why my boyfriend is so awesome.
Perhaps just to break the tradition of never posting ultra personal things on your lj--I just wanted to write about how my boyfriend is so darn fantastic. If anything, this ode is right to precede what is probably going to evolved into my "here I am in scotland" chronicle, because it is for the sake of scotland that I'm about to abandon him for a year. So before I forget his awesomeness, before this blog becomes engulfed with "me-me-me and new people I meet", I just wanted to write a sweet note reminding everyone that I'm a pretty happy girl and contrary to my last voyage I am not going away to scope out a different male gene pool. I guess I left that last thought hanging from last time, why I went away. Well, it was on one hand the girlish enterprise of finding oneself to be desirable, but it was even more so the boyish enterprise of proving oneself. But now I kind of know that I can survive, in new places, being thrown in the deep end. That I can deal with life on my own. And even more importantly I can deal with the fact of being deeply alone. Of course my conviction of that latter bit has faded. Feeling your aloneness dark like ink clouding your happiness is not something I feel brave enough to face again....though I suspect I won't really have to, what with university life living in residence of all things. But scarier is the fact that I find myself to have isolationist tendencies---which is an internal situation of aloneness that follows you like those rainclouds in cartoons. Engulfing you. So, the time I had with Jon was such a huge releif from that.
But the real reason Jon's so awesome is because he came to see me this weekend when I had been expecting to not see him for another year. He's working as a wilderness guide and I thought that was it, when he left. Having him show up out of nowhere was simply magical. It was like a realization of a hazy barely-beleivable daydream, the type where I imagine him being there with me in my home. Not saying anything, not doing anything, just being there with his lovely presence. And then all of a sudden he's really there.
It probably isn't just me that feels sometimes like beautiful moments are wasted because you're the only one to experience them. It makes me sad, saddest of all to be here alone this summer when Ottawa is actually lovely, warm and green, when I have time, when there are possibilities, when you're free to roam the city by bike and just let life happen. Life happens but it could just as well not have happened because you've had it alone. I think it's the same with drinking, you drink so that you're more alive and relaxed, but if you're alone, there is no one to be alive and relaxed with and it's all just wasted. Similarily with life and its fun moments. To think of how much joy and life I've wasted on my own is really pathetic. There are too many things that I find myself experiencing on my own. I think there is nothing sadder, being alone in those fantastic moments. Sadder than being alone in the hard times--it is hard, but not sad. In hard moments I prefer to be alone--go out to some cold, desolate island beaten by ocean air, like the Aran Islands...
My boyfriend is fantastic because we can just be together and share moments and it's comfy. It feels like he belongs in my house when he stays there. What can I say? Having him come back for a weekend after running away to the wilds of northern ontario--it was like christmas. Jon delivered tied up with a bow. Somehow everything fell into place this weekend. There were these magical thundershowers interrupted by unrelentingly bright sun. There was mist in the evening drifting around us and rain dripping off the leaves. There were torrential rains that were so warm we simply splashed our way through them. There was lots of teasing, lots of stories; there was us in the little secret hidaway places I've always gone to alone, in those summers which were one long heat wave in which I'd be alone for long long days, days which would bring me to the lakes and woods in this little city. They are places which one discovers in order to someday take someone else to.
I think we managed to stradle the spectrum of being romantic, of being just comfy and quiet together, and of acting like wild crazy monkeys. Jon's not the type of guy to ever inflate his emotions. In fact he constantly downplays himself. So seeing him be happy and sweet, even in those fleeting moments, is very rewarding because you know that it's true. Jon's awesome because he's there, and when he's there he's real, and he's there deeply enough that I just simply cease to feel alone.
But the real reason Jon's so awesome is because he came to see me this weekend when I had been expecting to not see him for another year. He's working as a wilderness guide and I thought that was it, when he left. Having him show up out of nowhere was simply magical. It was like a realization of a hazy barely-beleivable daydream, the type where I imagine him being there with me in my home. Not saying anything, not doing anything, just being there with his lovely presence. And then all of a sudden he's really there.
It probably isn't just me that feels sometimes like beautiful moments are wasted because you're the only one to experience them. It makes me sad, saddest of all to be here alone this summer when Ottawa is actually lovely, warm and green, when I have time, when there are possibilities, when you're free to roam the city by bike and just let life happen. Life happens but it could just as well not have happened because you've had it alone. I think it's the same with drinking, you drink so that you're more alive and relaxed, but if you're alone, there is no one to be alive and relaxed with and it's all just wasted. Similarily with life and its fun moments. To think of how much joy and life I've wasted on my own is really pathetic. There are too many things that I find myself experiencing on my own. I think there is nothing sadder, being alone in those fantastic moments. Sadder than being alone in the hard times--it is hard, but not sad. In hard moments I prefer to be alone--go out to some cold, desolate island beaten by ocean air, like the Aran Islands...
My boyfriend is fantastic because we can just be together and share moments and it's comfy. It feels like he belongs in my house when he stays there. What can I say? Having him come back for a weekend after running away to the wilds of northern ontario--it was like christmas. Jon delivered tied up with a bow. Somehow everything fell into place this weekend. There were these magical thundershowers interrupted by unrelentingly bright sun. There was mist in the evening drifting around us and rain dripping off the leaves. There were torrential rains that were so warm we simply splashed our way through them. There was lots of teasing, lots of stories; there was us in the little secret hidaway places I've always gone to alone, in those summers which were one long heat wave in which I'd be alone for long long days, days which would bring me to the lakes and woods in this little city. They are places which one discovers in order to someday take someone else to.
I think we managed to stradle the spectrum of being romantic, of being just comfy and quiet together, and of acting like wild crazy monkeys. Jon's not the type of guy to ever inflate his emotions. In fact he constantly downplays himself. So seeing him be happy and sweet, even in those fleeting moments, is very rewarding because you know that it's true. Jon's awesome because he's there, and when he's there he's real, and he's there deeply enough that I just simply cease to feel alone.