Can't sleep
Well, here it is, at 12:07am. I can't sleep. I have to drive 12 hours to Lexington...at 3am. This is not good. But there's a reason. I can't sleep because I have all these thoughts running through my head at 100mph, and if I don't get them out, I'll never sleep again.
I found out the hard way that the world is full of real pain. I used to be able to trick myself into thinking that life was like a movie...although uncomfortable at times, still satisfying. Life is not like that...at all. It is maddening, painful, and hard. Very hard.
It means falling asleep every night because you're exhausted from the heaving, gut-wrenching sobs. It means not eating for 3 days straight, and lying in your bed, but not being able to sleep because the thoughts in your head keep tumbling around and around like a washing machine full of muddy clothes. It means fighting the urge to vomit everytime you see or hear something that reminds you of that person...and those times come often. It means self-loathing...the thought that you have given so much time and energy to someone who doesn't understand how you feel disgusts you. It makes that person feel like an emotional migraine, forcing you to stay out of the sunlight and cease contact with the outside world, even if it's just for a few days.
But you can get past it.
When you can finally stifle the screams in your head and the sobs in your throat; when you can watch your favourite movie without feeling sick; when you can answer your phone and hear the voice of another human being without feeling lonely...and when you can finally put into words what you're feeling, be it on paper, or to the ears of a friend. When the searing, stabbing pain in your gut softens to a dull ache, you've started moving on.
I'm finally able to go to sleep just because I'm tired (with the exception of tonight). And that makes me feel like I've accomplished something. It may sound trivial, but it makes me feel better. I don't feel so small and so horribly alone. I can breathe again. And it makes me feel better.
Well, that's all for now. I'm actually quite tired now...guess the venting takes a lot out of you. Going to bed now, and I'm on my way to see some of the greatest people in this world: the people that know who I really am, and still love me, despite all my faults. I don't know where I'd be without my friends, and I know how lucky I am to have them..and I love them all.