(no subject)
i think i'm gonna do a rantable post like my love emma did. . . . . . .. . ..
i dont' know why anyone could be that "perfect child" that im expected to be it's impossible to even try, and so much pressure, which is why i felt like i didnn't care at all..nd i didn't so i just gave up
i hate myself for it, but sometimes i think that it would be better off without me...and when i think about him going away, it just kills me---i know there's more help there, but no one asked my opinion on this, and now no one even knows what's happening, so i don't know how to feel about it
i feel like such a selfish bitch right now...but i can't help it..i'm just expected to fade into the background, so i do, and i just can't help doing the same thing at school, with my friends, everywhere-and they still don't see it! and then they ask if something's wrong-well maybe if they payed any attention they would see that EVERYTHING is wrong.
last night i stayed up till 11 on a creative dance thing...that got me nowhere, and here i am again. i miss dance so much, it's the only thing that really makes me happy, but i have to have someone to dance with--my annas, meg, WHOEVER! my dad's going to put a barre in my room, which is just a guilt gift, but after that i'll probably never come out.
and i wish i could just let him go, because it's so stupid to be obsessing about him when i should be much more worried about people who need to be worried about. emily went to feed the homeless the other day, and something about that just made me sad...i don't know why..maybe because it made me feel really self-centered-i was all bent out of shape because of a stupid softball game, and she was out making a difference, if only a small one.
i had a dream last night that someone asked me how many times i would breathe before i could get of this town, and i said ' too many"
it scared me so much that i woke up and started dreaming about the circus...but as i was watching it, the bus left without me, and someone offered me a disgusting bag of pretzels
xoxoxo
anna
i dont' know why anyone could be that "perfect child" that im expected to be it's impossible to even try, and so much pressure, which is why i felt like i didnn't care at all..nd i didn't so i just gave up
i hate myself for it, but sometimes i think that it would be better off without me...and when i think about him going away, it just kills me---i know there's more help there, but no one asked my opinion on this, and now no one even knows what's happening, so i don't know how to feel about it
i feel like such a selfish bitch right now...but i can't help it..i'm just expected to fade into the background, so i do, and i just can't help doing the same thing at school, with my friends, everywhere-and they still don't see it! and then they ask if something's wrong-well maybe if they payed any attention they would see that EVERYTHING is wrong.
last night i stayed up till 11 on a creative dance thing...that got me nowhere, and here i am again. i miss dance so much, it's the only thing that really makes me happy, but i have to have someone to dance with--my annas, meg, WHOEVER! my dad's going to put a barre in my room, which is just a guilt gift, but after that i'll probably never come out.
and i wish i could just let him go, because it's so stupid to be obsessing about him when i should be much more worried about people who need to be worried about. emily went to feed the homeless the other day, and something about that just made me sad...i don't know why..maybe because it made me feel really self-centered-i was all bent out of shape because of a stupid softball game, and she was out making a difference, if only a small one.
i had a dream last night that someone asked me how many times i would breathe before i could get of this town, and i said ' too many"
it scared me so much that i woke up and started dreaming about the circus...but as i was watching it, the bus left without me, and someone offered me a disgusting bag of pretzels
xoxoxo
anna