Dec 01, 2008 00:38
My life is a mess.
I can either be true to myself, or true to you, but I can't do both. I feel like dissolving, like every atom in my body is trying to break free and drift away.
A song you once played me starts and i cry for the loss of you. But I cry more for the knowledge that i would not ask, and do not want, you back.
when you can't even trust your own judgement any more, or your own thoughts, what can you trust. This all feels like a horrifying nightmare. I shouldn't have fallen asleep in the first place. Not for the sake of a potentially perfect dream.
I need my space, but more than that, i think i need you out of my life. It will kill both of us, but knowing you are still there, still loving me, makes my heart break a little more every day.
All i want is a hug, someone folding their arms about me telling me everything is going to be ok. I am so lost I no longer even know who to turn to, because there is not a fairy godmother out their who will wave her wand and make everything good again. and anything less just hurts more.
If i knew what to do i would do it. If i knew how to make this work, i would. but i dont. I barely know how to make myself work.
I am weak, I am lost, I am alone. This is how i was meant to be - there was no other way.
there never will be another way.