sometimes its nice to just drop off the face of the earth.....
Thats just what i did. I just left i slept a lot and i just turned off the cell phone and just relaxed. i did some drawing and writing and even took a nice hot bath.All in all i did nothing physically exciting. Mentally though i started doing what i had done in Atlanta but havent done here in sometime due to lack of time. I talked to myself and to nature. I went for a walk. I got my headset and just walked. I have a cd of just soft noise and i went down to the river and meditated and just stared at the water until hours had gone by and it was almost dark. Sometimes i think thats all I need. To just go somewhere and just "be". I dont really owe anyone anything. I've spread myself so thin that relationships are strained and i'm exhausted and i just want to disappear. Everyone keeps pushing me for my time (except jenny, we've always had that understanding) and for my support and work that i've had no time for myself. I'd been meaning to go get my eyebrows done for about a month now and i just got them done today, thats how its been. i came home to find that mal had not recieved my two weeks notice email so thats gonna be something I WILL SOLVE on thursday. no one else needs to handle it or ask me about it. I'll do it just leave it alone. And thats not me snapping at anyone. Its just i'm 21 and i can handle my own affairs thankyou. Emails sometimes go missing theres nothing anyone can do about it. Anyway I've come to the conclusion that i need to stop dwelling in the past. Hear me out. I know its obvious but its never easy to simply abandon something you had so much effort put into. But in the end there comes a point when your unhappiness is your own fault. I'm not going to get Charlie back and honestly neither of us are the same people anyway. so it would be like two strangers getting together. At this point in time there are things i dont like about him and things he probably doesnt like about me. Either way it doesnt matter. I've moved on and so has he. Its over theres nothing else binding us and i've been stupid trying to find a connection. If i see him out and about at the club i just have to remember he taught me a lot about myself and life just like i taught him a lot. we've thanked each other and theres no point going through the motions of civility if we both know neither of us is looking for something in it eitherway. As for all my other ex's I'm over you just as you are over me. I dont see the point in dweeling on things or bringing up "what if" scenarios anymore. one way or another we're done. WE've had our time and we failed in the end. It was no ones fault simply its not meant to be. I'd like to remain friends but please know ALL OF YOU that there is no getting back together with me.
Jamie and Brian I need to talk to you as well.
I have no obligations to anyone and they have none to me. Thats the way life is and i cant keep thinking that I owe people for their kindness to me. They did it to be kind not to gain something from it. If they did do it to gain something from it then I'm sorry but i've been bought before now and it has to stop. I will not be bought anymore. I'm human and if you honestly think you can buy someone than i'm glad you'll no longer be in my circle of friends. i've bent and swayed to everyone in my life for sometime now trying to make everything work out fine and not cause waves and all it does is bring more drama into my life. I'm sick of it. I'm to the point and beyond it that i need to take charge of my own life as much as possible.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets thrown away in the spring cleaning i'm doing to my life right now but honestly I think something horrible would happen if you stayed.
Jenny i seriously hope you and sam work out. Even as friends. I think you'd make a good match. As much as i rag on sam you know i've always told the truth about him. I've never said he was stupid or untalented. He's one of the smartest and most talented person i know. he has vision and the drive to make something of himself. he's a natural leader and in those qualities alone i understand why you'd like him. so if he's really what you're pursuing even as just friends i support you no matter what anyone else says. Just rememeber that no matter what i've got your back.
Jamie relax. they dont pay you enough to runn yourself into health problems. the job isnt that important and you could find another one easy. You simply to need to pluck up the courage and make the time to do so. Also friends are for talking to not ordering about. remember that i think you forget sometimes. Not everything can/needs to be fixed right away. sometimes people just need to be mad or upset and rant to someone so they can figure it out. as for brian dont worry. when it happens it happens until then dont stress over it. besides look at it this way. you're freaking out over a ring that then signifies more stress you'll have to plan the perfect day that after that day you'll be doing the same thing you've been doing even before the ring. so just relax. in the end it will be exactly the same you and brian as before. no big deal.
Josh i love you and i wish you well in life. i like being friends and we can never go back. i know that hurts but those feelings were from me then not who i am now. we've become strangers to each other just like me and charlie have. i love having you in my life and knowing that you're ok but we arent the same peole and the people we've become arent compatiable. i love you and cherish you as a friend but nothing more.
Jon, what you said about Jenny was wrong and you know it. Such an immature move like that is what started turning me away from you in the first place. You got really needy and clingy and even after i told you i couldnt give you the time you so depsarately craved. You're a good guy and will someday make some girl happy but it wont ever be me. you made me happy for a while but it was just a short while. you're not strong enough to handle someone like me and you're not able to do whats right for yourself when it comes to me. I told you i could break men if they werent strong enough. you're a good guy but i cannot tolerate someone blaming my friends and calling them names when they've done nothing wrong. what you did to jen and then trying to use charlie to lure me inside the club was wrong. Some girls may let it slide but i cant tolerate it.
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Jamie and Brian I need to talk to you as well.
I have no obligations to anyone and they have none to me. Thats the way life is and i cant keep thinking that I owe people for their kindness to me. They did it to be kind not to gain something from it. If they did do it to gain something from it then I'm sorry but i've been bought before now and it has to stop. I will not be bought anymore. I'm human and if you honestly think you can buy someone than i'm glad you'll no longer be in my circle of friends. i've bent and swayed to everyone in my life for sometime now trying to make everything work out fine and not cause waves and all it does is bring more drama into my life. I'm sick of it. I'm to the point and beyond it that i need to take charge of my own life as much as possible.
I'm sorry to anyone who gets thrown away in the spring cleaning i'm doing to my life right now but honestly I think something horrible would happen if you stayed.
Jenny i seriously hope you and sam work out. Even as friends. I think you'd make a good match. As much as i rag on sam you know i've always told the truth about him. I've never said he was stupid or untalented. He's one of the smartest and most talented person i know. he has vision and the drive to make something of himself. he's a natural leader and in those qualities alone i understand why you'd like him. so if he's really what you're pursuing even as just friends i support you no matter what anyone else says. Just rememeber that no matter what i've got your back.
Jamie relax. they dont pay you enough to runn yourself into health problems. the job isnt that important and you could find another one easy. You simply to need to pluck up the courage and make the time to do so. Also friends are for talking to not ordering about. remember that i think you forget sometimes. Not everything can/needs to be fixed right away. sometimes people just need to be mad or upset and rant to someone so they can figure it out. as for brian dont worry. when it happens it happens until then dont stress over it. besides look at it this way. you're freaking out over a ring that then signifies more stress you'll have to plan the perfect day that after that day you'll be doing the same thing you've been doing even before the ring. so just relax. in the end it will be exactly the same you and brian as before. no big deal.
Josh i love you and i wish you well in life. i like being friends and we can never go back. i know that hurts but those feelings were from me then not who i am now. we've become strangers to each other just like me and charlie have. i love having you in my life and knowing that you're ok but we arent the same peole and the people we've become arent compatiable. i love you and cherish you as a friend but nothing more.
Jon, what you said about Jenny was wrong and you know it. Such an immature move like that is what started turning me away from you in the first place. You got really needy and clingy and even after i told you i couldnt give you the time you so depsarately craved. You're a good guy and will someday make some girl happy but it wont ever be me. you made me happy for a while but it was just a short while. you're not strong enough to handle someone like me and you're not able to do whats right for yourself when it comes to me. I told you i could break men if they werent strong enough. you're a good guy but i cannot tolerate someone blaming my friends and calling them names when they've done nothing wrong. what you did to jen and then trying to use charlie to lure me inside the club was wrong. Some girls may let it slide but i cant tolerate it.
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