if i had only went to sleep
not once in my 15 years of life, have i ever regretted doing something in my life. a week ago i would have been proud of this accomplishment (if thats what u want to call it). ask me now and ill tell you something completely opposite.
i basically have lost just about every one of my friends. things probly will never be the same between me and sloan no matter how much we say it is. words can not express how much i want things to go back to being the same. she will probably never trust me again all because of my stupid mistake. if i hadnt of called the second time, if i would have just went to bed, everything would have been fine. the fight between me and chris wouldnt have happened, or the fight between me and sloan, or the fight between sloan and ashley, which might end up in a loss of friendship, which would be my fault yet again. ashley would have gotten over paul and been friends again with danielle and the seven would have been fine. perfectly fine. just dandy. but i had to pick up that damn phone and make a big deal about something stupid, something i dont even know why i did, something i should have had complete trust in. yet i still called. why? im not to entirely sure myself. sure sloans story that ashley told me had some influence on me but any girl would be a tiny bit worried in my situation but i kind of pushed it over the edge. and if im wrong, bite me. thats my opinion. thats how i felt. i just really dont want to lose such a good friend over a stupid dumb ass mistake. and youll probably sit there and say if shes such a good friend then why did you do it? and i wont have an answer. i realize now that i cant live without her but if thats how its gonna be ill have to accept that. if she doesnt want anything to do with me, thats fine. shes still one of my best friends, and i put my best friends feelings before mine. if thats what she wants, ok. and if not, if she still wants to be friends, if i can rebuiuld my trust and she do the same, i would be so incredibly happy. but i dont want any fakey shit, or pity, or guilt. i want a genuine, trustful friendship and nothing less. we can start from the beginning and hope for the best or throw it all away. you know where i stand in it and the rest is your decision.
i lost another best friend this weekend. actually i lost her a while ago i just didnt want to accept it, couldnt face the facts, until yesterday. and i guess this was my fault too, i guess im jus not that great of a friend. or ppl jus get sick of me because i act to much like their mom. not really the quality a friend is supposed to possess ay? i cant believe she would break a promise to me tho. she says she didnt remember it, so evidently it didnt mean to much to her then. and i would never break a promise to anyone, no matter what, they are a key part in friendship. so obviously she doenst value our friendship too much either. i love kayla to death, i jus dont like some of the things she does. especially this. but god forbid i say something to heather about it... noooo sir. but she can tell me that ive changed and that im a bitch now so why cant i tell her shes changed too? im glad megan told her that because i agree. i dont necesarrily want heather and kayla to stop hanging out but i dont want heather turning into something shes not. but i guess im too late. but thats ok, its not the first time this has happened to me, its not the first time my best friend just totally ditches me. nope, and the funny part was that when i first met heather i pictured us being best friends, like me and nicole was. but i pictured us graduating together, still best friends, i didnt think another person would be in the picture. just me and heather, best friends. and thats how it was for awhile. until kayla started coming over her house more and more... until heather started calling me less and less... right now i sound like a selfish bitch. i know i am. but kayla can have her, jus like melissa took nicole. im fucking sick of it. what more do u have to do? i fucking get it! im a shitty ass friend. u dont need to rub it in my god damn face. i give up. no one really listens, they seem like theyre listening and the next thing you know they tell somebody else or they say something like yeah that sucks, but i dont know what to do in my life... blah fucking blah blah BLAH. i honestly wonder if this is what it feels like to be alone. to not care. cause im stuck like this for one hell of a long time.
things i regret:
1)calling for the second time
2)not having as much trust in ppl as i should
3)being such a shitty friend
4)not being able to speak my feelings
5)not being able to control my jealousy
6)living
i basically have lost just about every one of my friends. things probly will never be the same between me and sloan no matter how much we say it is. words can not express how much i want things to go back to being the same. she will probably never trust me again all because of my stupid mistake. if i hadnt of called the second time, if i would have just went to bed, everything would have been fine. the fight between me and chris wouldnt have happened, or the fight between me and sloan, or the fight between sloan and ashley, which might end up in a loss of friendship, which would be my fault yet again. ashley would have gotten over paul and been friends again with danielle and the seven would have been fine. perfectly fine. just dandy. but i had to pick up that damn phone and make a big deal about something stupid, something i dont even know why i did, something i should have had complete trust in. yet i still called. why? im not to entirely sure myself. sure sloans story that ashley told me had some influence on me but any girl would be a tiny bit worried in my situation but i kind of pushed it over the edge. and if im wrong, bite me. thats my opinion. thats how i felt. i just really dont want to lose such a good friend over a stupid dumb ass mistake. and youll probably sit there and say if shes such a good friend then why did you do it? and i wont have an answer. i realize now that i cant live without her but if thats how its gonna be ill have to accept that. if she doesnt want anything to do with me, thats fine. shes still one of my best friends, and i put my best friends feelings before mine. if thats what she wants, ok. and if not, if she still wants to be friends, if i can rebuiuld my trust and she do the same, i would be so incredibly happy. but i dont want any fakey shit, or pity, or guilt. i want a genuine, trustful friendship and nothing less. we can start from the beginning and hope for the best or throw it all away. you know where i stand in it and the rest is your decision.
i lost another best friend this weekend. actually i lost her a while ago i just didnt want to accept it, couldnt face the facts, until yesterday. and i guess this was my fault too, i guess im jus not that great of a friend. or ppl jus get sick of me because i act to much like their mom. not really the quality a friend is supposed to possess ay? i cant believe she would break a promise to me tho. she says she didnt remember it, so evidently it didnt mean to much to her then. and i would never break a promise to anyone, no matter what, they are a key part in friendship. so obviously she doenst value our friendship too much either. i love kayla to death, i jus dont like some of the things she does. especially this. but god forbid i say something to heather about it... noooo sir. but she can tell me that ive changed and that im a bitch now so why cant i tell her shes changed too? im glad megan told her that because i agree. i dont necesarrily want heather and kayla to stop hanging out but i dont want heather turning into something shes not. but i guess im too late. but thats ok, its not the first time this has happened to me, its not the first time my best friend just totally ditches me. nope, and the funny part was that when i first met heather i pictured us being best friends, like me and nicole was. but i pictured us graduating together, still best friends, i didnt think another person would be in the picture. just me and heather, best friends. and thats how it was for awhile. until kayla started coming over her house more and more... until heather started calling me less and less... right now i sound like a selfish bitch. i know i am. but kayla can have her, jus like melissa took nicole. im fucking sick of it. what more do u have to do? i fucking get it! im a shitty ass friend. u dont need to rub it in my god damn face. i give up. no one really listens, they seem like theyre listening and the next thing you know they tell somebody else or they say something like yeah that sucks, but i dont know what to do in my life... blah fucking blah blah BLAH. i honestly wonder if this is what it feels like to be alone. to not care. cause im stuck like this for one hell of a long time.
things i regret:
1)calling for the second time
2)not having as much trust in ppl as i should
3)being such a shitty friend
4)not being able to speak my feelings
5)not being able to control my jealousy
6)living