(no subject)
I've been realizing lately how many of my dad's lectures growing up have actually stuck in my head. Dan and I were talking the other night and I suddenly realized that so much of my weirdness around marriage is connected to my dad. Growing up I definitely learned to totally mistrust marriage by looking at theirs and that's really stuck with me. Emotionally I can see how long term relationships can be just as great at the end as at the beginning but my head doesn't buy it. The other thing my dad would always say how we needed to be "financially stable" before marriage. When my sister Marcela got married I remember my dad being all, "See, Walter waited until he was out of school and in a career to propose, he did it the right way" and then getting a very different lecture when Maria married a guy (first husband) who didn't even speak English and had never been to the US and certainly didn't have job prospects when they moved here. I don't actually believe that stuff but I seriously just realized that I have made those feelings my own. What is "financially stable?" Having just enough to pay bills? Enough extra income to save money? Enough money to splurge? What is it? Why do I have to be "financially stable?" So I can spend money? Is it because not having money is stressful and lotsa married folks break up over money isssues? That stuff is resolvable and largely about communication. For my dad it's mostly about the wife being able to stay home once married which means there does have to be a certain kind of financial stability. The other thing is that my dad has this fear of his children being working class. B/c he grew up fairly broke and up until about five years ago my parents were fairly broke he has some idea of his kids being middle class when they grow up. I don't want to live in fear of losing my housing or not being able to feed my kids but other than that I don't care if I'm not middle class. I realize that now but I think my hesitance towards marriage has almost everything to do with seeing marriage as a weird work contract in which a certain amount of money is required. I don't want marriage to be that. It sounds sooooooo cheesy but I really do wanna marry solely for love and public commitment-I don't need "financial stability" for that. And just because my parents are miserable with each other doesn't mean everyone is. Dan's parents are crazy about each other after 20+ years-why can'tI be? I think it's also weird because I constantly feel like I'm 19 and think I'm too young for taking steps towards marriage-but I'm not. I'm almost 26 and lots of folks are settling down at my age. I'm not saying there's an age at which that should happen but just that it's fairly common for 26 year olds to be gettin married so I don't guess I'm actually too young. The other thing that Dan reminded me of the other night was the concept of getting engaged. I definitely forgot that there can be a step between proposal and actual marriage so that there's still a period of getting used to the idea and giving my family (and myself) time to get used to it. Having realized all this has relieved a TON of pressure that I was putting on myself.