Good grief... good friends.
[copied from my other blog which you may or may not be able to access - I think it's an MSN thing]
Anyone who knows me probably already knows how I'm doing.
My depression has come back. I find it usually happens when I'm stressed out of my skull, and those of you who know me, know I've been somewhat overwhelmed by the shit life is currently throwing at me. Sometimes I can't believe some of the stuff I have to endure (or have endured, for that matter). I can't believe that things that happen to me are not some kind of test, or part of some grand scheme that I hope will all make sense in the end. Sometimes I think I've reincarnated from a being that was really bad, or had all the breaks and didn't appreciate them... or something of the sort - you know, like I'm just paying pennance for my past life. Geez, I must have been a wicked villain or spoiled rich brat.
When it gets this bad, I wish I still had my drugs to stabilize/stone me. They used to make my brain shut up (or at least be less loud). I wish even worse things, but they're not an option (unfortunately), which sometimes just depresses me more. I'm still/always fighting myself and trying to regain some semblance of sanity. I've been sleeping lots though, and I think that helps somewhat... but it's hard without the drugs.
I don't really want to go into detail, because I think I'm on an upswing right now and I like feeling like I'm getting back to "normal." Thank goodness for good friends (again!) - you know who you are. My friends are like my anchors that keep me from getting lost in the sea that is my affected brain.
One friend told me to do what was in my heart... heh, I hadn't thought about what my heart really wanted for a while - shut up, brain! That was some good, simple, sane advice.
Another couple friends cheered me up with a premier pass to a zombie movie (simple escapist pleasures!).
A hairdresser friend of mine gave me a trim and a bunch of compliments. Couldn't help but smile to that.
Other good friends just listened and let me cry, without judgment or acting uncomfortable. Haha, I hate crying, but it can sure help. Plus, when it's this bad, I pretty much have no control over my tear ducts anyway.
My twin is loading my new mp3 player with music. She's totally music, and without her I'd be deaf.
My best friend gave me advil for my migrane, and let me sleep in peace and sweet darkness until my head stopped killing me.
Anyway, I'm still not 100%, and I know this. But I also know I have a decent life, and it only just feels like shit right now. At least that's what I tell myself (haha). I'll get through, as always, because I'm built tougher than I could ever imagine. There has to be a reason for that... right?
~a
PS: oh yeah, and for retail therapy, I got me a new pair of black hi-top chuck taylors.