(no subject)
i hate having a roommate. i am not surprised about this at all, i know that however much i like hanging out with people, i also like having my own space to chill in/retreat to. I have been lucky so far in that I hav ea single at school, but this summer i had to suck it up and live in the same room as someone else. I mean, we have an entire apartment, so there is space to be outside of my room, but with 3 others here besides me and my roommate (5 of us in total, in case anyone is actually reading this and is too lazy to do the math), finding space to be on my own is....difficult.
I have started retreating to the starbucks down the street. unfortunately, it is the closest coffee shop, and it is open until 10 and has this nice little place out front with chairs in a garden-type atmosphere. I really like it because I can read a book there and still be surrounded by people and activity, but people and activity that have nothing to do with me. I have taken to bringing my journal with me on such evenings and making up stories about the people who pass by/sit down in the garden thing/ whatever. i dont know if this makes me creepy or creative or just insane. i find it highly therapeutic.
i cant make up my mind whether i am lonely or want to be alone. i think it is kind of a combination of the two...i want to be a part of a group and talk to people and be social, but i dont want to do this with anyone here. i want my friends, the people that i am close to. my fear is that i am no longer close to anyone. it is hard to maintain friendships, especially when you are unsure if people actually want to remain your friend or just talk to you to humor you.
I think i was really depressed at beloit, especially by the end of the year when i had no real friends there, just a lot of failed friendships and some that were perhaps taking root but hadnt really gotten to any definite stage yet. i dont know what i am going to do next year, especially since most of the people i was getting to know a little better are studying abroad. i dread going back to school.
i find my hair amusing. i really hate it, except i like that it can cover my entire face and hide me from the world. when i am really sad and lonely i flat iron it. not only does this take a long time and fill the empty hours of my day, but it provides a better curtain with which to hide embarrassingly ugly and confused face from the world. i also find it funny that i always get complemented on my straight hair. it is kind of ironic that something that to me symbolizes loneliness and despair to others symbolizes put-togetherness and a sense of caring about ones looks. i hate it everytime someone tells my they like my flat hair better then my normal hair, as if i am not good enough the way i am. i mean, i am not, but straightening ones hair does not suddenly validate them or anything...at least, it shouldnt.
people should never drink and IM. on top of not being able to properly type, people who do such things usually end up reveling things about themselves they would otherwise not reveal. these things usually lead to embarrassment and this situation should be avoided at all costs.
i have become more obsessed with postsecrets then ever, and have even started keeping a list of secrets i would send in. they are all stupid secrets, because i will not even admit to myself my deepest darkest secrets, never mind share them with a piece of papaer or a computer screen.
i have to work tomorrow, hopefully i will be able to draw more blood, though i think that wont be until tuesday. i love layering the blood over the ficoll and then centrifuging it. the layers are so pretty.
I have started retreating to the starbucks down the street. unfortunately, it is the closest coffee shop, and it is open until 10 and has this nice little place out front with chairs in a garden-type atmosphere. I really like it because I can read a book there and still be surrounded by people and activity, but people and activity that have nothing to do with me. I have taken to bringing my journal with me on such evenings and making up stories about the people who pass by/sit down in the garden thing/ whatever. i dont know if this makes me creepy or creative or just insane. i find it highly therapeutic.
i cant make up my mind whether i am lonely or want to be alone. i think it is kind of a combination of the two...i want to be a part of a group and talk to people and be social, but i dont want to do this with anyone here. i want my friends, the people that i am close to. my fear is that i am no longer close to anyone. it is hard to maintain friendships, especially when you are unsure if people actually want to remain your friend or just talk to you to humor you.
I think i was really depressed at beloit, especially by the end of the year when i had no real friends there, just a lot of failed friendships and some that were perhaps taking root but hadnt really gotten to any definite stage yet. i dont know what i am going to do next year, especially since most of the people i was getting to know a little better are studying abroad. i dread going back to school.
i find my hair amusing. i really hate it, except i like that it can cover my entire face and hide me from the world. when i am really sad and lonely i flat iron it. not only does this take a long time and fill the empty hours of my day, but it provides a better curtain with which to hide embarrassingly ugly and confused face from the world. i also find it funny that i always get complemented on my straight hair. it is kind of ironic that something that to me symbolizes loneliness and despair to others symbolizes put-togetherness and a sense of caring about ones looks. i hate it everytime someone tells my they like my flat hair better then my normal hair, as if i am not good enough the way i am. i mean, i am not, but straightening ones hair does not suddenly validate them or anything...at least, it shouldnt.
people should never drink and IM. on top of not being able to properly type, people who do such things usually end up reveling things about themselves they would otherwise not reveal. these things usually lead to embarrassment and this situation should be avoided at all costs.
i have become more obsessed with postsecrets then ever, and have even started keeping a list of secrets i would send in. they are all stupid secrets, because i will not even admit to myself my deepest darkest secrets, never mind share them with a piece of papaer or a computer screen.
i have to work tomorrow, hopefully i will be able to draw more blood, though i think that wont be until tuesday. i love layering the blood over the ficoll and then centrifuging it. the layers are so pretty.