I need a feel-good movie.
My great Aunt died yesterday. Her funeral is on Sunday.
And this is the third funeral I'll have been to in a year, on just one side of my family. Two deaths were from old age and one was from cancer and I just don't think I can take this anymore.
The last time I went to St.Louis to visit I cried almost the whole way there and had to pull over at a gas station to calm down. Take a deep breath. And go on.
I've also realized that I can't say sorry anymore.
That no matter how many sorry's in the world, it cannot change anything.
"I'm sorry grandpa that grandma isn't here".
"I'm sorry mom that you had to die so young."
"I'm sorry that I was not there for you before you become so ill mom."
I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry at night and then wake up in the morning with a headache.
Truly, my life is very good besides this. I'm in a great relationship, have two jobs, and am going back to school for a career in science.
But sometimes a person just feels really weak. And this is one of those times for me.
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about my mom. I wish that I could call her. Hear her voice because it is soothing. I have this picture of her on my wall of when I was first born, in her arms, and my mom looked so beautiful in that picture.
I wish I could bring them back. I wish I could go back in time and relive those simple memories. I wish that death didn't come with a dose of lonliness for those who are still here.
And this is the third funeral I'll have been to in a year, on just one side of my family. Two deaths were from old age and one was from cancer and I just don't think I can take this anymore.
The last time I went to St.Louis to visit I cried almost the whole way there and had to pull over at a gas station to calm down. Take a deep breath. And go on.
I've also realized that I can't say sorry anymore.
That no matter how many sorry's in the world, it cannot change anything.
"I'm sorry grandpa that grandma isn't here".
"I'm sorry mom that you had to die so young."
"I'm sorry that I was not there for you before you become so ill mom."
I cry in the shower. I cry in the car. I cry at night and then wake up in the morning with a headache.
Truly, my life is very good besides this. I'm in a great relationship, have two jobs, and am going back to school for a career in science.
But sometimes a person just feels really weak. And this is one of those times for me.
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about my mom. I wish that I could call her. Hear her voice because it is soothing. I have this picture of her on my wall of when I was first born, in her arms, and my mom looked so beautiful in that picture.
I wish I could bring them back. I wish I could go back in time and relive those simple memories. I wish that death didn't come with a dose of lonliness for those who are still here.