mentioning marriage to mom
So I was talking to my mom today trying to find out how my brother is going to propose to his girlfriend tonight. Apparently he's going to pick her up from work in a limo and they're gonna go eat at the restaurant they had their first date in. While they're doing that my sister Bridgette will be at their apartment decorating and setting up candles, flowers, champagne, chocolate and the like. I guess he's gonna pop the question after dinner back at their place. It's all quite traditional but really appeals to me. I definitely have a certain amount of pressure about how I would propose. I guess I'll get a phone call tomorrow with the news.
While I had my mom on the phone and we were talking about marriage and family I decided to push a little and bring up the possibility of me getting married. So I said, "you know mom, I've been thinking about getting married." "Really?" she says. Her tone is not what it's been in the past which is disapproving and hostile...she actually sounded like she was smiling. So I said, "yeah, not next weekend or anything but it's a possiblity. It's a big deal so I'm not rushing it." "It IS a big deal" she says. Then, five seconds later the next thing she says is, "Oh honey, I tried those one serving Crystal Lite things you gave me and they're good but they're so sweet." She proceeds to talk for at least three minutes about how many bottles of water she can get out of just one packet of Crstal Lite and how she woke up with a bad taste in the back of her throat and on and on. Are you kidding me? For the first time ever I'm talking to you about ME getting MARRIED and the third thing you say is about a beverage?! I realized at that point two things, one is that she does that-changes the subject. Before she just wouldn't say anything. A comment or question from me about Dan or Dan and I would get an "mm" or "hm" as a response and I would drop it. Then she got more comfortable I guess and started responding with words like, "really?" or "wow" but the conversations are so short all the time. And they're so short because she always changes the subject. She's not mad so it's less obvious and my mom is pretty flighty anyway so it's not totally weird for her to start talking about something totally unrelated but it's a little more common when I bring up Dan. And marriage? If Catherine told my mom she was thinking about marrying Colin my mom would drop whatever she was doing to talk about it. So I noticed she changes the subject whereas before she would just not respond and I had to change the subject because no one was talking, and, I realized that she doesn't really take me seriuosly. The feeling I got from her was, "oh, that's funny, you and your perverted significant other are gonna get married." She totally brushed me off. And while I'm glad she wasn't explicitly mean about it it still pisses me off. So I emailed her to mention something I forgot (apparently she didn't know you could look for certain kinds of movies on Netflix as opposed to having to know every movie title ever) and decided I would bring it up again. I just said, "hey, mom, I mentioned this earlier but we didn't really talk about so I want to mention it again. I'm thinking about marrying Dan. blahblahblah." I'm not trying to scare her and I'm not super worried about it because it's not an issue right now but I just want her to have the knowledge. Even though I have already explicitly told her that I'm in a serious long term relationship with Dan and I don't see him going anywhere any time soon-in almost those exact words-she doesn't seem to wanna deal with it or believe it. So I just want to put in her head, again, that I am serious about this relationship and at this point the measure of that might be marriage. I just want her to have time to think about it, get used it it, maybe even have a conversation with me about it.
Do other people have this experience? Have you dated someone for almost four years and your parents act like they don't exist? Literally never show interest in your happiness or relationship in general with this person? Because it's weird to me. She doesn't have to love Dan or lie to me about her approval but at least ask questions, you know? "How is Dan?" In the almost four years I've been with Dan she has asked me that once. Is that weird? Is this normal? Because it doesn't seem normal to me. How can someone that I've been with for almost four years, who has spent Christmas with me and my family, who has been around my family on several occasions, who I am living with be so fucking absent from our conversations?! Grrr. I'm so irritated.
While I had my mom on the phone and we were talking about marriage and family I decided to push a little and bring up the possibility of me getting married. So I said, "you know mom, I've been thinking about getting married." "Really?" she says. Her tone is not what it's been in the past which is disapproving and hostile...she actually sounded like she was smiling. So I said, "yeah, not next weekend or anything but it's a possiblity. It's a big deal so I'm not rushing it." "It IS a big deal" she says. Then, five seconds later the next thing she says is, "Oh honey, I tried those one serving Crystal Lite things you gave me and they're good but they're so sweet." She proceeds to talk for at least three minutes about how many bottles of water she can get out of just one packet of Crstal Lite and how she woke up with a bad taste in the back of her throat and on and on. Are you kidding me? For the first time ever I'm talking to you about ME getting MARRIED and the third thing you say is about a beverage?! I realized at that point two things, one is that she does that-changes the subject. Before she just wouldn't say anything. A comment or question from me about Dan or Dan and I would get an "mm" or "hm" as a response and I would drop it. Then she got more comfortable I guess and started responding with words like, "really?" or "wow" but the conversations are so short all the time. And they're so short because she always changes the subject. She's not mad so it's less obvious and my mom is pretty flighty anyway so it's not totally weird for her to start talking about something totally unrelated but it's a little more common when I bring up Dan. And marriage? If Catherine told my mom she was thinking about marrying Colin my mom would drop whatever she was doing to talk about it. So I noticed she changes the subject whereas before she would just not respond and I had to change the subject because no one was talking, and, I realized that she doesn't really take me seriuosly. The feeling I got from her was, "oh, that's funny, you and your perverted significant other are gonna get married." She totally brushed me off. And while I'm glad she wasn't explicitly mean about it it still pisses me off. So I emailed her to mention something I forgot (apparently she didn't know you could look for certain kinds of movies on Netflix as opposed to having to know every movie title ever) and decided I would bring it up again. I just said, "hey, mom, I mentioned this earlier but we didn't really talk about so I want to mention it again. I'm thinking about marrying Dan. blahblahblah." I'm not trying to scare her and I'm not super worried about it because it's not an issue right now but I just want her to have the knowledge. Even though I have already explicitly told her that I'm in a serious long term relationship with Dan and I don't see him going anywhere any time soon-in almost those exact words-she doesn't seem to wanna deal with it or believe it. So I just want to put in her head, again, that I am serious about this relationship and at this point the measure of that might be marriage. I just want her to have time to think about it, get used it it, maybe even have a conversation with me about it.
Do other people have this experience? Have you dated someone for almost four years and your parents act like they don't exist? Literally never show interest in your happiness or relationship in general with this person? Because it's weird to me. She doesn't have to love Dan or lie to me about her approval but at least ask questions, you know? "How is Dan?" In the almost four years I've been with Dan she has asked me that once. Is that weird? Is this normal? Because it doesn't seem normal to me. How can someone that I've been with for almost four years, who has spent Christmas with me and my family, who has been around my family on several occasions, who I am living with be so fucking absent from our conversations?! Grrr. I'm so irritated.