Melissa & Joey
So. I just want to say for the record that I’m not embarrassed to be telling you this. Last night, my roommate and I got a bottle of wine, a pizza, and watched the first two episodes of that new ABC Family “comedy”, Melissa & Joey.
Wait, wait. Let me back up. So several months back, Eesha (that’s my roommate) informed me that she had DVRed an ABC Family movie called My Fake Fiance and that she was insisting we watch it together. So we did. It was RIDICULOUS! The jist was that Melissa Joan Hart had all her stuff stolen because her stupid friend couldn’t be bothered to watch the moving truck (??), and she couldn’t afford new stuff. Also, her apartment was like a fricking palace, I can’t remember what job she had that allowed her to own something of that gargantuan size, especially since she was the ONLY PERSON LIVING IN IT. Okay, so. Enter Joey Lawrence, who was a con man? (The “backstories” of the “characters” from this “movie” are starting to escape me.) Anyway, they decided that they would have a fake wedding and then split the cash and gifts (or maybe she got the gifts and he got the cash, although that would get her 4 blenders but probably not, like, a new couch, so it’s kind of a bad plan) so he could pay back the people he owed money to, and she could furnish her apartment. So, aside from the obvious fool proof-ness of this plan, the movie was a hilarious train wreck, but you know what? Joey Lawrence has the NICEST BODY EVER. He is fit as a fiddle, with perfect biceps and a beautiful butt. And I’m not even a butt girl. But seriously.
Anyway, ABC Family must have decided that it had something on its hands with these two crazy kids, so now there’s this TV show that is similar but not the same, because that would be silly. Melissa Joan Hart now plays Mel Burke, a local politician (random profession) from a highly corrupt political family who has become the guardian of her niece and nephew because her sister is in federal prison and her brother-in-law has fled the country underneath clouds of some scandal. But because Mel is apparently so incapable of taking care of herself that her sassistant (that’s “sassy” + “assistant”) helps her get dressed in the morning-or at the very least hovers over her as she gets dressed in the morning, which is equally as creepy and highly unnecessary-she needs help dealing with these mostly grown kids. So she hires Joey Lawrence, he of the bulging muscles, an out of work commodities trader, to do the laundry and cook the meals and keep the house even though, can we backtrack to how he’s a former commodities trader? And he just jumps right in to help with the dirty dishes? I don’t…whatever.
Obviously, questioning the internal logic of this show will just lead to an ever devolving shame spiral of confusion and frustration-it’s one of those things you’ve just got to accept as-is. And asking why the show insists on harkening back to the days of 90s sitcoms by, like, looking like a 90s sitcom, is probably pretty pointless. As is asking why Mel’s house (AGAIN, gigantic and ostensibly just for Mel-would make more sense if she had moved into her sister’s old house, but they have already stated that the town the kids used to live in is two hours away) looks like the Matthewses’ house from Boy Meets World. (Eesha thinks it looks more like the house from Step by Step, but she’s wrong. That one had WAY more wood paneling.) The show’s not very funny, which is its biggest downfall, although it has its moments. Every once in a while, we’d laugh, but did I mention that we had some wine?
Anyway, if you’re wondering if I’m going to watch it again, the answer is, unequivocally, YES. During another bombed joke, I turned to Eesha and asked, “Did you make sure to record the whole series?” And she said, “Of course.” And then we high fived.
Originally published at AnnaJarzab.com