Week One: Birds of a Feather
Call of the WildTonight the Wolf Moon will rise above the plains. The pull on my litter mates and me will be undeniable. It will also be deeply spiritual. This year will change everything. As a new adult, tonight I will be allowed to choose between a life with my pack or a life in the human world. A world that I want to join so badly I can taste
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Okay, here the segment bracketed by commas would actually be better in parenthesis.
[He spends enough time studying, sharing little, and becoming the smartest of us.]
The second comma isn’t really needed here. Commas aren’t required every time “and” is in a sentence, and in this case the and is serving to join two clauses together.
[Peoria picks up the thread of conversation from her twin, “Daddy says that Taos and Wabash are coming tonight!”]
This needs to be on its own line since it’s an entirely new character speaking.
[Taos and Wabash are five and six years older. They live near the border in Kansas.]
In this paragraph, there’s some more of that short sentence clumping, which reads a little stilted. Combining these two will fix that nicely.
[My ability to walk as a wolf will also be taken. The pack will leave me in heavy winter clothing, with some money, but no ID at the nearest hospital.]
I really, REALLY like this idea that they have to choose. It sort of plays off the Amish rumspringer (or however it’s spelled), and I like that a lot. I also love how you’re NOT downplaying such a difficult decision. It makes it relatable to the reader as well as emotional.
[I say as much out loud, omitting any hint that this our last shared conversation.]
It should be “… this is our last…”
[When we get to the clearing, I can see many faces I know including Wabash and Taos.]
A comma is needed before “including”.
[“Father, I wish to choose the same as Kiowa.” A gasp. This has never happened before.
“Kiowa, how do you choose?”
My heart catches. I look at Nokomis one more time and make my final decision.]
Holy CRAP! This is a phenomenal cliffhanger! I mean … wow. If I hadn’t abused the exclamation points already, this entire comment would be riddled with them. PLEASE tell me there’s more of this?
Overall Impressions:
To be quite blunt, this was MUCH better than I’d anticipated. I thought it was going to be another of those stiff, overly formal narrative, werewolf stories. Instead, you delivered something that’s emotionally connective, entertaining, intriguing, and definitely unique. I am EXTREMELY interested in where this is going and what happens to Kiowa and Niwot. You’ve really set the ground work to build this into something incredibly, and I truly hope you do so.
My only real critiques were minor things, mainly in punctuation and structure. Some of the stylistic comments (such as the archaic narrative patterns) are more a personal thing, so if you’re happy with it then by all means keep going. A couple of good resources for checking grammar usage, particularly with commas and interjections (using parenthesis and hyphens to insert a comment into the sentence), are the Literary Library articles on brigits_flame and Grammar Girl. I actually reference both places frequently when writing, and they are VERY helpful.
Other than that, this was brilliant. I’ll poke back during week two to see if more of this is forthcoming… or stalk your journal if that proves fruitless. Take care, and great work!
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I know you're assigned these things, but thank you so much for the detailed edit. 'Tis much appreciated. Of course, some of the things pointed out are, as you say, stylistic, and I'm sort of a style adventurista. (Also, I like to make up words!) Still, I'll keep all the suggestions/corrections in mind when re-writing. Especially the ones where I missed words entirely in my hurry to write the damn thing, and then still managed to miss while editing at 4AM. ;)
RUMSPRINGA!! Wow. That's a great comparison. I love when people find things in your writing that you hadn't meant but once spoken make so much sense. Also, I'm grateful for your bluntness. It's always fun when people say they expected one thing and end up having their expectations turned on their heads in a good way. It's what I live for!
I'll keep the suspense to a minimum and say that I won't be writing more of this for Week 2. Nothing springs to mind that would fit the topic/theme. However, never say never to seeing Kiowa and Niwot again.
Thanks again for the Red Pen of D00m. LOL
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