Things to get off my chest.
there are a lot of things in my chest right now but mainly. it's 2 things:
1. How much I want to kick Mr.37 year old's ass right now. and
2. Why do I try to avoid being converted to Christianity so much. (this is not a bad thing, ok. right now, it's sort of an undecided thing but I have reached some sort of enlightenment in this subject.)
these 2 things just happened to happen on the same day.
I'll answer to #1 first.
Jomar called me at work today to, again, mourn about the loss of Wendy's affection towards him. This time, he had made it official. Jomar facebook-broke-up with her. It is a funny thing to mention because facebook break-ups are something that used to be laughable to me. but now that i see it. it kinds of give permission to other suitors to come and get wendy.
Enter Mr. 37 year old. He works for AT&T and has been Jomar's friends i guess until now because Wendy likes hanging out with him more. He's the reason why Jomar has been calling me on my phone, has been complaining about, crying about, angry about, shitting about.
He's the reason why My whole family has been in an uproar. and maybe he is the reason why wendy would abandon millie for.
if he does pursue a relationship with that man, she is sordidly making a big mistake. I mean, he is 37 year old. wendy is 18 years old. any man with any decency would know that she is too young. a 37 year old man like that would only want a younger woman to toy and fuck around with. at least, that is what i am assuming with this man since he is supposedly unmarried and has a jacuzzi in his house.
i know, i sound judgemental. and that is really because it is my sister we are dealing with here. people that she meets are ones that have fallen off the course of the path on the right, those that have veered off. a man like that only wants a young maiden to jizz at.
eventually, this will hurt wendy. i dont want to loose her.
according to mona though, although she would be broken, she wont loose us as long as we still accept her. that is the thing, we are family of course we will accept her. it's just really frustrating that she is not always at home so that we can confront her about it and that i don't know how to confront her about it.
i want to make her stop hanging out with her "friends" (they backstab and use her networking skills for free ride, free french fries, macdonalds and probably smokes and beer). i want to tell her that she is making a mistake for herself. that she is harming herself. that she should come back and go back to the right path with us. you know, not sleeping around with old people and having babies. what's scary is that i don't know what they are doing in their hang outs. there are the usual stuff like shopping and eating out. but there is also tons of under-aged drinking, smoking, and who knows, usage of pot, and maybe even worse, heroin. meth, crack...
what if she gets Baby #2 with that dude and, what, we are their baby sitters now? I have been baby sitting millie for the winter break and that has caused grandma to want to throw me out of her apartment. mom has been the one paying for the milk and diapers. judy has to shorten the time to hang out with friends so that she can baby sit too. dude. my mom is the one feeding the child and wendy goes and uses the money she earns from panda to do what? hang out and eat out with $7 ice creams. SHIT! although We love millie and don't mind taking care of her from time to time, we are also not baby sitters. ultimately, wendy should be responsible for her. (plus jomar but you know what i am talking about)
so what should i say. the advice i am given so far is this:
tell her to let her choose. will you abandon millie or hang out with that man. sure, we'll take care of millie from now on like she is our child. but if you ever have baby with that man though, she would be yours and yours to care of. we wont give financial support. so if he does not stay with you then, sorry. it's your responsibility. we told you so.
god. man. that is a tough ultimatum. but that's the thing. she never learned.
1. remember middle school. she hangs out with those kiddie gangs? this got her sent back to the philippines
2. remember back in philippines that she never comes home because she is at someone's house having fun? that got our parents to report her to baranggay (equivalent to the town mayor / local police) and got her in a cell (small prison. think like those in the sherriff's jail like in the old days with black and white films)
3. remember when she came back to the united states and started hanging out with city college kids? that got her knocked up. apparently, all her friends were getting knocked up too so it might have been the hip thing to do for a 17 year old at that time (come on, we get government money for milk and cereal, right? shit!)
4. and now she is sleeping over at Mr. 37 year old's house. what if they are fucking each other now. we'd definitely have another baby then.
there are 2 things that ran into my mind today and they are definitely bad ideas but what if i acted on either one of them:
1. adopt millie as my own
2. put on the pointiest stilletoes i can get my hands on. go to Market and 3rd st. in the AT&T store. Find Mr. 37 year old. kick his ass and when he is down, pulverize his penis with my stilletoes. while yelling. "If my sister get's pregnant, i will castrate you! my sister is only 17 when she got her first baby. we are poor. we dont need another baby you soddy shit head."
#2 would probably put me in jail and be slapped with a heavy fine. someone really needs to keep me away from market street!
it's not something i do but i admit, i had a breakdown at work today too. thanks to bathroom breaks, no one has to see it. And also i will have to thank whoever gave me this cold / bronchitis. it comes in handy to hide the fact that i am really torn up inside and all they think is that i am just showing symptoms of a bug. *snort*
Grandma and I sort of had a discussion about religion today and this lead me to the question #2.
in the past, she had been using my sisters as an approach to have be become converted.
" you should set an example to your sisters. bring them to church with you and surely they will become better kids."
and i thought, " why should i sacrifice my ideals (about religion) to parent my sisters. hell, i am not even the parent."
and my next thought is " shouldn't family be more important? it should not be your pride that prevents you from entering the house of god, right? if not, you are not giving religion a chance then. that is unfair."
and then the big question is: "what is so bad about becoming Christian? nothing! that's right. Nothing."
" shoots, i am being unfair is bad. i should sacrifice my pride for the good of my sisters then."
"but it seems that it may be unfaithful to myself."
while mulling over this in my head, grandma would be in the background, telling her story about how she decided to become Christian and what miracles has come upon her since then. but i did not listen. i mean, those are her own personal story and i am not easily moved by those. and since hearing them once did not help, a hundred times has lesser of an effect.
Today was different though. she did not guilt me into religion using my sisters and my it's-your-filial-duty-as-the-oldest-child tactic.
but she still told her story about that time with the pain of falling off the chair and hospitalizing and her arm fracturing and the crazed greedy doctors. i was not listening of course since i know this story like i know how to alphabetize.
i realize that the reason why i did not want to be in any religion was because of all those worshiping and praying that seems to be required by the religion.
in my mind, it's this:
a religion should be something that is sort of like a belief system developed by people to help guide people in knowing how to live life. like in buddhism, Sakyamuni or Gautama Buddha originally was just a person who tells people about his view on how people should take the middle path. of peace and love towards the self and humanity. people only started following him because his ideas and beliefs made sense as a sort of a guide to life. and eventually, people start to write them into books. and eventually, people started studying those books, idolizing him and eventually, he became worshiped without being asked to.
Other religions are similar as well. their bible is a guide to how to live life well.
can't we just learn from their books and lessons and ideas? so long as we love others and do the right thing, can't we live a good life without the need to pray and worship?
a good person would do a good deed but not expect any thanks in return.
a religion requires you to worship and give thanks to a god. what kind of god demands worship and thanks from those people then.
so i told my grandma this:
ok. so a god should be like a good parent.
you know, those that give undying love and affection and help no matter how wrong the child may be in their decisions. parents lead their children to do good things and avoid bad things.
parents are wonderful. they never demand thanks for what they do. usually, parenting is a thankless job. but if the child is grateful, learns from the parent and sees that the parent has done a wonderful job and realizes that all the things that they have is because that parent provided them for the child, then the child will automatically give thanks to that parent.
God should be like that. give love, no matter what. followers who knows of what god has given to them pray and worship god because they truly wish to do so and not because god demand them to do so.
and the moment i said that, i realize:
that's right, i don't think i have read anywhere that God DEMANDS to be thanked for all his deeds and be worshiped. no one is forced to do it. it's because he does think so. i got it all wrong this whole time.
grandma says: right! the big dude never said anything about you HAVING to worship him. it's just something people do because they are grateful for what has been given to them.
now how shall i conclude this then?
1. i have not given religion a chance.
2. if there is some entity that is really providing me with the things that i have now, i give thanks. really. i am grateful.
3. i'd be down to becoming Christian if it will help guide my sisters.
4. i'd be even more down to it if i can adjust from being an atheist for so many years.
5. i am still not sold to the idea of heaven. because what about those people who have lived lives that are basically good but are not allowed to heaven. that's just not fair then, right? and those that have sinned big time but because they are a believer, gets automatically forgiven because Jesus took their place. Dude, see, that's not fair to those people then. who have their own reason to live a life without a god/with another god but is basically following the similar principle of being GOOD.
6. and i don't really care for heaven or hell. there is really no telling what definitely happens when someone kicks the bucket. will there be a karmic effect on us? rebirth? judgement to go to heaven or hell? free pass to heaven? all goes to hell? one thing is for sure though, we go back to earth. that's when our body will be buried, or burned, or scattered or decomposing in muck. but in any case, we will become fertilizers for our mother earth. we'd make up the cells of plants and flowers, bugs and animals, microorganisms and maybe even just rocks and solid hunks and even pollution. whatever. So long as i am alive in this world at this time, i do my best to live and love others. i don't need the allure of going to heaven or be reincarnated as god or whatnot as a guide to live well/sin-lesser/with good actions/ etc.
gah. this is so controversial. i dont even know if i should post this entry.
i need to sleep though
1. How much I want to kick Mr.37 year old's ass right now. and
2. Why do I try to avoid being converted to Christianity so much. (this is not a bad thing, ok. right now, it's sort of an undecided thing but I have reached some sort of enlightenment in this subject.)
these 2 things just happened to happen on the same day.
I'll answer to #1 first.
Jomar called me at work today to, again, mourn about the loss of Wendy's affection towards him. This time, he had made it official. Jomar facebook-broke-up with her. It is a funny thing to mention because facebook break-ups are something that used to be laughable to me. but now that i see it. it kinds of give permission to other suitors to come and get wendy.
Enter Mr. 37 year old. He works for AT&T and has been Jomar's friends i guess until now because Wendy likes hanging out with him more. He's the reason why Jomar has been calling me on my phone, has been complaining about, crying about, angry about, shitting about.
He's the reason why My whole family has been in an uproar. and maybe he is the reason why wendy would abandon millie for.
if he does pursue a relationship with that man, she is sordidly making a big mistake. I mean, he is 37 year old. wendy is 18 years old. any man with any decency would know that she is too young. a 37 year old man like that would only want a younger woman to toy and fuck around with. at least, that is what i am assuming with this man since he is supposedly unmarried and has a jacuzzi in his house.
i know, i sound judgemental. and that is really because it is my sister we are dealing with here. people that she meets are ones that have fallen off the course of the path on the right, those that have veered off. a man like that only wants a young maiden to jizz at.
eventually, this will hurt wendy. i dont want to loose her.
according to mona though, although she would be broken, she wont loose us as long as we still accept her. that is the thing, we are family of course we will accept her. it's just really frustrating that she is not always at home so that we can confront her about it and that i don't know how to confront her about it.
i want to make her stop hanging out with her "friends" (they backstab and use her networking skills for free ride, free french fries, macdonalds and probably smokes and beer). i want to tell her that she is making a mistake for herself. that she is harming herself. that she should come back and go back to the right path with us. you know, not sleeping around with old people and having babies. what's scary is that i don't know what they are doing in their hang outs. there are the usual stuff like shopping and eating out. but there is also tons of under-aged drinking, smoking, and who knows, usage of pot, and maybe even worse, heroin. meth, crack...
what if she gets Baby #2 with that dude and, what, we are their baby sitters now? I have been baby sitting millie for the winter break and that has caused grandma to want to throw me out of her apartment. mom has been the one paying for the milk and diapers. judy has to shorten the time to hang out with friends so that she can baby sit too. dude. my mom is the one feeding the child and wendy goes and uses the money she earns from panda to do what? hang out and eat out with $7 ice creams. SHIT! although We love millie and don't mind taking care of her from time to time, we are also not baby sitters. ultimately, wendy should be responsible for her. (plus jomar but you know what i am talking about)
so what should i say. the advice i am given so far is this:
tell her to let her choose. will you abandon millie or hang out with that man. sure, we'll take care of millie from now on like she is our child. but if you ever have baby with that man though, she would be yours and yours to care of. we wont give financial support. so if he does not stay with you then, sorry. it's your responsibility. we told you so.
god. man. that is a tough ultimatum. but that's the thing. she never learned.
1. remember middle school. she hangs out with those kiddie gangs? this got her sent back to the philippines
2. remember back in philippines that she never comes home because she is at someone's house having fun? that got our parents to report her to baranggay (equivalent to the town mayor / local police) and got her in a cell (small prison. think like those in the sherriff's jail like in the old days with black and white films)
3. remember when she came back to the united states and started hanging out with city college kids? that got her knocked up. apparently, all her friends were getting knocked up too so it might have been the hip thing to do for a 17 year old at that time (come on, we get government money for milk and cereal, right? shit!)
4. and now she is sleeping over at Mr. 37 year old's house. what if they are fucking each other now. we'd definitely have another baby then.
there are 2 things that ran into my mind today and they are definitely bad ideas but what if i acted on either one of them:
1. adopt millie as my own
2. put on the pointiest stilletoes i can get my hands on. go to Market and 3rd st. in the AT&T store. Find Mr. 37 year old. kick his ass and when he is down, pulverize his penis with my stilletoes. while yelling. "If my sister get's pregnant, i will castrate you! my sister is only 17 when she got her first baby. we are poor. we dont need another baby you soddy shit head."
#2 would probably put me in jail and be slapped with a heavy fine. someone really needs to keep me away from market street!
it's not something i do but i admit, i had a breakdown at work today too. thanks to bathroom breaks, no one has to see it. And also i will have to thank whoever gave me this cold / bronchitis. it comes in handy to hide the fact that i am really torn up inside and all they think is that i am just showing symptoms of a bug. *snort*
Grandma and I sort of had a discussion about religion today and this lead me to the question #2.
in the past, she had been using my sisters as an approach to have be become converted.
" you should set an example to your sisters. bring them to church with you and surely they will become better kids."
and i thought, " why should i sacrifice my ideals (about religion) to parent my sisters. hell, i am not even the parent."
and my next thought is " shouldn't family be more important? it should not be your pride that prevents you from entering the house of god, right? if not, you are not giving religion a chance then. that is unfair."
and then the big question is: "what is so bad about becoming Christian? nothing! that's right. Nothing."
" shoots, i am being unfair is bad. i should sacrifice my pride for the good of my sisters then."
"but it seems that it may be unfaithful to myself."
while mulling over this in my head, grandma would be in the background, telling her story about how she decided to become Christian and what miracles has come upon her since then. but i did not listen. i mean, those are her own personal story and i am not easily moved by those. and since hearing them once did not help, a hundred times has lesser of an effect.
Today was different though. she did not guilt me into religion using my sisters and my it's-your-filial-duty-as-the-oldest-child tactic.
but she still told her story about that time with the pain of falling off the chair and hospitalizing and her arm fracturing and the crazed greedy doctors. i was not listening of course since i know this story like i know how to alphabetize.
i realize that the reason why i did not want to be in any religion was because of all those worshiping and praying that seems to be required by the religion.
in my mind, it's this:
a religion should be something that is sort of like a belief system developed by people to help guide people in knowing how to live life. like in buddhism, Sakyamuni or Gautama Buddha originally was just a person who tells people about his view on how people should take the middle path. of peace and love towards the self and humanity. people only started following him because his ideas and beliefs made sense as a sort of a guide to life. and eventually, people start to write them into books. and eventually, people started studying those books, idolizing him and eventually, he became worshiped without being asked to.
Other religions are similar as well. their bible is a guide to how to live life well.
can't we just learn from their books and lessons and ideas? so long as we love others and do the right thing, can't we live a good life without the need to pray and worship?
a good person would do a good deed but not expect any thanks in return.
a religion requires you to worship and give thanks to a god. what kind of god demands worship and thanks from those people then.
so i told my grandma this:
ok. so a god should be like a good parent.
you know, those that give undying love and affection and help no matter how wrong the child may be in their decisions. parents lead their children to do good things and avoid bad things.
parents are wonderful. they never demand thanks for what they do. usually, parenting is a thankless job. but if the child is grateful, learns from the parent and sees that the parent has done a wonderful job and realizes that all the things that they have is because that parent provided them for the child, then the child will automatically give thanks to that parent.
God should be like that. give love, no matter what. followers who knows of what god has given to them pray and worship god because they truly wish to do so and not because god demand them to do so.
and the moment i said that, i realize:
that's right, i don't think i have read anywhere that God DEMANDS to be thanked for all his deeds and be worshiped. no one is forced to do it. it's because he does think so. i got it all wrong this whole time.
grandma says: right! the big dude never said anything about you HAVING to worship him. it's just something people do because they are grateful for what has been given to them.
now how shall i conclude this then?
1. i have not given religion a chance.
2. if there is some entity that is really providing me with the things that i have now, i give thanks. really. i am grateful.
3. i'd be down to becoming Christian if it will help guide my sisters.
4. i'd be even more down to it if i can adjust from being an atheist for so many years.
5. i am still not sold to the idea of heaven. because what about those people who have lived lives that are basically good but are not allowed to heaven. that's just not fair then, right? and those that have sinned big time but because they are a believer, gets automatically forgiven because Jesus took their place. Dude, see, that's not fair to those people then. who have their own reason to live a life without a god/with another god but is basically following the similar principle of being GOOD.
6. and i don't really care for heaven or hell. there is really no telling what definitely happens when someone kicks the bucket. will there be a karmic effect on us? rebirth? judgement to go to heaven or hell? free pass to heaven? all goes to hell? one thing is for sure though, we go back to earth. that's when our body will be buried, or burned, or scattered or decomposing in muck. but in any case, we will become fertilizers for our mother earth. we'd make up the cells of plants and flowers, bugs and animals, microorganisms and maybe even just rocks and solid hunks and even pollution. whatever. So long as i am alive in this world at this time, i do my best to live and love others. i don't need the allure of going to heaven or be reincarnated as god or whatnot as a guide to live well/sin-lesser/with good actions/ etc.
gah. this is so controversial. i dont even know if i should post this entry.
i need to sleep though