(no subject)
So San Francisco was good. This trip is the fourth we've made up in the two years I've been living here and it was a little different. We stayed in a different place than usual and drove a lot more and spent a lot less time on streets-which is all good and bad. It was the first time I did not find myself wanting to move up there. Maybe that's because of things being slightly different than they had been in the past but I think it's mostly connected to actually liking my life in Los Angeles at this point. It was kind of weird to feel less at home in SF than I usually do but still a pretty great weekend. I got to see my friend Whitney way more than I usually do because we stayed with him-I loved it. I miss him a lot.
Dan and I had a discussion last night about a lot of things including how I continue to act like I don't need to do any sort of personal growth towards happiness. I definitely rely a lot on Dan to satisfy me and when he doesn't or can't I take it really personally. Yes, I'm happy in LA but that doesn't mean that there is nothing left to do to make me happier or healthier or shit like that. I do and don't do things that get in the way of having the relationship I want with Dan. I do/don't do things that keep me stuck in this go to work/go home lifestyle that ultimately is not that satisfying. I just feel like an unwhole person if that makes sense. I can see bits and pieces of things that might make me feel more together but I either ignore them or give up if I don't like trying. So I want to be more proactive about my happiness and needs outside of Dan. It's weird to realize that that's basically what I've been doing-look to Dan and our relationship for every need. I don't want to be one of those people-but I am in many ways.
Dan and I had a discussion last night about a lot of things including how I continue to act like I don't need to do any sort of personal growth towards happiness. I definitely rely a lot on Dan to satisfy me and when he doesn't or can't I take it really personally. Yes, I'm happy in LA but that doesn't mean that there is nothing left to do to make me happier or healthier or shit like that. I do and don't do things that get in the way of having the relationship I want with Dan. I do/don't do things that keep me stuck in this go to work/go home lifestyle that ultimately is not that satisfying. I just feel like an unwhole person if that makes sense. I can see bits and pieces of things that might make me feel more together but I either ignore them or give up if I don't like trying. So I want to be more proactive about my happiness and needs outside of Dan. It's weird to realize that that's basically what I've been doing-look to Dan and our relationship for every need. I don't want to be one of those people-but I am in many ways.