so what do you do..?
well..... febuary 9th will be ben and i one year officialy. pretty gay huh?
*sigh* i don't know... he's just so lazy... and he refuses to talk about anything. adam and i tried realy hard the other night just to get him to open up atleast to himself and he refuses. he thinks burrying all your problems inside and ignoring them is a good solution. IDIOT. he's afraid and it's obvious and i swear if he doesn't wise up it'll come back to bite him in the ass. if he doesn't wise up i'm leaving. i love him, i realy do, with every piece of me but i just don't feel like it's mutual and i don't know how to change it. he lives for W.O.W. more than anything else and he's horrificly lazy. he refuses to do anything without a struggle and it's wearin' me out. can't i just be happy? i guess it's too much to ask. it realy is.
you know, it's funny. sometimes he notices how much love there is between my friends and i and he seems amazed. he allways tells me "man... those guys realy love you." (refering to kevin and corey usualy) and he has such an amazed and currious look on his face that it kind-of scares me. OFCOURSE they love me, i love them and we realy mean it. i thought he could even see that, but i think he's blocked love out of his life so much that he's having a hard time recognising it. that's just sad. i know his last relationship realy screwed him up but he refuses to deal with it so it's only going to get worse. and that sucks. and it's depressing. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it.
FUCK. man. i am so fucked.
i know being depressed isn't helping much, but i am so stressed out. i REALY want school to be over. i keep skipping class and school JUST started. that's bad. realy bad. and my job is shit, and i am broke, i am ALLWAYS broke. and i hate it, i hate everything about my situation so much but i don't know what to do. i can't just quit my job cause i hate it, but i have yet to find another job, despite how positive the interviews with all of them went... nothing. and that's shitty. i can't quit school, i am so close, but i hate it, but i realy owe it to myself to get it done, and i owe it to my parents, they've worked so hard for me to have this oppertunity, i can't let them down aswell. i can't change ben, and i don't know that i want to... it's just that he wasn't this lazy before, he realy wasn't. i don't know what happened. but he's never realy there anymore, we don't do anything together, just the 2 of us, we don't talk we don't fight, we don't have sex, we don't do anything. and it's shit. so whatever. fuck it all. hopefully something will get better someday.
love*ann
*sigh* i don't know... he's just so lazy... and he refuses to talk about anything. adam and i tried realy hard the other night just to get him to open up atleast to himself and he refuses. he thinks burrying all your problems inside and ignoring them is a good solution. IDIOT. he's afraid and it's obvious and i swear if he doesn't wise up it'll come back to bite him in the ass. if he doesn't wise up i'm leaving. i love him, i realy do, with every piece of me but i just don't feel like it's mutual and i don't know how to change it. he lives for W.O.W. more than anything else and he's horrificly lazy. he refuses to do anything without a struggle and it's wearin' me out. can't i just be happy? i guess it's too much to ask. it realy is.
you know, it's funny. sometimes he notices how much love there is between my friends and i and he seems amazed. he allways tells me "man... those guys realy love you." (refering to kevin and corey usualy) and he has such an amazed and currious look on his face that it kind-of scares me. OFCOURSE they love me, i love them and we realy mean it. i thought he could even see that, but i think he's blocked love out of his life so much that he's having a hard time recognising it. that's just sad. i know his last relationship realy screwed him up but he refuses to deal with it so it's only going to get worse. and that sucks. and it's depressing. and there isn't a damn thing i can do about it.
FUCK. man. i am so fucked.
i know being depressed isn't helping much, but i am so stressed out. i REALY want school to be over. i keep skipping class and school JUST started. that's bad. realy bad. and my job is shit, and i am broke, i am ALLWAYS broke. and i hate it, i hate everything about my situation so much but i don't know what to do. i can't just quit my job cause i hate it, but i have yet to find another job, despite how positive the interviews with all of them went... nothing. and that's shitty. i can't quit school, i am so close, but i hate it, but i realy owe it to myself to get it done, and i owe it to my parents, they've worked so hard for me to have this oppertunity, i can't let them down aswell. i can't change ben, and i don't know that i want to... it's just that he wasn't this lazy before, he realy wasn't. i don't know what happened. but he's never realy there anymore, we don't do anything together, just the 2 of us, we don't talk we don't fight, we don't have sex, we don't do anything. and it's shit. so whatever. fuck it all. hopefully something will get better someday.
love*ann