NaNo 2011 Characters
As promised, here's my character sheet for NaNoWriMo! :D
My NaNo this year is a sort of a humor intrigue character-driven pile of nonsense based on the current US political landscape, primarily the race for the Republican nomination for the 2012 election, and the world of the media covering that election. I know. I know. I promise, it's so much better than that sounds. So for my international readers, I apologize in advance in case you're just hopelessly confused by all of this. I'm gonna include links to Wikipedia and videos (some of which, regrettably, will be blocked for some countries, the UK among them) in case you feel motivated to learn a little more (a lot of the humor comes from jokes about events in the campaign), and if you want, feel free to ask me questions. I can't promise I'll know the answer, but I'll do my best. As for my American readers, if you're hopelessly confused and have no idea who any of these people are, read a damn internet. One of these whackjobs could become our President, so I don't really think it would kill you to spend a few minutes scanning Yahoo News. Look, the Wikipedia links are RIGHT. THERE. How much easier could it get?
My characters' names are pretty obvious takes on their real-life counterparts (e.g. Glove Randall would be Mitt Romney), but characterization isn't necessarily gonna be the same. They're definitely based on the real person, though, so for example Herbert Kane has a thing for black walnut ice cream, or Steven Colbert is a Catholic.
For each character I'll include their name, the name of the person they're blatantly based on (or the information that they're a complete OC), a description, (in some cases) a list of the key words I'm keeping in mind when I write that character, and, for those who have made actual appearances, as opposed to being mentioned, an excerpt so you can see that character in action. The descriptions are my notes that I've been making as the story progresses, so I apologize if they're a little confusing.
GLOVE RANDALL (Mitt Romney)
Derpy, loves hot chocolate, marshmallows, bunny slippers; likes John Hunterton as Morman BFF, thinks Carl has his best interests in mind, has been drugging opponents -> opponents making gaffes. Watches Jon's and Steven's shows, but finds most of the humor in boner jokes or in his own cleverness. Has gotten himself into some pretty deep shit of late. key words: DERPY, INNOCENT, POWER-HUNGRY, OBLIVIOUS, TRUSTING, RUTHLESS.
On the television, Stewberry seemed to be doing his best impression of Glove. "That's right, motherffffudgers!" Stewberry was saying, to great applause and laughter. Glove frowned. Why was it so funny to Stewberry that he was a man of God, and refused to curse? After all, voters didn't like a politician who cursed, did they? He was running for office for Pete's sake!
HERBERT KANE (Herman Cain)
Loves black walnut ice cream, judgey on LGBTQ, thinks everything is about his race, wants to win American Idol, was drugged by Glove via pizza-> dumbass remarks like "don't blame wall street, blame yourself", the 9-9-9 tax plan, Mexican bug zapper wall, "small bills", etc. Currently in the hospital making eyes at Dr. Doochy due to collapsing in his office-- nobody's quite sure why. key words: VICTIM COMPLEX (race), COMPLACENT, JUSTIFYING, JOVIAL, SLIPPERY.
He absently scanned the headlines. Huh. Apparently that queer girl was eliminated from that one dancing show with the not-celebrities. Good. Herbert didn't hold with that sort of nonsense. Herbert put down the newspaper and lost himself in a fantasy about going on that singing show with the douchey British guy. He would, of course, win by a landslide-- much like he would in this election. He wondered when it would be best to sing "Imagine" (the pizza version, of course). For his audition? Or maybe that would be the final song with which he would serenade the nation after they voted him number one singer in the United Stated of America. And then, of course, they would elect him President in a heartbeat. They would already know him! Was there time to get on the show before the election? Could a sitting President be a contestant on one of those shows? Herbert made a mental note to ask his policy adviser later.
JOHN HUNTERTON (Jon Hunstman)
Old friends with Glove, clear only sane man character in the Republican field (maybe commiserates with Ron Paul expy on the issue later?), Morman, has a daughter named Becky in college, a wife named Alice with a sculptor sister. Really good, loving relationship with Alice. Loves Becky's Lhasa Apso/Shi Tzu dog, Mister Fluffer. NO GAY FOR THIS CHARACTER. Just a plain, vanilla heterosexual marriage being decent and loving, in the midst of all this nonsense. Is a fiscal conservative (but not to the batshit insane extent of some of the others; likes the EPA, for example, and thinks tax loopholes are probably a bit of a problem), is pretty moderate on social issues. Respects LGBTQ people, wants to support gay marriage, but having grown up in a religious, traditional family, is still a little uncomfortable with this. (Play it as a man who honestly does want to do the right thing, and who knows that bigotry is wrong, but that's just one of the personal prejudices that he struggles with.) Has appeared on the Colbert Rapport, isn't getting a whole lot of attention in the race, knows he probably won't win, but he's bothered by all the extremism he's seeing out there, wants to get a saner, more moderate point of view into the discussion. Currently letting Glove get away with apparent attempted murder due to old friendship, feels terrible about it. key words: DECENT, NORMAL, LOVING, REALISTIC, RESIGNED, BLAND.
"Have... have you been... I can't believe I'm about to ask this. Have you been drugging your opponents?"
"...well yeah."
"...what?!"
"What? You didn't really think Parry sounded that stupid on his-- okay, wait, actually, that's a terrible example. But you didn't think Ka-- wait, wait, never mind, that's a bad example too."
"Glove, why would you do that?" Glove wondered why John's voice sounded all muffled. It sounded like his hand was over his face or something.
"Well it wasn't like I was going to win the race on my own."
"...you haven't drugged me, have you?"
"You haven't been polling high enough for that, silly."
"I honestly don't know whether I should be offended, relieved, or calling the cops."
JON STEWBERRY (Jon Stewart) (The Show Which Airs Daily with Jon Stewberry; Moment of Zed)
Married to Tracy, has children. Was once propositioned by Steven (waaaay back, like 1999 or 2000), freaked out; Steven's a good friend, but that's always been an issue between them. Recently got drunk, kissed Steven, feels like a piece of shit. key words: JADED OPTIMISM, CYNICAL, MILD DEPRESSION, SNARK, SMART, DESIRE TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, EXASPERATION.
"Hey," Steven said softly. "Long week?"
"You don't even know," Jon said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "You?"
Steven shrugged. "It's been worse," he said mildly. A smile was tugging at his lips, and Jon suspected he was about to be made to enjoy himself. Being the curmudgeonly old man he jokingly thought of himself as, Jon resented unwanted fun.
"You're about to drag me out for fun, aren't you?" he said, already knowing that it was a lost cause. He'd only ever managed to say no to Steven once, and he doubted he'd ever manage again.
STEVEN COLBERT (out of character!Stephen Colbert) (The Colbert Rapport)
Married to Eve, loves her a great deal, but once tried to get with Jon, Jon freaked, still a sore point. Steven still has a bit of awkward attraction to Jon, but their friendship is important to him, and he's gotten used to the fact that it won't happen, so it's just an embarrassing little incident in his life, kind of. Has a picture perfect life, and maybe doesn't like that fact, for reasons he can't identify. Catholic faith is important to him, in a sweet, innocent "no matter what, God will watch over us" sort of way that's weathered hardships-- not blind, un-thought out faith. But it's tempered by humanism and the fact that the world isn't all Catholic, and he's just fine with that. Jon kissed him and feels terrible about it, but there's a tiny terrible part of Steven that's happy it happened, in spite of how terrible he feels for the pain it caused his wife. key words: KINDNESS, LOVE, DECENT, CARING, SMART, SOFT-SPOKEN, IMPULSIVE, FAITH.
Jon put the movie into the DVD player with a snort. "I don't think I've ever watched a shitty movie under the assumption that it would make sense, Steven," he said, flopping down across just over half of the couch.
Steven pointedly moved Jon's feet back across the halfway line as he sat down. "I don't know, Jon," he said, opening the pizza box and offering it to his friend. "I can't help but think that your love for shitty movies is just another expression of the fact that under that cynical exterior, you're just a big hearted teddy bear that wants to believe the best of everything."
Jon snorted. "Yeah, that's definitely what's going on."
RICK PARRY (Rick Perry)
Was drugged by Glove via cupcake -> drunkish speech. Has an eternally patient campaign staffer he's pretty sure is named Molly (actually Morgan) who puts up with him constantly suggesting he take weekend trips to his hunting camp, beautiful little place really, name of N-- okay, she just interrupted him. A little simple, in a well-intentioned, drawling Texas kind of way. Can do three accents really well: Texas, Australia, and... and... uh... oops.
"I used to be able to do a bit of an Australian accent, though. Let's try it out again. Crikey! Crikey! See, I'm a little bit rusty, but I think there's still promise."
"Sir--"
"Know who I miss? That crocodile hunter fellow. Whatever happened to him?"
"Steve Irwin, sir? He died. But--"
"Oh, really? Well that's a shame," Rick said, frowning. "I bet it was one of them crocodiles, huh? Probably hunted one that was too big."
"No sir, it was a sting ray, but--"
"Funny, that, isn't it? He was called the crocodile hunter, but he never did any real hunting, did he? I used to do some real hunting. Wish I had time to do more, but I've been so busy lately. Have I ever told you about my family's hunting camp? Beautiful little place, name of N--"
"Yes sir," the staffer fairly shouted. "You've told me so much about it, I don't think you need to say any more."
MICHELLE BACKMEN (Michele Bachmann)
Was drugged by Glove via corndog. Hasn't really appeared yet other than a mention. Will probably be known for crazy eyes.
BARRACK OBAMAYAN (Barack Obama)
Current POTUS. Has only been mentioned.
CARL LOAF (Karl Rove)
Talked Glove into drugging opponents, is threatening Sarah's brother to keep her silence. May be the mastermind behind all of this, but there seems to be something darker going on. Also known for resembling a ham loaf.
"Well... remember when Dick Cheney went on that hunting trip with Dick Whittington?"
"The... the quail hunt? The face shooting guy?"
"Do you really think the Vice President was just that bad a shot?"
Sarah gasped. "Wait, what-- what do you mean? What was it, then?"
"Whittington was getting some ideas, that's all. He was beginning to think that maybe he would get out of the game, blow a couple whistles, tell the American public the truth about Dick Cheney. So, we reminded him what would happen if he did that."
"That was on purpose?"
"How in the world did you think we managed to get him to apologize to Cheney?"
BRYAN WILHELMS (Brian Williams)
Host of NBC Eveningly News. A favorite guest of Jon Stewberry; they might hang out.
JOHN MCCANE (John McCain)
Old man McCane! Lives in John Hunterton's neighborhood as the resident cool old man. Has a bad knee, loves his garden, does charity walks. Is letting his niece, Sarah Pallon, stay with him. John's always been closer to Sarah's brother Timmy, but he figures family is family. When John Hunterton is involved in the scene, is known as Mr. McCane. (Obviously based on pre-2008 election McCain.)
"Evening, John!" John smiled as he saw that old Mr. McCane was out. He was another night owl like John, and often tended to his garden at night-- a habit, he once told John, that he picked up back when he lived in Arizona, under the boiling summer sun.
"Evening, sir," John said, coming closer. "The garden is looking beautiful, as always. How have you been?"
"Oh, you know me," Mr. McCane said with a laugh. "One thing or another is usually hurting these days, especially with the damp, but I can't really complain. After all, it isn't like I have work to get to in the morning any more, is it? So if I wake up sore, I can just stay in bed a bit longer."
SARAH PALLON (Sarah Palin)
John McCane's niece, staying with him for a conference of some kind that may or may not actually exist. Concocted a plan with Carl Loaf to manipulate Glove Randall into drugging his opponents in the race for the Republican nomination for the President, but has been realizing lately that she's in way over her head. She's threatening to betray Carl if she gets investigated for Herbert Kane's hospitalization, but Carl's responding by threatening her brother. Sarah's been estranged from Timmy for some time because he's bisexual and she's biphobic (as well as homophobic), but even though she tries to deny it, she still cares about him.
"--I don't doubt that, Steve. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, if you're just joining us, Herbert Kane has been found unconscious in his office. There are rumors that this may have been some sort of assault, but those rumors are as yet unconfirmed by the authorities. Witnesses have reported seeing an ambulance and several police cars summoned to the building, and Mr. Kane appeared to still be unconscious as he was carried out of the building on a stretcher. We'll have updates as they become available. Kane, of course, known as the former CEO of Godmother's Pizza and a recent front-runner in the race for the Republican nomination for president, has been plagued recently by allegations--"
Sarah stared at the television, mug of tea forgotten in her hand. This wasn't part of the plan.
TIMMY PALLON (Jimmy Fallon) (Late at Night with Timmy Pallon)
Sarah Pallon's little brother and John McCane's nephew. He never really fit in with his rich, conservative family, and when he came out as bisexual at age seventeen, he went from staying with his uncle during the summer to staying with his uncle rather than live on the streets. He's become a successful comedian with a late night TV show, and has no idea he's being threatened by Carl Loaf. Knows Steven Colbert and Jon Stewberry fairly well from award shows and interviews, and has done a couple crossover segments with Colbert.
DENIS CLEARY (Denis Leary)
One of Jon Stewberry's oldest friends, who was there when their careers were just taking off. A fellow comedian who used to room with Jon, back when getting drunk usually led to the two of them fooling around. Jon knows he can always turn up at Denis' door when he needs a friend, even if Denis has the social skills of a broken paper clip.
“I fucked up, man,” Jon said, slumping onto Denis' couch. Denis Cleary had been one of Jon's best friends for more than twenty years, and the loudmouthed redhead was used to Jon suddenly showing up at his house whenever he had a crisis.
“Well, I mean, he is Steven Colbert,” Denis said, bringing Jon a glass of water and some Tylenol. “I can't say I wouldn't kiss him if I got the chance. Hell, I'd do more than that.” Seeing Jon's glare, he stopped talking. “Of course, I could be wrong,” he said contritely, sitting down next to Jon.
DR. JAMES DOOCHY ~ brother of STEVE DOOCHY (Steve Doocy) of FRIENDS OF FOX (Fox & Friends)
Doctor taking care of Herbert Kane after he's admitted to the hospital. Herbert's a little smitten, unbeknownst to and in spite of himself, and Doochy may or may not reciprocate. Ridiculously nice guy who looks a lot like his famous brother.
"Calm down, Mr. Kane," Dr. Doochy said. "Whatever happened, we'll figure it out. For now, I need you to try to breath evenly." Herbert made an enormous effort, and managed to calm down a bit. "Thank you," Doochy said. He looked incredibly familiar, now that Herbert thought about it, with a fussy looking face and smooth, pale reddish blonde hair.
"Are you..." Herbert started, still having trouble sorting out his thoughts. The doctor smiled.
"I have a brother on television. His name is Steve?" Herbert nodded. Of course! The host from Friends of Fox! "Everyone thinks I look a bit familiar, but no one has ever figured it out," Doochy went on with a little smile.
ANGELA (original)
The nurse taking care of Herbert Kane. About 40, very motherly and no-nonsense.
MORGAN (original)
Eternally patient campaign staffer on Rick Parry's campaign. Feels like she owes it to this poor, stupid man to try to save as much of his dignity as she can. Running gag: he can't remember her name, but he knows it starts with an M.
My NaNo this year is a sort of a humor intrigue character-driven pile of nonsense based on the current US political landscape, primarily the race for the Republican nomination for the 2012 election, and the world of the media covering that election. I know. I know. I promise, it's so much better than that sounds. So for my international readers, I apologize in advance in case you're just hopelessly confused by all of this. I'm gonna include links to Wikipedia and videos (some of which, regrettably, will be blocked for some countries, the UK among them) in case you feel motivated to learn a little more (a lot of the humor comes from jokes about events in the campaign), and if you want, feel free to ask me questions. I can't promise I'll know the answer, but I'll do my best. As for my American readers, if you're hopelessly confused and have no idea who any of these people are, read a damn internet. One of these whackjobs could become our President, so I don't really think it would kill you to spend a few minutes scanning Yahoo News. Look, the Wikipedia links are RIGHT. THERE. How much easier could it get?
My characters' names are pretty obvious takes on their real-life counterparts (e.g. Glove Randall would be Mitt Romney), but characterization isn't necessarily gonna be the same. They're definitely based on the real person, though, so for example Herbert Kane has a thing for black walnut ice cream, or Steven Colbert is a Catholic.
For each character I'll include their name, the name of the person they're blatantly based on (or the information that they're a complete OC), a description, (in some cases) a list of the key words I'm keeping in mind when I write that character, and, for those who have made actual appearances, as opposed to being mentioned, an excerpt so you can see that character in action. The descriptions are my notes that I've been making as the story progresses, so I apologize if they're a little confusing.
GLOVE RANDALL (Mitt Romney)
Derpy, loves hot chocolate, marshmallows, bunny slippers; likes John Hunterton as Morman BFF, thinks Carl has his best interests in mind, has been drugging opponents -> opponents making gaffes. Watches Jon's and Steven's shows, but finds most of the humor in boner jokes or in his own cleverness. Has gotten himself into some pretty deep shit of late. key words: DERPY, INNOCENT, POWER-HUNGRY, OBLIVIOUS, TRUSTING, RUTHLESS.
On the television, Stewberry seemed to be doing his best impression of Glove. "That's right, motherffffudgers!" Stewberry was saying, to great applause and laughter. Glove frowned. Why was it so funny to Stewberry that he was a man of God, and refused to curse? After all, voters didn't like a politician who cursed, did they? He was running for office for Pete's sake!
HERBERT KANE (Herman Cain)
Loves black walnut ice cream, judgey on LGBTQ, thinks everything is about his race, wants to win American Idol, was drugged by Glove via pizza-> dumbass remarks like "don't blame wall street, blame yourself", the 9-9-9 tax plan, Mexican bug zapper wall, "small bills", etc. Currently in the hospital making eyes at Dr. Doochy due to collapsing in his office-- nobody's quite sure why. key words: VICTIM COMPLEX (race), COMPLACENT, JUSTIFYING, JOVIAL, SLIPPERY.
He absently scanned the headlines. Huh. Apparently that queer girl was eliminated from that one dancing show with the not-celebrities. Good. Herbert didn't hold with that sort of nonsense. Herbert put down the newspaper and lost himself in a fantasy about going on that singing show with the douchey British guy. He would, of course, win by a landslide-- much like he would in this election. He wondered when it would be best to sing "Imagine" (the pizza version, of course). For his audition? Or maybe that would be the final song with which he would serenade the nation after they voted him number one singer in the United Stated of America. And then, of course, they would elect him President in a heartbeat. They would already know him! Was there time to get on the show before the election? Could a sitting President be a contestant on one of those shows? Herbert made a mental note to ask his policy adviser later.
JOHN HUNTERTON (Jon Hunstman)
Old friends with Glove, clear only sane man character in the Republican field (maybe commiserates with Ron Paul expy on the issue later?), Morman, has a daughter named Becky in college, a wife named Alice with a sculptor sister. Really good, loving relationship with Alice. Loves Becky's Lhasa Apso/Shi Tzu dog, Mister Fluffer. NO GAY FOR THIS CHARACTER. Just a plain, vanilla heterosexual marriage being decent and loving, in the midst of all this nonsense. Is a fiscal conservative (but not to the batshit insane extent of some of the others; likes the EPA, for example, and thinks tax loopholes are probably a bit of a problem), is pretty moderate on social issues. Respects LGBTQ people, wants to support gay marriage, but having grown up in a religious, traditional family, is still a little uncomfortable with this. (Play it as a man who honestly does want to do the right thing, and who knows that bigotry is wrong, but that's just one of the personal prejudices that he struggles with.) Has appeared on the Colbert Rapport, isn't getting a whole lot of attention in the race, knows he probably won't win, but he's bothered by all the extremism he's seeing out there, wants to get a saner, more moderate point of view into the discussion. Currently letting Glove get away with apparent attempted murder due to old friendship, feels terrible about it. key words: DECENT, NORMAL, LOVING, REALISTIC, RESIGNED, BLAND.
"Have... have you been... I can't believe I'm about to ask this. Have you been drugging your opponents?"
"...well yeah."
"...what?!"
"What? You didn't really think Parry sounded that stupid on his-- okay, wait, actually, that's a terrible example. But you didn't think Ka-- wait, wait, never mind, that's a bad example too."
"Glove, why would you do that?" Glove wondered why John's voice sounded all muffled. It sounded like his hand was over his face or something.
"Well it wasn't like I was going to win the race on my own."
"...you haven't drugged me, have you?"
"You haven't been polling high enough for that, silly."
"I honestly don't know whether I should be offended, relieved, or calling the cops."
JON STEWBERRY (Jon Stewart) (The Show Which Airs Daily with Jon Stewberry; Moment of Zed)
Married to Tracy, has children. Was once propositioned by Steven (waaaay back, like 1999 or 2000), freaked out; Steven's a good friend, but that's always been an issue between them. Recently got drunk, kissed Steven, feels like a piece of shit. key words: JADED OPTIMISM, CYNICAL, MILD DEPRESSION, SNARK, SMART, DESIRE TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE, EXASPERATION.
"Hey," Steven said softly. "Long week?"
"You don't even know," Jon said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "You?"
Steven shrugged. "It's been worse," he said mildly. A smile was tugging at his lips, and Jon suspected he was about to be made to enjoy himself. Being the curmudgeonly old man he jokingly thought of himself as, Jon resented unwanted fun.
"You're about to drag me out for fun, aren't you?" he said, already knowing that it was a lost cause. He'd only ever managed to say no to Steven once, and he doubted he'd ever manage again.
STEVEN COLBERT (out of character!Stephen Colbert) (The Colbert Rapport)
Married to Eve, loves her a great deal, but once tried to get with Jon, Jon freaked, still a sore point. Steven still has a bit of awkward attraction to Jon, but their friendship is important to him, and he's gotten used to the fact that it won't happen, so it's just an embarrassing little incident in his life, kind of. Has a picture perfect life, and maybe doesn't like that fact, for reasons he can't identify. Catholic faith is important to him, in a sweet, innocent "no matter what, God will watch over us" sort of way that's weathered hardships-- not blind, un-thought out faith. But it's tempered by humanism and the fact that the world isn't all Catholic, and he's just fine with that. Jon kissed him and feels terrible about it, but there's a tiny terrible part of Steven that's happy it happened, in spite of how terrible he feels for the pain it caused his wife. key words: KINDNESS, LOVE, DECENT, CARING, SMART, SOFT-SPOKEN, IMPULSIVE, FAITH.
Jon put the movie into the DVD player with a snort. "I don't think I've ever watched a shitty movie under the assumption that it would make sense, Steven," he said, flopping down across just over half of the couch.
Steven pointedly moved Jon's feet back across the halfway line as he sat down. "I don't know, Jon," he said, opening the pizza box and offering it to his friend. "I can't help but think that your love for shitty movies is just another expression of the fact that under that cynical exterior, you're just a big hearted teddy bear that wants to believe the best of everything."
Jon snorted. "Yeah, that's definitely what's going on."
RICK PARRY (Rick Perry)
Was drugged by Glove via cupcake -> drunkish speech. Has an eternally patient campaign staffer he's pretty sure is named Molly (actually Morgan) who puts up with him constantly suggesting he take weekend trips to his hunting camp, beautiful little place really, name of N-- okay, she just interrupted him. A little simple, in a well-intentioned, drawling Texas kind of way. Can do three accents really well: Texas, Australia, and... and... uh... oops.
"I used to be able to do a bit of an Australian accent, though. Let's try it out again. Crikey! Crikey! See, I'm a little bit rusty, but I think there's still promise."
"Sir--"
"Know who I miss? That crocodile hunter fellow. Whatever happened to him?"
"Steve Irwin, sir? He died. But--"
"Oh, really? Well that's a shame," Rick said, frowning. "I bet it was one of them crocodiles, huh? Probably hunted one that was too big."
"No sir, it was a sting ray, but--"
"Funny, that, isn't it? He was called the crocodile hunter, but he never did any real hunting, did he? I used to do some real hunting. Wish I had time to do more, but I've been so busy lately. Have I ever told you about my family's hunting camp? Beautiful little place, name of N--"
"Yes sir," the staffer fairly shouted. "You've told me so much about it, I don't think you need to say any more."
MICHELLE BACKMEN (Michele Bachmann)
Was drugged by Glove via corndog. Hasn't really appeared yet other than a mention. Will probably be known for crazy eyes.
BARRACK OBAMAYAN (Barack Obama)
Current POTUS. Has only been mentioned.
CARL LOAF (Karl Rove)
Talked Glove into drugging opponents, is threatening Sarah's brother to keep her silence. May be the mastermind behind all of this, but there seems to be something darker going on. Also known for resembling a ham loaf.
"Well... remember when Dick Cheney went on that hunting trip with Dick Whittington?"
"The... the quail hunt? The face shooting guy?"
"Do you really think the Vice President was just that bad a shot?"
Sarah gasped. "Wait, what-- what do you mean? What was it, then?"
"Whittington was getting some ideas, that's all. He was beginning to think that maybe he would get out of the game, blow a couple whistles, tell the American public the truth about Dick Cheney. So, we reminded him what would happen if he did that."
"That was on purpose?"
"How in the world did you think we managed to get him to apologize to Cheney?"
BRYAN WILHELMS (Brian Williams)
Host of NBC Eveningly News. A favorite guest of Jon Stewberry; they might hang out.
JOHN MCCANE (John McCain)
Old man McCane! Lives in John Hunterton's neighborhood as the resident cool old man. Has a bad knee, loves his garden, does charity walks. Is letting his niece, Sarah Pallon, stay with him. John's always been closer to Sarah's brother Timmy, but he figures family is family. When John Hunterton is involved in the scene, is known as Mr. McCane. (Obviously based on pre-2008 election McCain.)
"Evening, John!" John smiled as he saw that old Mr. McCane was out. He was another night owl like John, and often tended to his garden at night-- a habit, he once told John, that he picked up back when he lived in Arizona, under the boiling summer sun.
"Evening, sir," John said, coming closer. "The garden is looking beautiful, as always. How have you been?"
"Oh, you know me," Mr. McCane said with a laugh. "One thing or another is usually hurting these days, especially with the damp, but I can't really complain. After all, it isn't like I have work to get to in the morning any more, is it? So if I wake up sore, I can just stay in bed a bit longer."
SARAH PALLON (Sarah Palin)
John McCane's niece, staying with him for a conference of some kind that may or may not actually exist. Concocted a plan with Carl Loaf to manipulate Glove Randall into drugging his opponents in the race for the Republican nomination for the President, but has been realizing lately that she's in way over her head. She's threatening to betray Carl if she gets investigated for Herbert Kane's hospitalization, but Carl's responding by threatening her brother. Sarah's been estranged from Timmy for some time because he's bisexual and she's biphobic (as well as homophobic), but even though she tries to deny it, she still cares about him.
"--I don't doubt that, Steve. Ladies and gentlemen, once again, if you're just joining us, Herbert Kane has been found unconscious in his office. There are rumors that this may have been some sort of assault, but those rumors are as yet unconfirmed by the authorities. Witnesses have reported seeing an ambulance and several police cars summoned to the building, and Mr. Kane appeared to still be unconscious as he was carried out of the building on a stretcher. We'll have updates as they become available. Kane, of course, known as the former CEO of Godmother's Pizza and a recent front-runner in the race for the Republican nomination for president, has been plagued recently by allegations--"
Sarah stared at the television, mug of tea forgotten in her hand. This wasn't part of the plan.
TIMMY PALLON (Jimmy Fallon) (Late at Night with Timmy Pallon)
Sarah Pallon's little brother and John McCane's nephew. He never really fit in with his rich, conservative family, and when he came out as bisexual at age seventeen, he went from staying with his uncle during the summer to staying with his uncle rather than live on the streets. He's become a successful comedian with a late night TV show, and has no idea he's being threatened by Carl Loaf. Knows Steven Colbert and Jon Stewberry fairly well from award shows and interviews, and has done a couple crossover segments with Colbert.
DENIS CLEARY (Denis Leary)
One of Jon Stewberry's oldest friends, who was there when their careers were just taking off. A fellow comedian who used to room with Jon, back when getting drunk usually led to the two of them fooling around. Jon knows he can always turn up at Denis' door when he needs a friend, even if Denis has the social skills of a broken paper clip.
“I fucked up, man,” Jon said, slumping onto Denis' couch. Denis Cleary had been one of Jon's best friends for more than twenty years, and the loudmouthed redhead was used to Jon suddenly showing up at his house whenever he had a crisis.
“Well, I mean, he is Steven Colbert,” Denis said, bringing Jon a glass of water and some Tylenol. “I can't say I wouldn't kiss him if I got the chance. Hell, I'd do more than that.” Seeing Jon's glare, he stopped talking. “Of course, I could be wrong,” he said contritely, sitting down next to Jon.
DR. JAMES DOOCHY ~ brother of STEVE DOOCHY (Steve Doocy) of FRIENDS OF FOX (Fox & Friends)
Doctor taking care of Herbert Kane after he's admitted to the hospital. Herbert's a little smitten, unbeknownst to and in spite of himself, and Doochy may or may not reciprocate. Ridiculously nice guy who looks a lot like his famous brother.
"Calm down, Mr. Kane," Dr. Doochy said. "Whatever happened, we'll figure it out. For now, I need you to try to breath evenly." Herbert made an enormous effort, and managed to calm down a bit. "Thank you," Doochy said. He looked incredibly familiar, now that Herbert thought about it, with a fussy looking face and smooth, pale reddish blonde hair.
"Are you..." Herbert started, still having trouble sorting out his thoughts. The doctor smiled.
"I have a brother on television. His name is Steve?" Herbert nodded. Of course! The host from Friends of Fox! "Everyone thinks I look a bit familiar, but no one has ever figured it out," Doochy went on with a little smile.
ANGELA (original)
The nurse taking care of Herbert Kane. About 40, very motherly and no-nonsense.
MORGAN (original)
Eternally patient campaign staffer on Rick Parry's campaign. Feels like she owes it to this poor, stupid man to try to save as much of his dignity as she can. Running gag: he can't remember her name, but he knows it starts with an M.