I'm sorry
I cant take this anymore
Parents:
My parents split when i was younger which was hard enough, and the way the split didnt help. Then the moving and going into adolescence didnt help. The fighting didnt help and neither did the rough remarriages. I dont blame any step parents, i give them their dues considering the shit they walked into. But all the changes while trying to live a normal life didnt help. The odd relationship me and my siblings had didnt help. We werent fucked up or damaged, nothing terrible happened, but people thinking that we are those things didnt help. None of it helped and all of it made us stronger people in the end. I'm not really complaining, but i wish that at some point things could of been worked out between mom and dad. Not that i wish they got back together, i see now that the fact that they were together is amazing, i just wish they could of found some happy medium where they could at least be civil to each other. I wish I could celebrate a birthday with all four parents in the same place and not fighting or wishing they could be somewhere private to talk about the other couple. I wish there was no more fighting and backstabbing and arguing over who needs to talk to who first. I'm tired of hearing things like "we'll i'll control myself but i cant speak for her/him" and "I dont talk shit about your father/mother but ...." . i'm just sick of it. I get put in between this all the time and i'm done. i'm tired of keeping my mouth shut so i dont somehow bring more chaos by having something misconstrued. I dont hate anyone and i dont honestly dislike anyone. I just am tired of the fighting and hearing how someone is angry at some one else. i want to be happy and in love and working my ass off to be more sucessful and i want my family to be honestly happy with it and to support me because its what i want, not because by supporting me it means that the other side will be pissed or that it means they're making it seem like they're reaching out and trying to be supportive even if they hate it.Sometimes i feel like i'm a tool to be used to hurt the other person and nothing more. its hard and it hurts. i'm tired of being used and put in the middle of things. You're all adults, if you have something to say to the other person then call them and say it quit calling me about it and making me the go between.It hurts and everyone ends up mad at me and i end up looking like an emo child to the people i care about because i'm upset and cant understand why mom and dad cant get along. You're divorced, you have kids so you have to interact.....why make that unpleasant on purpose?? if both sides just stopped and listened and tried to HONESTLY compromise things would be ok. i just want to lock them in the same room and let them fight it out until whatever emotion is being hidden is out and they can get over it. I want my life back i want my family back with the new members included. i want to call and actually enjoy a conversation.
Myself:
I wish I felt pretty and worth a damn. I know i am and i know that i work my ass off and that i'm not fat or ugly, i know i'm smart and funny and sweet. I know i'm caring and a good person. I just wish i FELT that way all the time. I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and not feel like a failure and that i'll never be the girl of his dreams and not long to be able to just once take his breath away. Dont get me wrong i know that he loves me and that i am attractive to him, he's never told or gave me the impression that i wasnt. I'm treated like a princess. But i just wish that i didnt feel that way all the time. I wish i could wear a nice dress and not feel like a tall gangly flat chested bottom heavy oaf. I wish that i could feel sexy and not awkward. I know this is stupid and i know i should shut up.i know it looks like i'm just trying to get attention and that i'll probably have people be super aware of what they say about my apperance now that i've written this. i know....but this blog is for me. I wish i was more talented and that i could convey my feelings and i wish my dreams were amazing and that i was interesting. I wish i was captivating, just once i'd like to be called that by someone who truly means it.
My life:
i'm working on it. thats all i can say
Love:
I'm happy that i can finally love again whole heartedly. I still love Charlie. I always will but at the same time i know its over and its best that it is. i'm SO thankful for Kyle and i couldnt ask for a better person in my life. He's amazing and him not even knowing it makes it even better. Hes got a heart a million miles wide and a great head on his shoulders. He can make me smile no matter what and just being near him can make me calm down. he's the eye of the store. His love is always enough for me and sometimes when i'm overwhelmed and cant take it and just ready to call it quits i just put my head in my hands and close my eyes and think of him and i'm ok. He pulls me back and keeps me sane when the rest of the world is crashing around me and he doesnt even know it. I love him more than anything.
I need to write more and i need to sing more.. i need more sunlight and more walks. i need more art i need more beach i need more. More life. I want peace, i want more understanding and tolerance.
i love my family and i'd die for them. i love my friends and i'd die for them. i love my boyfriend and i'd die for him. Their love is more than enough for me and i wish they knew how much i love them. i wish i could be everything for them and i wish i could be everything they want me to be, but im not, im me. It's been a long time since i liked ME, but im working on it and thats all i can do is try.
6:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Parents:
My parents split when i was younger which was hard enough, and the way the split didnt help. Then the moving and going into adolescence didnt help. The fighting didnt help and neither did the rough remarriages. I dont blame any step parents, i give them their dues considering the shit they walked into. But all the changes while trying to live a normal life didnt help. The odd relationship me and my siblings had didnt help. We werent fucked up or damaged, nothing terrible happened, but people thinking that we are those things didnt help. None of it helped and all of it made us stronger people in the end. I'm not really complaining, but i wish that at some point things could of been worked out between mom and dad. Not that i wish they got back together, i see now that the fact that they were together is amazing, i just wish they could of found some happy medium where they could at least be civil to each other. I wish I could celebrate a birthday with all four parents in the same place and not fighting or wishing they could be somewhere private to talk about the other couple. I wish there was no more fighting and backstabbing and arguing over who needs to talk to who first. I'm tired of hearing things like "we'll i'll control myself but i cant speak for her/him" and "I dont talk shit about your father/mother but ...." . i'm just sick of it. I get put in between this all the time and i'm done. i'm tired of keeping my mouth shut so i dont somehow bring more chaos by having something misconstrued. I dont hate anyone and i dont honestly dislike anyone. I just am tired of the fighting and hearing how someone is angry at some one else. i want to be happy and in love and working my ass off to be more sucessful and i want my family to be honestly happy with it and to support me because its what i want, not because by supporting me it means that the other side will be pissed or that it means they're making it seem like they're reaching out and trying to be supportive even if they hate it.Sometimes i feel like i'm a tool to be used to hurt the other person and nothing more. its hard and it hurts. i'm tired of being used and put in the middle of things. You're all adults, if you have something to say to the other person then call them and say it quit calling me about it and making me the go between.It hurts and everyone ends up mad at me and i end up looking like an emo child to the people i care about because i'm upset and cant understand why mom and dad cant get along. You're divorced, you have kids so you have to interact.....why make that unpleasant on purpose?? if both sides just stopped and listened and tried to HONESTLY compromise things would be ok. i just want to lock them in the same room and let them fight it out until whatever emotion is being hidden is out and they can get over it. I want my life back i want my family back with the new members included. i want to call and actually enjoy a conversation.
Myself:
I wish I felt pretty and worth a damn. I know i am and i know that i work my ass off and that i'm not fat or ugly, i know i'm smart and funny and sweet. I know i'm caring and a good person. I just wish i FELT that way all the time. I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and not feel like a failure and that i'll never be the girl of his dreams and not long to be able to just once take his breath away. Dont get me wrong i know that he loves me and that i am attractive to him, he's never told or gave me the impression that i wasnt. I'm treated like a princess. But i just wish that i didnt feel that way all the time. I wish i could wear a nice dress and not feel like a tall gangly flat chested bottom heavy oaf. I wish that i could feel sexy and not awkward. I know this is stupid and i know i should shut up.i know it looks like i'm just trying to get attention and that i'll probably have people be super aware of what they say about my apperance now that i've written this. i know....but this blog is for me. I wish i was more talented and that i could convey my feelings and i wish my dreams were amazing and that i was interesting. I wish i was captivating, just once i'd like to be called that by someone who truly means it.
My life:
i'm working on it. thats all i can say
Love:
I'm happy that i can finally love again whole heartedly. I still love Charlie. I always will but at the same time i know its over and its best that it is. i'm SO thankful for Kyle and i couldnt ask for a better person in my life. He's amazing and him not even knowing it makes it even better. Hes got a heart a million miles wide and a great head on his shoulders. He can make me smile no matter what and just being near him can make me calm down. he's the eye of the store. His love is always enough for me and sometimes when i'm overwhelmed and cant take it and just ready to call it quits i just put my head in my hands and close my eyes and think of him and i'm ok. He pulls me back and keeps me sane when the rest of the world is crashing around me and he doesnt even know it. I love him more than anything.
I need to write more and i need to sing more.. i need more sunlight and more walks. i need more art i need more beach i need more. More life. I want peace, i want more understanding and tolerance.
i love my family and i'd die for them. i love my friends and i'd die for them. i love my boyfriend and i'd die for him. Their love is more than enough for me and i wish they knew how much i love them. i wish i could be everything for them and i wish i could be everything they want me to be, but im not, im me. It's been a long time since i liked ME, but im working on it and thats all i can do is try.
6:49 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove