Sep 19, 2005 21:15
"What month is it? Because it feels like September right now, and I'm not referring to the balmy weather or lack of serious academic responsibilities. Everything about this weekend reminded me of the beginning of Fall semester."
There it is, the beginning of an entry I wrote back in March. I just finished reading it. My not so subtle reference to hooking up with Matt again. The weekend I decided to give him a second chance, give us a second chance rather, a chance at an actual relationship. That was six months ago; six months that both of us determined were not at all wasted but were spent enjoying each others' companionship and having a good time.
Matt and I broke up on Sunday. Nothing happened. There was no big fight. No one huge issue. I can't decide if it would all be easier if he had done something wrong and I could hate him, or that he could hate me, but that's the saddest thing; when both of you just realize that it's not going to work out. While the way it happened and the timing were completely unexpected, I can't say that I had never thought about breaking things off with Matt. I've thought about it quite frequently ever since school has started and we've moved into our new houses up here. I think I always knew that Matt wasn't the person that I would ultimately end up with, but I enjoyed being with him and the thought of breaking up just made me so sad. When we first got back together, there was just such a drastic improvement that I thought we could actually have something more meaningful than just weekend hangouts and good sex, but whatever it was we did have has slowly deteriorated into something that just isn't fun anymore. I wasn't unhappy all of the time; I went back and forth between viewing our relationship as something that wasn't serious, but was fun for the time and could possibly develop into something more, and viewing it as something that served few purposes other than allowing me to get more and more attatched to someone who was never going to be what I wanted. The point is that I thought about it everyday, and he never thought about it at all. He was perfectly content with our "relationship: as it was.
He made many adjustments and tried to make this work, but it's not the things he was or wasn't doing, it's who he is, or rather who he's not. Asking him to do the things I need would be asking him to change who he is, and that's not fair. It's so sad, but it truly is going to be for the best. I really do hope that we still can see each other and hang out like normal; I think that since it was such a mature, equal breakup there's a good chance that can happen. Well, I think I've gone on enough! It's time to watch Laguna Beach with the roomies! A little "research" for my trip to Cali!