(no subject)
I'm a bit too engulf in speculations and fantasies of the future to form coherent thoughts. Not now, but just lately. Can it really be that wrong to get such a fulfilling high off of leaving circumstances up to chance? As of Sunday, I’ll be back to it and home free.
Shady’s duck addiction finally got her kicked out of the apartment and the first night we spent on the pipeline gave me something that had been at my finger tips this whole time, but for some reason it still takes the influence of others to get me to take that first step. I won’t function like that forever.
An incredible light display that evening. I felt a warmth I hadn’t felt in a while that made me sleep like a baby. Something about sitting a breaths’ length away from my commpadres, circled together around the open face of the tent enthralled with aw over each flash made me feel a very extremely giddy. Then again maybe it maybe it was the tree top canopy above me or, even more reasonable, the space bag that was frequently suspended over my face. Either way I got 11 hours of sleep that night. I guess much needed, I’ve been waking up around 8 or 9 in the apartment even on the latest, most drunk evenings.
It kind of bothers me that Matt and I didn’t finish the log dock over our swimming hole, but I’m well ready to leave Austin with it unfinished. It’ll be something to get back to if I decide to go back to school. Damn that decision’s going to be hounding me hard. I hope I can escape it eventually and at least temporarily hold complete peace of mind. My parents are so cool for bearing with me, I know I really put a strain on my mother’s blood pressure….I guess I really need to find the proper balance in pleasing them and doing what I feel is right to myself….difficult to determine that middle ground….
Here comes the bad, the only negativity that’s been eating at me, my only complaint of my current life position:
My brother just moved to the Air Force Base in Abilene, which is three hours from Austin. He didn’t come see me. Being that I haven’t seen him since December I was telling my mother I wanted to see him. She tells me he can’t be associated with my type very much due to his new military rank. And my type, straight out of my mother’s mouth: a terrorist…..?!?!?!?!......I won’t get into that conversation that followed that accusation. Let’s just say after the tense part was over it ended with me in baffled chuckles, because there was just no way my brother could feel that way.
Well, next conversation with my big bro I bring up the convictions of my mother and her predictions of our future relationship. Taking the “can you believe approach” I was immediately shot down. My brother confirms that during briefings Rainbow was a definite topic, and any individual in attendance at there gatherings is a terrorist. Here’s that part where I explain the hypocrisy I see in gatherings, how I don’t see many more in my future, how they’re changing nothing except trampling the best parts of the country we have left, ect. But still, becaue I have attended he, by his job’s regulations, should have limited association with me.
Here’s the best part and the closing of our conversation:
He informs me that ANY person, ANY AT ALL that believe 9/11 was an inside job, is a terrorist and he can not, BY HIS JOBS regulations, cannot associate with these persons….
So, from now on my brother and I’s interactions will be limited to family functions and gatherings. I just never saw him giving in that hardcore. I love him, and spending time with him. I don’t know how to take this and all I can really do is tear up over it. Ah, fuck him if he wants to live like that. Friendship and family should go hand in hand and he definitely is now lacking on the friendship side now. I have better family members outside of my bloodline.
But anyway, I can’t get myself too engulfed in thinking about it, not worth the emotional stain, it won’t change anything.
Time for cleaning, and moving and closing the chapter that has been Austin.
This city’s been good to me. Equal share of ups and downs. Perfect measurements, the doses of down have been just as heavy as the ups have been high and I couldn’t ask for more.
Nothing of the future is really definite but the tentative calls for school buses, freight trains, and the north west.
Shady’s duck addiction finally got her kicked out of the apartment and the first night we spent on the pipeline gave me something that had been at my finger tips this whole time, but for some reason it still takes the influence of others to get me to take that first step. I won’t function like that forever.
An incredible light display that evening. I felt a warmth I hadn’t felt in a while that made me sleep like a baby. Something about sitting a breaths’ length away from my commpadres, circled together around the open face of the tent enthralled with aw over each flash made me feel a very extremely giddy. Then again maybe it maybe it was the tree top canopy above me or, even more reasonable, the space bag that was frequently suspended over my face. Either way I got 11 hours of sleep that night. I guess much needed, I’ve been waking up around 8 or 9 in the apartment even on the latest, most drunk evenings.
It kind of bothers me that Matt and I didn’t finish the log dock over our swimming hole, but I’m well ready to leave Austin with it unfinished. It’ll be something to get back to if I decide to go back to school. Damn that decision’s going to be hounding me hard. I hope I can escape it eventually and at least temporarily hold complete peace of mind. My parents are so cool for bearing with me, I know I really put a strain on my mother’s blood pressure….I guess I really need to find the proper balance in pleasing them and doing what I feel is right to myself….difficult to determine that middle ground….
Here comes the bad, the only negativity that’s been eating at me, my only complaint of my current life position:
My brother just moved to the Air Force Base in Abilene, which is three hours from Austin. He didn’t come see me. Being that I haven’t seen him since December I was telling my mother I wanted to see him. She tells me he can’t be associated with my type very much due to his new military rank. And my type, straight out of my mother’s mouth: a terrorist…..?!?!?!?!......I won’t get into that conversation that followed that accusation. Let’s just say after the tense part was over it ended with me in baffled chuckles, because there was just no way my brother could feel that way.
Well, next conversation with my big bro I bring up the convictions of my mother and her predictions of our future relationship. Taking the “can you believe approach” I was immediately shot down. My brother confirms that during briefings Rainbow was a definite topic, and any individual in attendance at there gatherings is a terrorist. Here’s that part where I explain the hypocrisy I see in gatherings, how I don’t see many more in my future, how they’re changing nothing except trampling the best parts of the country we have left, ect. But still, becaue I have attended he, by his job’s regulations, should have limited association with me.
Here’s the best part and the closing of our conversation:
He informs me that ANY person, ANY AT ALL that believe 9/11 was an inside job, is a terrorist and he can not, BY HIS JOBS regulations, cannot associate with these persons….
So, from now on my brother and I’s interactions will be limited to family functions and gatherings. I just never saw him giving in that hardcore. I love him, and spending time with him. I don’t know how to take this and all I can really do is tear up over it. Ah, fuck him if he wants to live like that. Friendship and family should go hand in hand and he definitely is now lacking on the friendship side now. I have better family members outside of my bloodline.
But anyway, I can’t get myself too engulfed in thinking about it, not worth the emotional stain, it won’t change anything.
Time for cleaning, and moving and closing the chapter that has been Austin.
This city’s been good to me. Equal share of ups and downs. Perfect measurements, the doses of down have been just as heavy as the ups have been high and I couldn’t ask for more.
Nothing of the future is really definite but the tentative calls for school buses, freight trains, and the north west.