ADAM MAD! ADAM SMASH!
Gordy's gone bye byes and Adam Boulton's gone nut-nut, following Kay Burley's spectacular on-air meltdown on Saturday while covering the takebackparliament protest.
God only knows what they're putting in the water coolers in the Sky News offices. It's probably only a matter of time before Richard Littlejohn has a full on green, bulgy hulk-out. You know, First Past The Post may be a completely absurd and undemocratic voting system, but to give it it's due it is hilarious.
If Nick Clegg does end up getting swept off his feet by Mandy and a Lib-Lab coalition is formed then we are going to be hearing a lot from thick people. I'm sure you've noticed this already. You might recognise some of these phrases.
1. IT'S UNDEMOCRATIC!
2. BUT DAVID CAMERON WON!
3. BUT WE'LL JUST END UP WITH ANOTHER UNELECTED PRIME MINISTER LIKE GORDON BROWN AND THAT'S BAD!!!
Okay, number one. It's not actually undemocratic. A Lib-Lab coalition would represent over 50% of the voting public while only 38% of people voted for the Conservative party. Even with the support of their allies Dave and his jolly good chums would only manage to cobble together maybe 45% of the votes cast - and that's stretching it. But, since the voting system is fucking broken the country has previously been ruled by governments whose far from unanimous 45% of the vote has translated into such vast stonking majorities that it took three general elections to chip away at said insanely huge majorities. On 45% of the vote. Now, I may have the mathematical ability of a cheese sandwich but it's obvious even to me that that leaves 55% of the voters feeling a bit...well...disenfranchised.
Number two. No, he didn't. According to the ridiculous rules of the voting system he wants to keep he didn't win. Nobody won. They're all losers. (On the plus side, Lord Ashcroft and Scrotal Roop are said to be even angrier than Adam Boulton - they bloody well paid for a Conservative government and they haven't got what they paid for.)
Number three. WE DO NOT ELECT PRIME MINISTERS IN THIS COUNTRY. WE VOTE FOR THE PARTY NOT THE PM. THIS IS NOT AMERICA. WE DO NOT HAVE A PRESIDENTIAL SYSTEM. REPEAT - THIS IS NOT AMERICA. WE DO NOT HAVE A PRESIDENTIAL SYSTEM. YOU VOTE FOR THE PARTY, NOT THE PRIME MINISTER.
Speaking of unbelievable cons and raging arseholes, I thoroughly enjoyed the first of Derren Brown's new series in which he investigates extraordinary paranormal claims. Britain's sexiest sceptic went on a Louis Theroux style weird weekend with psychic medium Joe Power.
The absolute money shot was when Joe went from 0-to-furious when Derren reluctantly agreed to perform a 'psychic reading' and was terrifyingly accurate. I've seen some good cold readers (And some stunningly bad ones. American medium Sylvia Browne is particularly jawdropping.) but whenever Derren Brown can be persuaded to demonstrate the technique he takes my breath away. He is simply astoundingly good. One of my favourite Brown routines was when he cold read for an entire theatre in his attempt to recreate a famous old stage act called The Oracle. It really has to be seen to be believed.
He was surprisingly nice to the dreadful Joe, who regularly got extremely angry and at one point patronisingly patted him on the shoulder and said "Bad showmanship, Derren. Bad showmanship." Derren held it together but I probably would have swatted his hand away angrily or told him to pull his jeans up because he was showing two whole inches of arsecrack. Perhaps it's interesting to note that not all magicians have been as amiable to psychics - Houdini was incredibly hostile, to the point where he called them all 'vultures'. It's even more interesting to note that after Houdini's premature death from appendicitus he regularly 'came through' for numerous mediums but failed to call any of them scum.
I was also reminded of Houdini when Derren Brown set up a reading for Power with a lady named Roz. They told him her name was Pam and had him visit her in a house that was not her own (Power's trick of nipping to the loo as soon as he got through the front door could easily have allowed him to have a quick shufti at family photographs and so on.), whereupon his reading bombed. Roz told Derren Brown beforehand that she had lost her sister to breast cancer and that her late sister had said that if there was anything out there she would attempt to make contact from the other side, as it were. She didn't. Power didn't even mention a sister.
But it reminded me of Houdini because he and his wife and assistant Bess had made a similar pact before his death. They both agreed that if anything happened to either of them then they would carry to the grave a special, specific code word that only the two of them knew. Bess, who was no slouch as a magician herself and shared her husband's curious, questing nature, held yearly seances every Halloween (The anniversary of Houdini's death) in case Harry came through and delivered the secret word.
He never did.
Incidentally, I'm in the market for a rec on a really good biography of Houdini. The H section in my local library stopped at Horgan-Wallace - as in Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace of Big Brother fame. Now, I like Aisleyne; nothing will convince me that she isn't a very nice woman with very very bad dress sense. Of course, in this stinking world we're inclined to believe that nice people dress well - I mean, the Third Reich were remarkably well turned out. But Gandhi? Fucking mess. Oh my God. Can you imagine what heat magazine would have made of him? Those spiteful little red circles would have been scrawled all over him.
"Sandals? Oh no Mo, what were you thinking?"
"John Lennon specs - sooooo 1995."
"Giant nappy - we don't even know what's going on with this."
But yeah - anyway. Aisleyne. Nice lady, awful boob job. But not what I was looking for, so I toddled over to the Occult section in the hopes of finding something funny to read. Then a really weird thing happened - not the ghost of Harry Houdini, but the astonishing experience of finding a really really fucking good book in the Occult section.
The book in question was called Hellish Nell, by Cambridge historian Malcolm Gaskill and it's a sort of biographical history of the notorious Scottish 'physical medium' Helen Duncan. If her name sounds familiar it's because Helen Duncan was the last person to be the subject of a witch-trial in Great Britain, sent down in 1944 for allegedly predicting the loss of the British battleships HMS Hood and Barham.
It's hard to find a solid, credible biography of Helen because she has been adopted as a kind of saint by the Spiritualist movement, but this book really is the ticket. It also contains a fascinating insight into the rise of Spiritualism, from the fraudulent Fox sisters to Conan-Doyle and considers the impact of the wars on the movement. It's good stuff.
God only knows what they're putting in the water coolers in the Sky News offices. It's probably only a matter of time before Richard Littlejohn has a full on green, bulgy hulk-out. You know, First Past The Post may be a completely absurd and undemocratic voting system, but to give it it's due it is hilarious.
If Nick Clegg does end up getting swept off his feet by Mandy and a Lib-Lab coalition is formed then we are going to be hearing a lot from thick people. I'm sure you've noticed this already. You might recognise some of these phrases.
1. IT'S UNDEMOCRATIC!
2. BUT DAVID CAMERON WON!
3. BUT WE'LL JUST END UP WITH ANOTHER UNELECTED PRIME MINISTER LIKE GORDON BROWN AND THAT'S BAD!!!
Okay, number one. It's not actually undemocratic. A Lib-Lab coalition would represent over 50% of the voting public while only 38% of people voted for the Conservative party. Even with the support of their allies Dave and his jolly good chums would only manage to cobble together maybe 45% of the votes cast - and that's stretching it. But, since the voting system is fucking broken the country has previously been ruled by governments whose far from unanimous 45% of the vote has translated into such vast stonking majorities that it took three general elections to chip away at said insanely huge majorities. On 45% of the vote. Now, I may have the mathematical ability of a cheese sandwich but it's obvious even to me that that leaves 55% of the voters feeling a bit...well...disenfranchised.
Number two. No, he didn't. According to the ridiculous rules of the voting system he wants to keep he didn't win. Nobody won. They're all losers. (On the plus side, Lord Ashcroft and Scrotal Roop are said to be even angrier than Adam Boulton - they bloody well paid for a Conservative government and they haven't got what they paid for.)
Number three. WE DO NOT ELECT PRIME MINISTERS IN THIS COUNTRY. WE VOTE FOR THE PARTY NOT THE PM. THIS IS NOT AMERICA. WE DO NOT HAVE A PRESIDENTIAL SYSTEM. REPEAT - THIS IS NOT AMERICA. WE DO NOT HAVE A PRESIDENTIAL SYSTEM. YOU VOTE FOR THE PARTY, NOT THE PRIME MINISTER.
Speaking of unbelievable cons and raging arseholes, I thoroughly enjoyed the first of Derren Brown's new series in which he investigates extraordinary paranormal claims. Britain's sexiest sceptic went on a Louis Theroux style weird weekend with psychic medium Joe Power.
The absolute money shot was when Joe went from 0-to-furious when Derren reluctantly agreed to perform a 'psychic reading' and was terrifyingly accurate. I've seen some good cold readers (And some stunningly bad ones. American medium Sylvia Browne is particularly jawdropping.) but whenever Derren Brown can be persuaded to demonstrate the technique he takes my breath away. He is simply astoundingly good. One of my favourite Brown routines was when he cold read for an entire theatre in his attempt to recreate a famous old stage act called The Oracle. It really has to be seen to be believed.
He was surprisingly nice to the dreadful Joe, who regularly got extremely angry and at one point patronisingly patted him on the shoulder and said "Bad showmanship, Derren. Bad showmanship." Derren held it together but I probably would have swatted his hand away angrily or told him to pull his jeans up because he was showing two whole inches of arsecrack. Perhaps it's interesting to note that not all magicians have been as amiable to psychics - Houdini was incredibly hostile, to the point where he called them all 'vultures'. It's even more interesting to note that after Houdini's premature death from appendicitus he regularly 'came through' for numerous mediums but failed to call any of them scum.
I was also reminded of Houdini when Derren Brown set up a reading for Power with a lady named Roz. They told him her name was Pam and had him visit her in a house that was not her own (Power's trick of nipping to the loo as soon as he got through the front door could easily have allowed him to have a quick shufti at family photographs and so on.), whereupon his reading bombed. Roz told Derren Brown beforehand that she had lost her sister to breast cancer and that her late sister had said that if there was anything out there she would attempt to make contact from the other side, as it were. She didn't. Power didn't even mention a sister.
But it reminded me of Houdini because he and his wife and assistant Bess had made a similar pact before his death. They both agreed that if anything happened to either of them then they would carry to the grave a special, specific code word that only the two of them knew. Bess, who was no slouch as a magician herself and shared her husband's curious, questing nature, held yearly seances every Halloween (The anniversary of Houdini's death) in case Harry came through and delivered the secret word.
He never did.
Incidentally, I'm in the market for a rec on a really good biography of Houdini. The H section in my local library stopped at Horgan-Wallace - as in Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace of Big Brother fame. Now, I like Aisleyne; nothing will convince me that she isn't a very nice woman with very very bad dress sense. Of course, in this stinking world we're inclined to believe that nice people dress well - I mean, the Third Reich were remarkably well turned out. But Gandhi? Fucking mess. Oh my God. Can you imagine what heat magazine would have made of him? Those spiteful little red circles would have been scrawled all over him.
"Sandals? Oh no Mo, what were you thinking?"
"John Lennon specs - sooooo 1995."
"Giant nappy - we don't even know what's going on with this."
But yeah - anyway. Aisleyne. Nice lady, awful boob job. But not what I was looking for, so I toddled over to the Occult section in the hopes of finding something funny to read. Then a really weird thing happened - not the ghost of Harry Houdini, but the astonishing experience of finding a really really fucking good book in the Occult section.
The book in question was called Hellish Nell, by Cambridge historian Malcolm Gaskill and it's a sort of biographical history of the notorious Scottish 'physical medium' Helen Duncan. If her name sounds familiar it's because Helen Duncan was the last person to be the subject of a witch-trial in Great Britain, sent down in 1944 for allegedly predicting the loss of the British battleships HMS Hood and Barham.
It's hard to find a solid, credible biography of Helen because she has been adopted as a kind of saint by the Spiritualist movement, but this book really is the ticket. It also contains a fascinating insight into the rise of Spiritualism, from the fraudulent Fox sisters to Conan-Doyle and considers the impact of the wars on the movement. It's good stuff.