12 July 2017
Well, I am a fuck up.....
Went out with this guy for a few dates and turns out that I really liked him, but found out that he wasn't interested in me... In my last ditch effort to see if he did have any sort interest in me I texted him that I figured out that he wasn't interested in me and it was a good think because I am "trouble"......... *sighhhhhhh* The stupidity, I only said that because "guys love TROUBLE" haha... It was really dumb, later that day I texted him back apologizing and said he was a great guy and I didn't really flirt with him, but in the end his mind was made up and wished him luck in his search of what he was looking for..... But it gets worse. About four days later I texted him again (which would be today) and offered benefits until one of us found what we were looking for, because I knew it could be anywhere between 3 to 12 months since I would have sex again........ I keep diggin myself into a deeper hole, worst part is that he saw the messages and never replied to any, but he hasn't blocked me. And honestly, I think the only reason why he choose not to block me is because I am a good laugh to him and his friends.
Since that first text I sent, I harrassed my ex to call me because I was so upset and frusterated about how guys are not interested, yet make minimal effort, enough to keep me intrigued with them, thus wasting my time. I was pretty mean to my ex because I was still hurt by his past behaviour and I was generally pissed off. It got to the point where I threaten him if he did not call me, and even though I didn't want to act out the threat, I prepared for it, because I do not want him to think I make empty threats. He did enventually call me and I apologized for being mean to him, and told him I'll do my best to be nice to him, and also told him that I was about to deflate his car tires. He was not surprised, but was surprised that I haven't done that to him in the past, which in all honesty have thought about doing multiple times.
Update about my health:
I do feel better..... up to a point. Only maybe one day a week I feel well enough to do things, but I get incredibly tired and sometimes get a headache. My work days are completely fine, until I take a break and I can feel my exhaustion and head catch up to me, but once I start working again it goes away... That being said when I am done with my shift, I am way too tired. I work three days in a row and pretty much only sleep all day the following two days after. The last two weeks were really bad. Had really bad night terrors, puked, my head was swollen and hurt to touch like a bruise, working was too much gfor my body, and just wasn't physcially myself. I think my medication had stopped working. I tried to explain this to my mom, but she told me that I should see a therapist, because I told her my fustrations financially because of my sickness and I felt it would be easier if I was dead. I got really pissed at her because she kept asking me why I was saying that I was sick, EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER ALL OF MY SYMPTOMS and how the medication wasn't working. It is like seriously? I get this shit when I do talk to therapists and doctors, they keep asking me the same questions I have already answered. I seriously cannot handle that they and my mother cannot comprehend what I am telling them. My head hurts and my head feels swollen sometimes-I feel sick, I can't seem to be fully better after a long year and I am always financially stressed because of it- at this point death is an option for me. I honestly am in no point where I feel I should kill myself, but I am seriously struggling and I am convinced that my sister ruined my life, and I don't know how to deal with it. The world can't wait for me, and I respect that. What I cannot tolerate is that I am still sick today from my injury a year ago and I get very little help. My mother offered to help my financially, but when I did ask for money, she made me feel like I was a burden to her, and I barely even asked for money for that reason. And she throws at me how I never talk to her, so she doesn't know what is going on.... Like seriously?!?!?!? When I did try to tell her, she could not even grasp what I was saying and it got me to start yelling at her and getting pissed that she told me to see a therapist. I told her I do not want to waste my time or money to talk to someone, who will then tell me the route of my problems, because I already know the route of my issues: I am fucking sick, am financially struggling, and I feel like I am not getting better.
Update about my goals:
I have been pondering on and off about starting my own grooming business. It is a big risk financially, but the potiential to make more money have control is great. I've never done something like this before so it is very scary to me. But everyday I feel a little more motivated to do it, slowly preparing for it and getting research for it. Hopefully I can stay focus on it and don't let my fear to drive me away from it. I also want to do dog grooming competitions, and groom cats, I think I can have a lot of fun doing it, and I like challenges. But I do really want to be better health wise, and I do worry that I might get a seizure and won't be able to work at all, which is very upsetting to me. Dispite being upset at not feeling well, my mother, and my sister, I do try my best to focus on my goals and do rest when I need to. My dog, Tyablt is starting to learn sheep herding which I enjoy a lot, and hope to do a lot more in the summer.
I will do my best to post more, I do feel better ranting, and writing does help me a bit with proper grammar, even though I probably have a lot of errors in my posts.