Worst book EVER and awesome things that make up for it. Sort of.
So...I'm still alive. Really. I'm in this weird stretch I hit sometimes when the words just stop (usually because there is some plot hole or major issue with a story that I refuse to admit). This is when my reading phase kicks in. I get strangely voracious after not reading much of anything for a long time. I think it's the distraction factor. My brain is subconsciously churning away at whatever writing block I'm pretending doesn't exist, while I read, read, read, read until a solution presents itself, BAM, usually in the middle of something. (Got a lot of half-finished paperbacks abandoned around the house due to this.)
Unfortunately, I am reading stuff so fast that I'm desperate to get my hands on enough stuff. Inevitably this means I get desperate enough to hit the paperback historical romance rack, even though I know this only ends up torturing me. (BUT! I picked up 'Silent in the Grave' on a stupid supermarket whim once! I could discover another Lady Julia Grey to fall madly in love with! Really! Suuuuuuuuuuure.) Needless to say, I did not stumble upon my next great beloved heronine of snark this time. No. This time picking up the first novel with a minimally embarrassing front cover with no half naked people humping on it, I stumbled unknowingly into some of my most HATED elements. Some I had been fooling myself into thinking were only the foibles of young, eager fangirls writing their first grade school fanfic. I don't know why it's so much worse to find them in print. Maybe it's the back section where the author pimps all their other novels and you realize they've written 25 of these hideous things, many of which sat on the best-sellers list at some point and seem to repeat the SAME EQUATION. This particular novel's sins?
Behold, the Magic Penis.
Augh, augh, AUGH! Let me just say this, once and for all: violence against women is not ROMANTIC. And no man's penis, whether it is twelve feet long, gilded in leprechaun gold, and equipped with a stellar G-Spot-Dar or not, will heal this woman through industrious and immediate application. Take this novel's main character, a woman who has been repeatedly sexually abused by a gang of FIVE smelly, nasty, evil men for almost a week straight. Upon being rescued by yet another stranger, she may feel gratitude. She may even take a shine to him (but what wouldn't look appealing after a week of smelly assholes?). But I really, really, really doubt she will beg said hero to have sex with her a mere three days later and achieve the thrill of a triple orgasm. Sure, a woman might want to have sex immediately after abuse. She may wish to 'wash away' the memories. But I think even she would realize this is not necessarily good for her. I mean, I guess it's not even the immediacy of the 'Healing Sex', but the inability to admit that maybe people do stuff for stupid reasons and these actions have consequences. Or that, say, her sudden attachment to this hero might have more to do with the better of two evils and her rather fucked up and vulnerable state? But no, said healing sex and magic penis transport her to TRU LUV and erases everything bad those men did to her as if they never happened. Because violence against women would be so much less romantic if it actually had lasting CONSEQUENCES. It might actually seem real, and honest, and god forbid slightly sad and angry and angsty to actually treat violence against women as something serious rather than a convenient plot to get said magic penis to shed light in the heroine's sadly lacking life. And did I mention that all the other book blurbs in the back of the novel are the same tired equation over and over again? Women traumatized and brutalized by violence and rape and people burning down their barns only to be rescued by a nice guy with a big cock he nicknames 'Old Glory'. Dear lord, the sheer volume of this type of story out there boggles my mind and makes me want to write letters to authors and say, "Do you know what is missing from your life? Fandom." Because in fandom, at least, it always seems like there is one person willing to call you on your shit, or at the very least, meta their hearts out OVER and OVER again in the hopes that maybe someone will read it and buy a clue.
Much less damaging, but no less annoying is another writing sin that drives me up the wall:
When in doubt, more DIALOG!
Dear lord. There is a reason one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to read all my stuff out loud to myself. Sure, you may feel like a freak with your cat staring at you as you orate, but it is so damn helpful. If you can't read it out loud without tripping over something, clearly the prose needs to be cleaned up. ESPECIALLY with dialog. Do you ever read a story that has every character saying every tiny thing that comes into their heads? Or maybe you read three pages of the characters thought process and then they follow by saying exactly what they have spent three pages thinking about, only this time out loud, like we may not have gotten the point. Who talks like that? Who speaks in pages? I mean, I suppose the heroine of this novel could have had the waters of the Delphic Spring flowing from her vagina and contact with it makes the hero suddenly go from recalcitrant and broody to verbose and refusing to shut the fuck up in only a matter of pages. Hey, if a penis can cure what ails ya, maybe a vagina can too.
Ok. I'm done ranting now. Really. And since I feel it's bad karma to dump vitriol out into the world without at least a little squee to balance, here are some things that don't suck and that I quite love:
Any Persuasion fans out there? As much as I love Pride&Prejudice, I think Persuasion may be my favorite Austen book. I think it's the maturity of the characters, the subtlety of their ship, not to mention the drawn out angst of missed chances. (no, I am not predictable in my kinks. Lol.) Anyway, I have just finished Susan Kaye's 'None But You' which is a retelling of Persuasion from the point of view of Captain Wentworth. I haven't read the second half 'For You Alone' yet. (HURRY UP UPS, do you have any idea what I have been reading in the meanwhile?!) But I can comfortably say that the first half alone is enough to make me love and adore it. Great tone, delicate touch, and more Mrs. Croft. What more could you possibly want?
If SJ smut is more to your taste today, make sure you don't miss: Drink That Sun by penknife
Oh, and dsudis continues her awesomeness with the next in her Bechdel Fix-it's for Stargate. Really great Sam piece. Solidarity
Yes, it's always good to remember that for every piece of crap out there, there are some pretty freaking awesome things too.
Unfortunately, I am reading stuff so fast that I'm desperate to get my hands on enough stuff. Inevitably this means I get desperate enough to hit the paperback historical romance rack, even though I know this only ends up torturing me. (BUT! I picked up 'Silent in the Grave' on a stupid supermarket whim once! I could discover another Lady Julia Grey to fall madly in love with! Really! Suuuuuuuuuuure.) Needless to say, I did not stumble upon my next great beloved heronine of snark this time. No. This time picking up the first novel with a minimally embarrassing front cover with no half naked people humping on it, I stumbled unknowingly into some of my most HATED elements. Some I had been fooling myself into thinking were only the foibles of young, eager fangirls writing their first grade school fanfic. I don't know why it's so much worse to find them in print. Maybe it's the back section where the author pimps all their other novels and you realize they've written 25 of these hideous things, many of which sat on the best-sellers list at some point and seem to repeat the SAME EQUATION. This particular novel's sins?
Behold, the Magic Penis.
Augh, augh, AUGH! Let me just say this, once and for all: violence against women is not ROMANTIC. And no man's penis, whether it is twelve feet long, gilded in leprechaun gold, and equipped with a stellar G-Spot-Dar or not, will heal this woman through industrious and immediate application. Take this novel's main character, a woman who has been repeatedly sexually abused by a gang of FIVE smelly, nasty, evil men for almost a week straight. Upon being rescued by yet another stranger, she may feel gratitude. She may even take a shine to him (but what wouldn't look appealing after a week of smelly assholes?). But I really, really, really doubt she will beg said hero to have sex with her a mere three days later and achieve the thrill of a triple orgasm. Sure, a woman might want to have sex immediately after abuse. She may wish to 'wash away' the memories. But I think even she would realize this is not necessarily good for her. I mean, I guess it's not even the immediacy of the 'Healing Sex', but the inability to admit that maybe people do stuff for stupid reasons and these actions have consequences. Or that, say, her sudden attachment to this hero might have more to do with the better of two evils and her rather fucked up and vulnerable state? But no, said healing sex and magic penis transport her to TRU LUV and erases everything bad those men did to her as if they never happened. Because violence against women would be so much less romantic if it actually had lasting CONSEQUENCES. It might actually seem real, and honest, and god forbid slightly sad and angry and angsty to actually treat violence against women as something serious rather than a convenient plot to get said magic penis to shed light in the heroine's sadly lacking life. And did I mention that all the other book blurbs in the back of the novel are the same tired equation over and over again? Women traumatized and brutalized by violence and rape and people burning down their barns only to be rescued by a nice guy with a big cock he nicknames 'Old Glory'. Dear lord, the sheer volume of this type of story out there boggles my mind and makes me want to write letters to authors and say, "Do you know what is missing from your life? Fandom." Because in fandom, at least, it always seems like there is one person willing to call you on your shit, or at the very least, meta their hearts out OVER and OVER again in the hopes that maybe someone will read it and buy a clue.
Much less damaging, but no less annoying is another writing sin that drives me up the wall:
When in doubt, more DIALOG!
Dear lord. There is a reason one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given was to read all my stuff out loud to myself. Sure, you may feel like a freak with your cat staring at you as you orate, but it is so damn helpful. If you can't read it out loud without tripping over something, clearly the prose needs to be cleaned up. ESPECIALLY with dialog. Do you ever read a story that has every character saying every tiny thing that comes into their heads? Or maybe you read three pages of the characters thought process and then they follow by saying exactly what they have spent three pages thinking about, only this time out loud, like we may not have gotten the point. Who talks like that? Who speaks in pages? I mean, I suppose the heroine of this novel could have had the waters of the Delphic Spring flowing from her vagina and contact with it makes the hero suddenly go from recalcitrant and broody to verbose and refusing to shut the fuck up in only a matter of pages. Hey, if a penis can cure what ails ya, maybe a vagina can too.
Ok. I'm done ranting now. Really. And since I feel it's bad karma to dump vitriol out into the world without at least a little squee to balance, here are some things that don't suck and that I quite love:
Any Persuasion fans out there? As much as I love Pride&Prejudice, I think Persuasion may be my favorite Austen book. I think it's the maturity of the characters, the subtlety of their ship, not to mention the drawn out angst of missed chances. (no, I am not predictable in my kinks. Lol.) Anyway, I have just finished Susan Kaye's 'None But You' which is a retelling of Persuasion from the point of view of Captain Wentworth. I haven't read the second half 'For You Alone' yet. (HURRY UP UPS, do you have any idea what I have been reading in the meanwhile?!) But I can comfortably say that the first half alone is enough to make me love and adore it. Great tone, delicate touch, and more Mrs. Croft. What more could you possibly want?
If SJ smut is more to your taste today, make sure you don't miss: Drink That Sun by penknife
Oh, and dsudis continues her awesomeness with the next in her Bechdel Fix-it's for Stargate. Really great Sam piece. Solidarity
Yes, it's always good to remember that for every piece of crap out there, there are some pretty freaking awesome things too.