literally a million times. And still continue to keep myself in this terrible place. things arent so good with me. I dont know why so many people want to be me. Honestly. I dont look good. I am not pretty. My fashion is normal. Nothing spectacular. My mind is seriously fucked up. Like. SERIOUSLY fucked. I feel like my heart is in my throat, trying to constrict my airways and kill me. And this might be why I am a lonely fuck. Cuz I care WAYY too much for other people. I care WAYYY too much for people who dont care enough about me. This is why i get my "heart broken". Cuz I've trained myself to keep my walls up, and never let anyone in, and when i finally let someone in... its always the WRONG person. And it seems that I always set myself up for failure or heartache. Maybe cuz its all I've ever known? Maybe cuz i dont want to be happy? Maybe I'm just scared, and maybe this is a cry for help. But I've cried a thousand times. I've even screamed. But no one has heard me. No one ever hears me. If so, they listen for 10 mins, then switch it to their problems. Granted, i like helping people. I just wish i wasnt so neglected. I just wish that... i wasnt so nice. I wish i wasnt so helpful. I wish that people didnt want to be me. I wish people would look to me for advice. I wish I wasnt so fake. I wish that I wasnt such a support for people. It would kinda be easier. But... i guess I'd rather have people talk to me about their problems and look for advice from me, rather than be like me.. and be completely self-destructive.
Please excuse my ranting. I know you dont care. I know you never will. Tomorrow I'll act like this never happened. And go on living life, with everything pent up. Its okay. Talk to me. Tell me how YOU are feeling. I'm fine now.