(no subject)
**there`s a lot of gibberish in this one. don`t know what the fuck I was talking about.
also--i don`t beleive in magic and seeing the future and shit. But my dream--I was dreaming a lot about flooding this month. No, nevermind. Just a creepy feeling I got.**
August 22
No one cares that I sleep through classes, but it`s a big fucking deal that I have my hands out of my pockets while they`re raising the flag. The door is smaller than the frame and cold air blows through and these school skirts are shit and my ass shows going up the stairs.
english class is fantastic. make somebody feel something. get even, gain control, pretend you`re completely there, keep your word, make a difference, have an advantage. olé. the next morning, you can`t get the smell out of your hair.
The director (Juan) pretended to hit me in the hall. I kind of whimpered, and kept walking. It was a little weird. I had a dream that I was showering in the middle of a huge tile room (the hostile?) and claire and Kylee were talking to me and we were laughing hard, but they weren`t getting wet. Then I was in a small marble living room, talking to an old motherly woman in an overstuffed chair. I looked outside and it was raining so hard the streets were flooding. water poured throught the windows and filled the room. I went outside into the rain and there was a beautiful garden with ferns and exotic flowers.
Last night Gladys and Louis introduced me to a frined of theirs. He looked me up and down and asked me where I worked, lowered his voice, raised an eyebrow, smiled. PRetty cute, speaks English, Spanish and French. Invited me to his house for lunch--1181, same street as San Jorge. Same horse drawn carriage goes by my classroom window.
Here, university is $100 a year. We`re taking one of those bullshit tests to see what we want to be when we grow up. I mark yes for every question. I`ve chosen my career. Travel. This is the rest of my life. Screw it if I have a family. I`m gonna join the Peace Corps. Loneliness=hunger and impermanence. Beauty in the heart of despair. I`m in love with sometihng bigger. The world is my child.
You can`t capture me with a slide show. Somèone`s wrist watch alarm goes off and i shiver with disgust. My body needs: what? a pure, spiritual feeling.
10 wishes:
-i never waist a moment of my life
-everything i do is true to myself
-i live a life of sacrafice
-i can change what i can`t take, take what I can`t change
-stay foolish, hungry, overwhelmed, romantic
-i stay with the grencis and help them
-that everything doesn`t go back to normal when i get home
-that i can tell what is true and what is not
-that i can think about everything I do
-someday i`ll get to africa
Food I miss. Thank god, Vicky has stopped saying "Nakano-Baker!" like it`s an inside joke. The girls surround me and ask me if I met anyone in the boliche. Yes. What was his name? I don`t remember. They laugh. Did you drink? Yea. They shreek and laugh. I didn`t get drunk, I say defensively. Why am I blushing? "She`s all red!" they yell. Leave me alone. Shrink away shrink away.
Mili is funny. Reminds me of Julia Jacobson, except less raunchy.
**Then I made a list of "10 unnecesaries" like clothes and candy and "10 neccesaries" like new people, music, breathing...I must have started reading Siddhartha.**
Went running and passed a woman in a wheelchair. Tug tug tug. We are the same and I felt so free and so unfair as I passed her in a rush. Walking home, passed a dog on the street with a bullet through its head. Two police officers were standing over it, chatting. Tug tug tug. We are the same.
Murmur thrum throb.
Spanish class a waiste of time. Talked to the boy w/dreads who stares at me. Girl from Germany who talks too much. All french-speaking people are gorgeous. Girl from Belgium tells me she`s homesick and I`m just fucking happy she`s talking to me. German girl #2 complains about how gross the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting is. Complains about everything. Bought apples from two pretty boys who laughed at me after I walked out cause I counted my money wrong. Walking home in the dark, a boy with snot running down his face says something to me. "I don`t understand," I say sweetly. "MIERDA! PUTA!" he screams at me. Hm.
Maxi called me, comming to get me in 15 minutes. I barely packed all my shit. Gave Gladys my three leftover apples as a going away gift. It`s quiet at the Grenci`s. We eat meat in piles of grease and I think Vale likes me.
also--i don`t beleive in magic and seeing the future and shit. But my dream--I was dreaming a lot about flooding this month. No, nevermind. Just a creepy feeling I got.**
August 22
No one cares that I sleep through classes, but it`s a big fucking deal that I have my hands out of my pockets while they`re raising the flag. The door is smaller than the frame and cold air blows through and these school skirts are shit and my ass shows going up the stairs.
english class is fantastic. make somebody feel something. get even, gain control, pretend you`re completely there, keep your word, make a difference, have an advantage. olé. the next morning, you can`t get the smell out of your hair.
The director (Juan) pretended to hit me in the hall. I kind of whimpered, and kept walking. It was a little weird. I had a dream that I was showering in the middle of a huge tile room (the hostile?) and claire and Kylee were talking to me and we were laughing hard, but they weren`t getting wet. Then I was in a small marble living room, talking to an old motherly woman in an overstuffed chair. I looked outside and it was raining so hard the streets were flooding. water poured throught the windows and filled the room. I went outside into the rain and there was a beautiful garden with ferns and exotic flowers.
Last night Gladys and Louis introduced me to a frined of theirs. He looked me up and down and asked me where I worked, lowered his voice, raised an eyebrow, smiled. PRetty cute, speaks English, Spanish and French. Invited me to his house for lunch--1181, same street as San Jorge. Same horse drawn carriage goes by my classroom window.
Here, university is $100 a year. We`re taking one of those bullshit tests to see what we want to be when we grow up. I mark yes for every question. I`ve chosen my career. Travel. This is the rest of my life. Screw it if I have a family. I`m gonna join the Peace Corps. Loneliness=hunger and impermanence. Beauty in the heart of despair. I`m in love with sometihng bigger. The world is my child.
You can`t capture me with a slide show. Somèone`s wrist watch alarm goes off and i shiver with disgust. My body needs: what? a pure, spiritual feeling.
10 wishes:
-i never waist a moment of my life
-everything i do is true to myself
-i live a life of sacrafice
-i can change what i can`t take, take what I can`t change
-stay foolish, hungry, overwhelmed, romantic
-i stay with the grencis and help them
-that everything doesn`t go back to normal when i get home
-that i can tell what is true and what is not
-that i can think about everything I do
-someday i`ll get to africa
Food I miss. Thank god, Vicky has stopped saying "Nakano-Baker!" like it`s an inside joke. The girls surround me and ask me if I met anyone in the boliche. Yes. What was his name? I don`t remember. They laugh. Did you drink? Yea. They shreek and laugh. I didn`t get drunk, I say defensively. Why am I blushing? "She`s all red!" they yell. Leave me alone. Shrink away shrink away.
Mili is funny. Reminds me of Julia Jacobson, except less raunchy.
**Then I made a list of "10 unnecesaries" like clothes and candy and "10 neccesaries" like new people, music, breathing...I must have started reading Siddhartha.**
Went running and passed a woman in a wheelchair. Tug tug tug. We are the same and I felt so free and so unfair as I passed her in a rush. Walking home, passed a dog on the street with a bullet through its head. Two police officers were standing over it, chatting. Tug tug tug. We are the same.
Murmur thrum throb.
Spanish class a waiste of time. Talked to the boy w/dreads who stares at me. Girl from Germany who talks too much. All french-speaking people are gorgeous. Girl from Belgium tells me she`s homesick and I`m just fucking happy she`s talking to me. German girl #2 complains about how gross the kiss-on-the-cheek greeting is. Complains about everything. Bought apples from two pretty boys who laughed at me after I walked out cause I counted my money wrong. Walking home in the dark, a boy with snot running down his face says something to me. "I don`t understand," I say sweetly. "MIERDA! PUTA!" he screams at me. Hm.
Maxi called me, comming to get me in 15 minutes. I barely packed all my shit. Gave Gladys my three leftover apples as a going away gift. It`s quiet at the Grenci`s. We eat meat in piles of grease and I think Vale likes me.