(no subject)
i'll catch up on the meme tomorrow. jesus fucking christ...i hate posting like this.
i hate it, but i'm so angry. i've just grabbed my laptop and run out of the living room because my mum's response to a drama-type show on tv where a young man got damaged from the waist down by a hand-grenade in world war two was come out with 'well he's gay, he got what he deserved'.
i didn't say a thing to her- because yesterday when i laughed at her for not being able to see the print icon on her laptop screen, she told me i had better be nice to her since she just bought me tickets for disneyland.
i feel sick. i'm sobbing in my room because i feel furious at her, but i'm so, so much more disgusted with myself. what the hell am i meant to do when someone i'm dependant on for a home here, for rent in norwich, let alone presents and, you know, emotional support (like she's given me any of that in the last 5 years which hasn't only been in response to a problem she's either caused, wilfully ignored, or tried to fix by telling me to 'sort myself out')- what am i meant to do when that person is so heinous, and so fucking *casual* about it too? can anyone give me any advice? my dad will tell me she was she was making some kind of joke, like he always does when i ask him if he thinks she's out of line too. if that's the case then her sense of humour is fucked up- even if it was just fiction the guy got injured fighting for his country, what the hell does it matter whether he was gay or not??!
god, since when do i ever refuse to speak up because i want a quiet life? i don't know what's wrong with me- the first thought to go through my head was 'i won't be able to pay for my holiday if i piss her off now and she takes it away- 'i'll have to be the one to tell sophie it's cancelled'. that's sickening. and i'm upstairs now not doing anything more about it because i can't exactly run down now and attack her over something she's probably already forgotten about. i left my sewing things downstairs so i don't have anything to distract me from thinking about this until i'm calmer, i'm just going to get angrier and angrier. i can't even look at her.
why aren't we allowed to shout at our parents and tell them they're acting in a bloody terrible way?? i'm a fucking adult...why do i even care about falling out of her favour? why am i more concerned about myself than about the way she must feel about my friends, people i have loved in the past and people i still love now? of course whenever i start to try and tell her anything about my sexuality she starts humming a little tune or something to that effect- that's seriously what she does, it's like a fucking comedy sketch. dad's fine, but he won't ever take my side over hers- like her, he doesn't believe in discussion between parents and 'children', and takes even the slightest dissent as a sign of 'disrespect' and gets shouty. why? because he just wants things to run smoothly. i fucking hate him for that- the way he actually says 'i refuse to argue with you' before he shouts me down, just shouting 'no, no, no, no!' over me when i say 'but...' even if i'm trying as hard as i can to be rational about the things he's saying, to lower my voice, to be fucking polite when i'm brimming over... now what do i find myself doing? shutting up, walking away... i'm so furious because they don't give me any way to address things that i have a problem with. i'd be told it's not for me to question their beliefs, that they don't concern me and i don't have the right to take issue with them...i could agree with at least part of that, in any fucking case other than this one!!
i'm just disgusted. and i know this rant is pointless (i've already abandoned punctuation), this isn't going to solve anything and i'm sorry for inflicting it but god, just when i thought i was having a good day. mum had helped me with my sewing, i was still on a high about the holiday...i was even thinking yesterday, and telling chris today, that it wouldn't be so bad to come and live back here if it's true that half the library are leaving in july, and if my boss really meant it when she said that i could do her job, no problem.
i need to calm down before i wreck everything for myself- to use my parents for money, essentially, is really wrong, and while i know that's not really what i'm doing- it's not like i'm hitting them up for drug money or anything- i still feel really, really guilty. i wish i was in a position where i could just distance myself from them, but i'm not independent enough at all- not financially i mean- yet i feel terrible for wishing i could just cut them out! but the things they say upset me so much, so much that i get upset because i got upset. god, i hate my brain!!!!!
in a few months i'm going to be jobless and i'll need their help more than ever. i should be able to put up with the occasional hideous remark. but goddamnit, i shouldn't have to! they should keep those fucking evil thoughts, which they shouldn't fucking have, to their damn selves if they have to!! how can i make them stop if they wouldn't fucking listen if i tried?
someone help? i'm completely at a loss, and i can't get myself to calm down.
i hate it, but i'm so angry. i've just grabbed my laptop and run out of the living room because my mum's response to a drama-type show on tv where a young man got damaged from the waist down by a hand-grenade in world war two was come out with 'well he's gay, he got what he deserved'.
i didn't say a thing to her- because yesterday when i laughed at her for not being able to see the print icon on her laptop screen, she told me i had better be nice to her since she just bought me tickets for disneyland.
i feel sick. i'm sobbing in my room because i feel furious at her, but i'm so, so much more disgusted with myself. what the hell am i meant to do when someone i'm dependant on for a home here, for rent in norwich, let alone presents and, you know, emotional support (like she's given me any of that in the last 5 years which hasn't only been in response to a problem she's either caused, wilfully ignored, or tried to fix by telling me to 'sort myself out')- what am i meant to do when that person is so heinous, and so fucking *casual* about it too? can anyone give me any advice? my dad will tell me she was she was making some kind of joke, like he always does when i ask him if he thinks she's out of line too. if that's the case then her sense of humour is fucked up- even if it was just fiction the guy got injured fighting for his country, what the hell does it matter whether he was gay or not??!
god, since when do i ever refuse to speak up because i want a quiet life? i don't know what's wrong with me- the first thought to go through my head was 'i won't be able to pay for my holiday if i piss her off now and she takes it away- 'i'll have to be the one to tell sophie it's cancelled'. that's sickening. and i'm upstairs now not doing anything more about it because i can't exactly run down now and attack her over something she's probably already forgotten about. i left my sewing things downstairs so i don't have anything to distract me from thinking about this until i'm calmer, i'm just going to get angrier and angrier. i can't even look at her.
why aren't we allowed to shout at our parents and tell them they're acting in a bloody terrible way?? i'm a fucking adult...why do i even care about falling out of her favour? why am i more concerned about myself than about the way she must feel about my friends, people i have loved in the past and people i still love now? of course whenever i start to try and tell her anything about my sexuality she starts humming a little tune or something to that effect- that's seriously what she does, it's like a fucking comedy sketch. dad's fine, but he won't ever take my side over hers- like her, he doesn't believe in discussion between parents and 'children', and takes even the slightest dissent as a sign of 'disrespect' and gets shouty. why? because he just wants things to run smoothly. i fucking hate him for that- the way he actually says 'i refuse to argue with you' before he shouts me down, just shouting 'no, no, no, no!' over me when i say 'but...' even if i'm trying as hard as i can to be rational about the things he's saying, to lower my voice, to be fucking polite when i'm brimming over... now what do i find myself doing? shutting up, walking away... i'm so furious because they don't give me any way to address things that i have a problem with. i'd be told it's not for me to question their beliefs, that they don't concern me and i don't have the right to take issue with them...i could agree with at least part of that, in any fucking case other than this one!!
i'm just disgusted. and i know this rant is pointless (i've already abandoned punctuation), this isn't going to solve anything and i'm sorry for inflicting it but god, just when i thought i was having a good day. mum had helped me with my sewing, i was still on a high about the holiday...i was even thinking yesterday, and telling chris today, that it wouldn't be so bad to come and live back here if it's true that half the library are leaving in july, and if my boss really meant it when she said that i could do her job, no problem.
i need to calm down before i wreck everything for myself- to use my parents for money, essentially, is really wrong, and while i know that's not really what i'm doing- it's not like i'm hitting them up for drug money or anything- i still feel really, really guilty. i wish i was in a position where i could just distance myself from them, but i'm not independent enough at all- not financially i mean- yet i feel terrible for wishing i could just cut them out! but the things they say upset me so much, so much that i get upset because i got upset. god, i hate my brain!!!!!
in a few months i'm going to be jobless and i'll need their help more than ever. i should be able to put up with the occasional hideous remark. but goddamnit, i shouldn't have to! they should keep those fucking evil thoughts, which they shouldn't fucking have, to their damn selves if they have to!! how can i make them stop if they wouldn't fucking listen if i tried?
someone help? i'm completely at a loss, and i can't get myself to calm down.