Cabin Fever Part 3
Title: Cabin Fever Part 3
Pairing: Jakob Fuglsang/Alberto Contador
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Just my crazy imagination. Am making no profit whatsoever from this.
Warning: angst, language
Summary: Alberto Contador and Jakob Fuglsang hate each other. Andy knows this, but he wants his boyfriend and his best friend to get along. He’d do anything to make that happen. Alberto and Jakob would do anything for Andy. This leads to Andy thinking that keeping Alberto and Jakob together and isolated place, for a whole week, is a good idea. But little does Andy think about what happens when cabin fever kicks in…
A/N: Part three of the story follows the guys as they try to sort what happened and themselves out. Beware the long ramble, because the muses like to talk on and on as much as they like to do other things on and on.
MAIN VERSE MASTERPOST with links to all fics in chronological order.
Almost Day 4
There was no room in the small shower stall for both of them. Jakob regained his senses first and offered to help Alberto upstairs, but the Spaniard told him that he just couldn't stand. Jakob got up on unsteady legs and gave Alberto a concerned look, trying to asses if he'd hurt the other man badly in the uncontrolled enthusiasm of their coupling. Alberto saw worry in Jakob's eyes and waved it off, claiming that he only needed a moment to catch his breath.
Although reluctant to leave, Jakob went upstairs and washed himself quickly. He tried to save as much hot water as possible and not lose his footing on the tiles. His whole body hummed with satisfaction and his mind was completely blank. Jakob welcomed this with no small amount of surprise, feeling as though all of his thoughts and emotions had poured right out. He was completely at peace with himself and it amazed him, because all that had happened was unsettling to say the least.
Jakob dried himself as fast as he could, shivering his way to the bedroom and putting on a pair of sleeping pants. He hurried back downstairs, where it was much warmer and where... Jakob stopped, giving the room and astonished look.
“Oh, my god...,” the Dane murmured, shaking his head slowly. Alberto came into view, wrapped in a blanket and limping gingerly around the debris on the floor.
“Quite a mess, huh?” he gave Jakob a tired grin.
“I did that?!”
“WE did that, Jakob,” Alberto raised his hand and squeezed Jakob's shoulder, passing by him on his slow trek to the shower.
“Wow...,”Jakob shuddered when all the details of him trashing the place came back.
“We'll clean up in the morning, don't worry about it,” Alberto called from the foot of the stairs.
Jakob turned around and saw the Spaniard climb one step at a time. He was holding onto the railing with one hand and the blanket slipped off his shoulder, revealing four angry scratch marks. Jakob cringed and swallowed painfully.
“Hey, are you alright?” he asked, voice low and full of anxiety.
“Yeah, is there some reason why I shouldn't be?” Alberto looked over his shoulder and tried to give Jakob a reassuring smile. It was full of cracks and Jakob saw right through them.
“You're just... it looks like you're in pain. I guess we... I wasn't gentle and...,” Jakob stumbled with the words. He looked away from Alberto's face and followed him.
“Come on, I'm not made of glass and I like it rough, you saw that. I don't mind this kind of discomfort, so don't start worrying about it, OK? Jakob, what are you doing?” Alberto frowned when he saw Jakob walking after him.
“I'm... let me help you clean up.”
“No!” Alberto snapped in response, making Jakob recoil and stop on the first step. “No, it's alright. I'm fine. Seriously, stop thinking about such stuff and go to bed.”
Jakob blinked in surprise, smarting more than he cared to admit from being rejected so abruptly. Alberto seemed to dismiss him as well, turning his back on Jakob and pulling the blanket tighter around himself. The Spaniard disappeared from view and Jakob stood there, staring blindly after him, until he heard the bathroom door open and close. He sighed and returned to the disaster area, giving the upturned table a dejected look.
Alberto leaned against the bathroom door and grit his teeth, trying with all his might to control himself and keep a lid on all the conflicting emotions boiling inside him. His knees threatened to fold but sitting was not an option, so Alberto stumbled into the shower. He put the water on and set the temperature to bearably cold, supporting himself against the tiled walls while water trickled over his bruises and his sores. Alberto smiled bitterly, thinking how grateful he'd be if some momentary physical discomfort were the only damage Jakob had inflicted upon him. No such luck, though.
Alberto shook his head and grabbed the soap, hissing when he began washing himself and it stung. But he scrubbed himself clean and rinsed himself with scalding water that made him light-headed and about to faint.
For the better part of fifteen minutes Alberto held onto the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He wiped the surface every time steam obscured his reflection and he stared down the confused, frightened and unhappy man he saw there.
He drew slow, even breaths and struggled to calm himself. One by one, he pulled the shutters over each unwanted thought that glared at him from the mirror. What was done was done and nothing would undo it. In the end, it had been only a matter of time before he and Jakob ended up where they'd ended up. If it brought misery and drama along with the intense satisfaction Alberto couldn't deny, then so be it. He would think about it some other time.
When he felt himself growing cold, both inside and out, Alberto decided that he could stop glaring at himself. He wrapped a towel around his waist and grinned at the colorful array of love-bites he sported all over his upper body. It had been one of the best-if not the best-lay he'd ever had. The most reckless and enthusiastic one, to say the least. Alberto's grin broadened. There was a good thought, definitely worth holding onto.
He padded down the stairs in a much better mood, actually amused by the insane turn of events and how things had progressed from violent to lustful. It consoled Alberto somewhat, that Jakob was crazier than him. However, some of Alberto's amusement faded when he saw Jakob seemingly asleep on the couch, nestled comfortably on a freshly made bed. He'd refueled the fire and warmth poured from the fireplace, along with the comforting smell of burning wood. But if Jakob had taken over the couch, Alberto had no option except the bedroom upstairs.
“Fair enough,” the Spaniard whispered to himself, resigned to spending the following hours alone and cold, with nothing but dark thoughts for company. He felt it was rather fitting.
Trying to make as little noise as possible, Alberto searched through his belongings for a pair of pajama bottoms and a shirt. He put the pants on and spread the towel on the rocker, before tiptoeing away. He didn't notice that Jakob wasn't asleep but looking at him intently, from beneath lowered eyelids.
“Alberto, wait...,”Jakob called after Alberto's retreating back.
“Jakob? You're not asleep?” the Spaniard started and whirled around.
“No, not yet. I'm too full of energy. Makes sense, though, all we do here is eat and sleep,” the Dane replied quickly, for the sake of something to say.
Alberto gave him a small smile.
“Not quite all we've done. But I know what you mean. I'm exhausted but wide awake, too.”
“Were you going upstairs?”
“Doesn't look like I have much choice and, although I hate to admit it, I really need to lie down.”
“Ah, sorry,” Jakob smiled, apology in his eyes. But he didn't move out of Alberto's sleeping place. “What about the 'no escape route'?” he asked the Spaniard instead.
“Oh, I think escape is out of the question now,” Alberto replied with a sigh. He gave Jakob a meaningful look before turning around and heading for the stairs.
“Good night, Jakob.”
“Alberto, wait!”
They said at the same time.
“Please, wait,” Jakob added.
“Why?”
“Come here. Stay with me.”
Alberto looked back at the man on the couch with a mixture of surprise and confusion.
“Why?”
“Don't walk away like nothing happened.”
'We had sex and that's it. Don't tell me you want to cuddle,' the mean and nasty part of Alberto wanted to lash out, but he kept his mouth shut. He did more than that, in fact, because his feet carried him to where Jakob lay down and looked at him with such warm, pleading eyes.
“Why do you want me to stay with you, Jakob?”
“I just... please?” Jakob had a number of reasons just bubbling to be spoken, but all of them unsettled him to no end and he bit his tongue in the effort to shut up.
Alberto seemed to read right through him, because his shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes, a faint smile tugging the corners of his mouth.
“Alright,” he gave in. Alberto wanted to slap himself for how gladly he'd taken up the offer, but it was something better left for another day.
“There's no room in there for both of us,” he told Jakob.
“We can manage,” the Dane smiled, scooting back into the couch and making a little bit of space for Alberto to sit on.
“Do you make a good mattress?” Alberto eyed Jakob with a smirk.
“I don't know, come here and find out,” Jakob pulled back the blankets and looked up expectantly.
The Spaniard lowered himself at Jakob's side, wincing and chuckling at the same time. With some help and some shuffling around, he managed to lie down on his stomach, half draped over Jakob. Alberto sighed and rested his head on Jakob's chest, putting his hand just above Jakob's heart.
“Comfortable?” the Dane asked softly.
“Yes, but what about you?”
“I'm good,” Jakob replied with a smile Alberto didn't see, but he heard it in his voice. Jakob wrapped his arms around Alberto, holding him tight.
“Are you trying to smother me? Will you kill me in my sleep?” Alberto inquired only half jokingly.
“I might, if you keep saying stuff like that... although, my god, Alberto, what the fuck happened to me today? I can't... I don't know what the hell got into me, but I can't believe I actually came after you with a knife!”
Alberto laughed softly and patted Jakob's chest.
“You were pretty crazy. Scared me for a moment there.”
“You didn't seem very scared.”
“Well, I was, just a little bit. But, for what it's worth, I never thought you'd actually hurt me.”
“Good, because I'd never... I wouldn't have stabbed you, no matter how mad I got,” Jakob sighed.
“Oooh, but you did stab me. Repeatedly,” Alberto grinned, more than happy to move the exchange along the beaten track of all their exchanges. With a little effort, they could make snarky fun of things and avoid the serious stuff altogether
Jakob felt Alberto's lips curve into a grin against his skin and reacted in like manner.
“Well, you were asking for it, Alberto.”
“Yes, I was and thank you for playing along with such... enthusiasm.”
“I couldn't help it. You drive me crazy,” Jakob tightened his hold on Alberto for a moment. “Seriously, Alberto, you drive me right out of my mind, one way or another. There's nothing for it, no other explanation for how out of control I've become.”
“I'm sorry?” the Spaniard offered.
“No, you're not. For all I know, you planned all this.”
Alberto would have risen to glare at Jakob if he weren't so tired and so effectively held in place.
“You give me too much credit. I planned nothing past trying to survive this week. In fact, I was doing my best to avoid this, Jakob.”
It hurt to hear Alberto saying that and Jakob bit his lip hard, trying to swallow the disappointment.
“But I can't fight you and now you know it,” Alberto added, sensing Jakob's relief in the way his heart somersaulted erratically beneath his palm. “I guess you broke me,” he concluded, echoing something that Jakob had said to him countless times.
“Don't say that...,” Jakob protested feebly. His first thought was that he'd broken Alberto physically but then he realized what the Spaniard meant. He was broken like Jakob had been broken and they'd successfully lodged themselves deep in each other's minds. It was strangely comforting.
“It's OK, Jakob,” Alberto moved his fingers in soothing circles on Jakob's skin. “I mean, it's not OK, we're both completely fucked up, but it's only fair that we should be in the same boat.”
“Oh, I think you're a little more fucked than I am right now,” Jakob laughed, shaking Alberto's head as he did so.
“Very funny, Jakob,” the Spaniard replied dryly, but he was also grinning. He raised his head and pressed a little kiss on the warm skin his cheek was resting on. It made Jakob shiver and tighten his hold on Alberto.
“Just so you know, I'll be returning the favor... and soon,” Alberto gave the younger man what might have passed for a warning look, if he weren't grinning wolfishly as he spoke. He saw Jakob's eyebrows rising in wonder and there was definitely challenge in the way Jakob grinned back. “Just not right now,” the Spaniard sighed, making himself comfortable on the warm Danish pillow. “I need a little break. This robot has to recharge its batteries before facing you again.”
Alberto was joking, but Jakob's smile faded, instantly replaced by grimace of shame. He remembered how he'd insulted Alberto, making things between them degenerate to blows.
“Alberto... I'm sorry,” he said in a barely audible voice.
“Hmm?”
“I just... dammit! I remembered what I said to you when I was crazy.”
“Doesn't temporary insanity excuse anything you might have said?” Alberto tried to keep thinks light and avoid such unpleasant recollections.
“Yes... no! No, there is no excuse. I shouldn't have said... Alberto, I don't think you're ugly!”
The Spaniard said nothing but Jakob felt his jaw tightening.
“That was a cheap shot and a lie and I'm sorry.”
“Forget it. It doesn't matter now. I got mad, I punched you although I wish I hadn't, but you deserved it and now all of that is water under the bridge, alright?”
“I hope so,” Jakob sighed.
“Come on, don't make such a big deal out of it. You've said worse things to me, remember?” Alberto mentally smacked himself, because it wasn't the thing to say if he wanted Jakob to drop the matter.
“Oh, god.... Yeah, I did. I'm such a bastard, but at least I shouldn't be a liar as well,” Jakob ran a hand over his face, before returning it to Alberto's bare shoulder. “The truth is, I find you...”
“Fucking irresistible?” Alberto supplied, because it was getting awkward and it all sounded like a conversation they weren't supposed to be having.
“Exactly. That's the exact word for it. You... I can't stop myself, Alberto, you know that. I can't hold back, whether it's being a bastard or.... or wanting you. I just lose control and you... you know what you are. I don't have to sing you praises,” Jakob stopped talking. He felt increasingly uncomfortable and wished he'd never brought it up. He did owe Alberto an apology, but saying stuff like that to the guy was weird to say the least.
“Jakob... Jakob,” Alberto raised his head and gave the Dane a warm, slightly amused look. “It's OK. You can stop saying you're sorry. I get it and I know it probably hurts worse than having your teeth pulled. But I appreciate it. Besides, it's not so much what you say, but what you do that counts. And you've shown me what effect I have on you, so...”
“You could sound less condescending about it!” Jakob cut in.
“Condescending?”
“Er... arrogant,” Jakob offered the Spaniard the closest equivalent, not to the English word that Alberto didn't know, but to what Alberto sounded like when he rambled self-righteously.
“I'm not being arrogant. Well, maybe I am, a little. But I've earned the right to be arrogant. It's not everyday that I drive a guy like you completely wild.”
“A guy like me?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don't.”
“Come on...”
“Alberto!”
“Look, I'm not ready to trade insults for compliments. Not yet. Give me a moment. All of this is too much and too fast, OK? But it's not a mystery how attracted I am to you, even when you're trying to kill me. That says a lot, right?”
“You're crazy...,” Jakob laughed, hugging Alberto tight and petting his shoulder.
“Yes, so are you. We've already established that,” Alberto smiled, happy to be held like that and quite unsettled by it.
“Tell me when you're ready to stop insulting me. It'll be a refreshing change.”
“Will you do the same for me?”
“I'll try, Alberto. But I can't promise anything. Trading barbs with you is fun.”
“Yeah, I kind of like it, too. Although I have to say you're far more beautiful when you're happy and you smile, than when you're glaring and frowning and saying hateful things to me.”
Jakob shook his head, grinning wryly. He ran his fingers over Alberto's neck and his back in a feathery caress.
“Let me tell you a little secret...,” he said. “Most of the bark is just that, barking. I don't mean most of the stupid things I say to you.”
“I know that,” Alberto smiled and rubbed his cheek against Jakob's skin. “You're not nearly as vile and as mean as you pretend. That's why I could never really hate you, not even when you really deserved it.”
“Wait... you... you don't hate me?” Jakob inquired, his voice high and full of surprise.
“Er, I thought that's pretty obvious,” Alberto tried not to laugh. Their exchange was becoming ridiculous.
“No. No, it isn't. Nothing about you is obvious. I can never tell what's going on in that head of yours.”
“Well, good. But there's not a lot of mystery left now. The thing is... I don't hate you at all, Jakob. The attraction was always there... I mean, who isn't attracted to you? Then I was intrigued when you started our thing, over the phone, and you couldn't or didn't want to stop, even if it put us both in a lot of trouble. I didn't want to, but I became interested, no, I became fascinated by you. And now you're really messing with my head, holding me like this. I thought you'd just turn the other way and treat what happened tonight like nothing more than sex.”
“But... it is more than sex...,” Jakob trailed off, taken aback by Alberto's confession and how much it must have cost him to make it. Jakob didn't feel nearly so brave or loquacious. He stared into the flames and tried to absorb what he'd heard. He wanted to say something equally meaningful but what? And, more importantly, what could he do to back up such words? What had they gotten themselves into?
Alberto closed his eyes and relaxed against Jakob's chest. He felt much lighter, although he wasn't supposed to be relieved or comfortable. He was still in the arms of someone he couldn't trust and showing such vulnerability would surely backfire, but getting rid of so many bottled-up feelings was good. The ball, as they said, was in the other guy’s court. All Alberto had to do was ready himself for whatever Jakob decided to throw back. He didn't expect anything good, but then, there had been so few good things between them that amazing sex and cuddling after it couldn't make up for. Alberto sighed and closed his eyes, letting Jakob's heartbeat lull him into a semi-conscious state.
Silence seemed to stretch out forever and Jakob wondered whether Alberto had fallen asleep. He wouldn't put it past the Spaniard to just drop a bomb and then conveniently nod off. On one hand, Jakob wanted the talking to stop, but having Alberto shut up was only part of the problem. Jakob's own thoughts weren't so easy to silence.
“Alberto?”
“Mmm?”
“Are you asleep?”
“Almost. You're not. Should I get off? Your arm must be numb by now.”
“No, it's not,” Jakob demonstrated by running the hand in question over Alberto's back. “Don't move, unless you're uncomfortable.”
Alberto smiled, nuzzling Jakob's skin and thinking that uncomfortable was the furthest thing from describing what he felt like.
“Since when do we care so much about each other's comfort?” he asked.
“I don't know,” Jakob whispered. “But it looks like we do. Maybe after attacking each other?”
“Could be,” Alberto agreed, wishing that they didn't have to get into that again.
“I have a better question, Alberto. What the hell is going on with us?”
“I don't know,” it was Alberto's turn to whisper, after a long moment of silence. “I have no idea and I'm completely thrown off.”
“Me too. You know, it's funny. I used to think that if I could have you... if I could fuck you just once, it would put an end to the madness and I'd get over it. You've been feeding my obsession and I should have struggled against it, but I wanted you more and more each time. It's so wrong and I hoped that having you like I had you tonight would...”
“Heal you?” Alberto interrupted, unwilling to hear Jakob say such things, even if he didn't say anything that Alberto hadn't already thought of.
“Ha! There is no cure for what I've got. I realize that now. If wanting you is a disease, my days are numbered, Alberto.”
Although the choice of words was awful and one of the worst things Alberto had ever been at the receiving end of, he tried not to show how much it affected him.
“Well, if it's any consolation, I will wait for you in hell. Because whatever you've got, I have it worse and you're right, there is no cure,” he said.
The finality in Alberto's words hurt worse than any physical blow Jakob had received from the Spaniard. It must have been the most horrible confession or declaration or whatever the hell it was that anyone had ever heard. There was no way Jakob could leave things at that.
“No!” he cried out in protest. “Alberto, just… no!”
“What?” Alberto lifted his head and blinked wearily.
“Get up,” Jakob moved beneath the Spaniard, motioning him to rise. “Come on, get off me.”
Alberto didn’t feel much like doing that, but he obeyed the command and moved away from Jakob’s warmth. He stood next to the couch, giving Jakob an apprehensive look. The Dane shuffled beneath the blankets and lay on his side, head propped on one hand. He’d made enough room for Alberto to stay in the same position.
“Now come back here,” Jakob patted the empty space, holding the covers up for Alberto. “No, not with your back to me,” he shook his head, when Alberto made to sit back down. “I want to see your face.”
“Jakob, do we have to do this? It’s weird,” Alberto frowned, but complied, lying on his side and resting his head on his folded arm. Beneath the blankets, Jakob put one arm around his waist and pulled him closer.
“Yes, we have to do this!” Jakob frowned, fixing Alberto with a hard look that showed how serious he was. “Listen, I refuse to believe that I’m sick and insane, OK?”
“Okay?” Alberto repeated the question, wondering the point was.
“I don’t have a name for what is going on with both of us, but I refuse to believe it’s a disease!” Jakob became a little more worked up with each word.
“But you called it that!”
“No, I said that I’m doomed if it were a disease, but it’s not!” Jakob glared, daring Alberto to say otherwise.
The Spaniard closed his eyes and smiled to himself, making Jakob ask him why he did that, why was he smiling in that all-knowing way?!
“Jakob, calm down. You’re right, I agree with you. And you know why?” Alberto raised his hand and ran his fingers over the injured side of Jakob’s face in a very gentle caress. “It’s because something so strong, that feels so good just can’t be wrong,” he said in a soft voice, his eyes never leaving Jakob’s.
“Alberto…”
“I mean it, Jakob.”
Alberto’s hand slipped from Jakob’s face and was momentarily crushed between then, when Jakob leaned forward and kissed him.
“This feels good,” Jakob whispered on Alberto’s lips.
“Yes,” the Spaniard whispered back, smiling when Jakob pulled back with a soft smile of his own.
“This feels good too,” Jakob moved his hand up Alberto’s arm, on his shoulder and up his neck. He stroked Alberto’s cheek with his thumb and gave him another soft kiss.
“Yes it does,” Alberto agreed, aware how easy it was to let himself be seduced by those little displays of tenderness.
“What do I do with you?” Jakob seemed to be asking himself, rather than Alberto.
“What do you want to do with me?”
“What do you want me to do with you?”
They both snorted after that exchange, rolling their eyes at each other.
“Well, that helped a lot,” Alberto concluded with a wry grin.
“Yeah, but the fact remains, we’re still in a fix. And I’m thinking…” Jakob hesitated.
“What?”
“Oh, I may be very sorry for saying this but… what if we’re just being blind and foolish and ignorant and stubborn?”
Alberto’s eyebrow rose in an expression that said they were both at least some of those things, if not all.
“And…?”
“And… I know you don’t trust me and you’ll probably think that I’m trying to make stuff up just to screw with you…” Jakob stopped for breath and to squeeze Alberto’s shoulder, because the Spaniard looked like Jakob was doing precisely what he claimed he wasn’t doing.
“Look, you scare the hell out of me and the last thing I ever wanted was to end up here, but… Alberto… what if this is much more than sex and messing with each other?” Jakob finally asked, although it was obvious that he’d chosen his words to imply what he meant, rather than outright saying it.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Alberto gave Jakob a shrewd look, after a taking a moment to consider.
“Damn right I am! You’d better be serious too. Because if you’re not and this is all a game to you… if all you’re aiming for is to manipulate and destroy me, then you’re just not human!”
Cold emptiness settled in the pit of Alberto’s stomach and he looked at Jakob with big, sad eyes. How many times had he been told that, only to have whoever had said it apologize a million worthless times? Didn’t they know that every time he heard that, it made Alberto wish he were an emotion-free machine more and more?
A moment later, Jakob lowered his eyes and sighed an apology. He wrapped his arm around Alberto and leaned closer to him, kissing Alberto’s temple and whispering ‘I’m sorry’ again.
“It’s OK, Jakob. You have every reason in the world to be suspicious and not trust me. That’s mostly my own doing and I can’t blame you, so you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Alberto spoke softly, trying to make Jakob sit back. He was too close and kissing him until they both forgot their own names looked like a very tempting option to Alberto. It was so much easier to get along with Jakob when he did other things with his mouth than speaking…
“It’s not OK. A lot of things are not OK,” Jakob said, lying back, but only after he’d given Alberto another one of those unsettling kisses.
“I know,” Alberto frowned. “But I can’t deal with all that right now.”
“You need some time to raise your defenses and prepare yourself?” Jakob matched the frown.
“You don’t?”
“Of course I do. But maybe I’m tired of doing that over and over again. Maybe I don’t want to find myself excuses for what I do with you. I’m tired of fighting, Alberto,” Jakob sighed and averted his eyes. It wasn’t easy to admit, but that dejected look on Alberto’s face a minute before had told Jakob that maybe he shouldn’t be so afraid of the guy.
“So am I,” Alberto nodded slowly. “But what else can we do but fight? What else do we know?”
“Well, look at us now. And before, when it was so good. You said it yourself. Maybe we can try to really get along.”
“Is this how we should be getting along?” Alberto replied with a wry grin. Beneath the blankets, he moved closer to Jakob and slipped one of his legs between Jakob’s. “How do you suppose this is going to work?”
“I have no idea,” Jakob exhaled in response. “But there’s no going back to how we were before, that much I’m sure of.”
“Right. Jakob?”
“Yes?”
“Have you thought about how much you stand to lose by doing this?”
Jakob would have looked into Alberto’s eyes when he answered, but he couldn’t, because the Spaniard had moved so close he was practically plastered against him. Alberto’s breath on Jakob’s skin sent shivers down his spine.
“I’ve thought about it every time I’ve talked to you. And every time I remember you. And every time somebody mentions your name. I know that WE could both lose everything and that we’re all but living a double life, but can I stop it? Obviously not. Can you?”
“Obviously not. We’re both here and I don’t think you found much opposition in me when push came to shove,” Alberto’s grinned against Jakob’s neck, feeling his laughter as well as hearing it.
“So now what?”
“I don’t know. You’re suggesting that we should keep doing this. Even knowing that it will only get us further and deeper into trouble,” Alberto said.
“I don’t think we have much choice. We’re stuck here for another four days and I don’t think I can ignore you. I couldn’t even when we weren’t… oh, hell, I was so pissed off that you weren’t speaking to me today…”
“Hmmm, so I should not give you the silent treatment again? Unless I want you to blow a fuse and shoot me down, or something.”
“You could shut up right now,” Jakob suggested. He pried Alberto away from him and kissed him, not so softly this time. It made his jaw and lip ache, but it was alright.
“Will you do that if I keep saying mean things?” Alberto grinned.
“I will say mean things back and then kiss you. How about that? Do we have a deal?” Jakob smiled teasingly.
“I can live with that,” Alberto replied in like manner, although how long he would live with that was another matter altogether.
“OK. Meanwhile… will you at least think about it?”
“About what?”
“About us, Alberto…”
“There is ‘us’?”
”Oh, screw you! There is, now,” Jakob felt like squeezing the breath right out of the annoying guy.
“If you say so…”
“Jesus, Alberto, don’t be so difficult. Not now. We’re in this together, didn’t you tell me that before?”
“Sure looks that way…, ” Alberto drawled, amused by the raise it got out of Jakob.
“Please?!”
“Alright, alright. We’ll talk about everything tomorrow. We’ve got ample of time for it, anyway. Just let me enjoy the way we are right now. Let me be close to you and not worry about anything. Can I have that?” Alberto gave Jakob a very convincing version of the puppy eyes.
“Oh,” Jakob breathed, rendered speechless. He hugged Alberto as close as he could with one arm and kissed the top of his head. “Do you want to sleep?”
“Honestly?”
“Yeah?”
“No. I want to do something else,” Alberto replied. He moved his knee up the inside of Jakob’s thighs, in wordless suggestion.
“But…”
“We might as well…”
“But you said you needed to recover and you’re not in any shape to…”
“Hey, I might not be in any shape to be fucked again, but you are…,” Alberto looked up at Jakob’s gaping face with a grin full of teeth.
“Oh… hmm. l…”
“Is that a ’no’, Jakob?”
“No,” Jakob sighed in defeat, but he was already smiling in anticipation.
“Good. We’re going to hell anyway, so we might as well make it a fun ride.”
Jakob had no argument against that. He pulled Alberto flush against him and rolled on his back, kissing Alberto and welcoming him to do what he did best. Thinking and worrying could wait awhile.
Pairing: Jakob Fuglsang/Alberto Contador
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Just my crazy imagination. Am making no profit whatsoever from this.
Warning: angst, language
Summary: Alberto Contador and Jakob Fuglsang hate each other. Andy knows this, but he wants his boyfriend and his best friend to get along. He’d do anything to make that happen. Alberto and Jakob would do anything for Andy. This leads to Andy thinking that keeping Alberto and Jakob together and isolated place, for a whole week, is a good idea. But little does Andy think about what happens when cabin fever kicks in…
A/N: Part three of the story follows the guys as they try to sort what happened and themselves out. Beware the long ramble, because the muses like to talk on and on as much as they like to do other things on and on.
MAIN VERSE MASTERPOST with links to all fics in chronological order.
Almost Day 4
There was no room in the small shower stall for both of them. Jakob regained his senses first and offered to help Alberto upstairs, but the Spaniard told him that he just couldn't stand. Jakob got up on unsteady legs and gave Alberto a concerned look, trying to asses if he'd hurt the other man badly in the uncontrolled enthusiasm of their coupling. Alberto saw worry in Jakob's eyes and waved it off, claiming that he only needed a moment to catch his breath.
Although reluctant to leave, Jakob went upstairs and washed himself quickly. He tried to save as much hot water as possible and not lose his footing on the tiles. His whole body hummed with satisfaction and his mind was completely blank. Jakob welcomed this with no small amount of surprise, feeling as though all of his thoughts and emotions had poured right out. He was completely at peace with himself and it amazed him, because all that had happened was unsettling to say the least.
Jakob dried himself as fast as he could, shivering his way to the bedroom and putting on a pair of sleeping pants. He hurried back downstairs, where it was much warmer and where... Jakob stopped, giving the room and astonished look.
“Oh, my god...,” the Dane murmured, shaking his head slowly. Alberto came into view, wrapped in a blanket and limping gingerly around the debris on the floor.
“Quite a mess, huh?” he gave Jakob a tired grin.
“I did that?!”
“WE did that, Jakob,” Alberto raised his hand and squeezed Jakob's shoulder, passing by him on his slow trek to the shower.
“Wow...,”Jakob shuddered when all the details of him trashing the place came back.
“We'll clean up in the morning, don't worry about it,” Alberto called from the foot of the stairs.
Jakob turned around and saw the Spaniard climb one step at a time. He was holding onto the railing with one hand and the blanket slipped off his shoulder, revealing four angry scratch marks. Jakob cringed and swallowed painfully.
“Hey, are you alright?” he asked, voice low and full of anxiety.
“Yeah, is there some reason why I shouldn't be?” Alberto looked over his shoulder and tried to give Jakob a reassuring smile. It was full of cracks and Jakob saw right through them.
“You're just... it looks like you're in pain. I guess we... I wasn't gentle and...,” Jakob stumbled with the words. He looked away from Alberto's face and followed him.
“Come on, I'm not made of glass and I like it rough, you saw that. I don't mind this kind of discomfort, so don't start worrying about it, OK? Jakob, what are you doing?” Alberto frowned when he saw Jakob walking after him.
“I'm... let me help you clean up.”
“No!” Alberto snapped in response, making Jakob recoil and stop on the first step. “No, it's alright. I'm fine. Seriously, stop thinking about such stuff and go to bed.”
Jakob blinked in surprise, smarting more than he cared to admit from being rejected so abruptly. Alberto seemed to dismiss him as well, turning his back on Jakob and pulling the blanket tighter around himself. The Spaniard disappeared from view and Jakob stood there, staring blindly after him, until he heard the bathroom door open and close. He sighed and returned to the disaster area, giving the upturned table a dejected look.
Alberto leaned against the bathroom door and grit his teeth, trying with all his might to control himself and keep a lid on all the conflicting emotions boiling inside him. His knees threatened to fold but sitting was not an option, so Alberto stumbled into the shower. He put the water on and set the temperature to bearably cold, supporting himself against the tiled walls while water trickled over his bruises and his sores. Alberto smiled bitterly, thinking how grateful he'd be if some momentary physical discomfort were the only damage Jakob had inflicted upon him. No such luck, though.
Alberto shook his head and grabbed the soap, hissing when he began washing himself and it stung. But he scrubbed himself clean and rinsed himself with scalding water that made him light-headed and about to faint.
For the better part of fifteen minutes Alberto held onto the sink and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He wiped the surface every time steam obscured his reflection and he stared down the confused, frightened and unhappy man he saw there.
He drew slow, even breaths and struggled to calm himself. One by one, he pulled the shutters over each unwanted thought that glared at him from the mirror. What was done was done and nothing would undo it. In the end, it had been only a matter of time before he and Jakob ended up where they'd ended up. If it brought misery and drama along with the intense satisfaction Alberto couldn't deny, then so be it. He would think about it some other time.
When he felt himself growing cold, both inside and out, Alberto decided that he could stop glaring at himself. He wrapped a towel around his waist and grinned at the colorful array of love-bites he sported all over his upper body. It had been one of the best-if not the best-lay he'd ever had. The most reckless and enthusiastic one, to say the least. Alberto's grin broadened. There was a good thought, definitely worth holding onto.
He padded down the stairs in a much better mood, actually amused by the insane turn of events and how things had progressed from violent to lustful. It consoled Alberto somewhat, that Jakob was crazier than him. However, some of Alberto's amusement faded when he saw Jakob seemingly asleep on the couch, nestled comfortably on a freshly made bed. He'd refueled the fire and warmth poured from the fireplace, along with the comforting smell of burning wood. But if Jakob had taken over the couch, Alberto had no option except the bedroom upstairs.
“Fair enough,” the Spaniard whispered to himself, resigned to spending the following hours alone and cold, with nothing but dark thoughts for company. He felt it was rather fitting.
Trying to make as little noise as possible, Alberto searched through his belongings for a pair of pajama bottoms and a shirt. He put the pants on and spread the towel on the rocker, before tiptoeing away. He didn't notice that Jakob wasn't asleep but looking at him intently, from beneath lowered eyelids.
“Alberto, wait...,”Jakob called after Alberto's retreating back.
“Jakob? You're not asleep?” the Spaniard started and whirled around.
“No, not yet. I'm too full of energy. Makes sense, though, all we do here is eat and sleep,” the Dane replied quickly, for the sake of something to say.
Alberto gave him a small smile.
“Not quite all we've done. But I know what you mean. I'm exhausted but wide awake, too.”
“Were you going upstairs?”
“Doesn't look like I have much choice and, although I hate to admit it, I really need to lie down.”
“Ah, sorry,” Jakob smiled, apology in his eyes. But he didn't move out of Alberto's sleeping place. “What about the 'no escape route'?” he asked the Spaniard instead.
“Oh, I think escape is out of the question now,” Alberto replied with a sigh. He gave Jakob a meaningful look before turning around and heading for the stairs.
“Good night, Jakob.”
“Alberto, wait!”
They said at the same time.
“Please, wait,” Jakob added.
“Why?”
“Come here. Stay with me.”
Alberto looked back at the man on the couch with a mixture of surprise and confusion.
“Why?”
“Don't walk away like nothing happened.”
'We had sex and that's it. Don't tell me you want to cuddle,' the mean and nasty part of Alberto wanted to lash out, but he kept his mouth shut. He did more than that, in fact, because his feet carried him to where Jakob lay down and looked at him with such warm, pleading eyes.
“Why do you want me to stay with you, Jakob?”
“I just... please?” Jakob had a number of reasons just bubbling to be spoken, but all of them unsettled him to no end and he bit his tongue in the effort to shut up.
Alberto seemed to read right through him, because his shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes, a faint smile tugging the corners of his mouth.
“Alright,” he gave in. Alberto wanted to slap himself for how gladly he'd taken up the offer, but it was something better left for another day.
“There's no room in there for both of us,” he told Jakob.
“We can manage,” the Dane smiled, scooting back into the couch and making a little bit of space for Alberto to sit on.
“Do you make a good mattress?” Alberto eyed Jakob with a smirk.
“I don't know, come here and find out,” Jakob pulled back the blankets and looked up expectantly.
The Spaniard lowered himself at Jakob's side, wincing and chuckling at the same time. With some help and some shuffling around, he managed to lie down on his stomach, half draped over Jakob. Alberto sighed and rested his head on Jakob's chest, putting his hand just above Jakob's heart.
“Comfortable?” the Dane asked softly.
“Yes, but what about you?”
“I'm good,” Jakob replied with a smile Alberto didn't see, but he heard it in his voice. Jakob wrapped his arms around Alberto, holding him tight.
“Are you trying to smother me? Will you kill me in my sleep?” Alberto inquired only half jokingly.
“I might, if you keep saying stuff like that... although, my god, Alberto, what the fuck happened to me today? I can't... I don't know what the hell got into me, but I can't believe I actually came after you with a knife!”
Alberto laughed softly and patted Jakob's chest.
“You were pretty crazy. Scared me for a moment there.”
“You didn't seem very scared.”
“Well, I was, just a little bit. But, for what it's worth, I never thought you'd actually hurt me.”
“Good, because I'd never... I wouldn't have stabbed you, no matter how mad I got,” Jakob sighed.
“Oooh, but you did stab me. Repeatedly,” Alberto grinned, more than happy to move the exchange along the beaten track of all their exchanges. With a little effort, they could make snarky fun of things and avoid the serious stuff altogether
Jakob felt Alberto's lips curve into a grin against his skin and reacted in like manner.
“Well, you were asking for it, Alberto.”
“Yes, I was and thank you for playing along with such... enthusiasm.”
“I couldn't help it. You drive me crazy,” Jakob tightened his hold on Alberto for a moment. “Seriously, Alberto, you drive me right out of my mind, one way or another. There's nothing for it, no other explanation for how out of control I've become.”
“I'm sorry?” the Spaniard offered.
“No, you're not. For all I know, you planned all this.”
Alberto would have risen to glare at Jakob if he weren't so tired and so effectively held in place.
“You give me too much credit. I planned nothing past trying to survive this week. In fact, I was doing my best to avoid this, Jakob.”
It hurt to hear Alberto saying that and Jakob bit his lip hard, trying to swallow the disappointment.
“But I can't fight you and now you know it,” Alberto added, sensing Jakob's relief in the way his heart somersaulted erratically beneath his palm. “I guess you broke me,” he concluded, echoing something that Jakob had said to him countless times.
“Don't say that...,” Jakob protested feebly. His first thought was that he'd broken Alberto physically but then he realized what the Spaniard meant. He was broken like Jakob had been broken and they'd successfully lodged themselves deep in each other's minds. It was strangely comforting.
“It's OK, Jakob,” Alberto moved his fingers in soothing circles on Jakob's skin. “I mean, it's not OK, we're both completely fucked up, but it's only fair that we should be in the same boat.”
“Oh, I think you're a little more fucked than I am right now,” Jakob laughed, shaking Alberto's head as he did so.
“Very funny, Jakob,” the Spaniard replied dryly, but he was also grinning. He raised his head and pressed a little kiss on the warm skin his cheek was resting on. It made Jakob shiver and tighten his hold on Alberto.
“Just so you know, I'll be returning the favor... and soon,” Alberto gave the younger man what might have passed for a warning look, if he weren't grinning wolfishly as he spoke. He saw Jakob's eyebrows rising in wonder and there was definitely challenge in the way Jakob grinned back. “Just not right now,” the Spaniard sighed, making himself comfortable on the warm Danish pillow. “I need a little break. This robot has to recharge its batteries before facing you again.”
Alberto was joking, but Jakob's smile faded, instantly replaced by grimace of shame. He remembered how he'd insulted Alberto, making things between them degenerate to blows.
“Alberto... I'm sorry,” he said in a barely audible voice.
“Hmm?”
“I just... dammit! I remembered what I said to you when I was crazy.”
“Doesn't temporary insanity excuse anything you might have said?” Alberto tried to keep thinks light and avoid such unpleasant recollections.
“Yes... no! No, there is no excuse. I shouldn't have said... Alberto, I don't think you're ugly!”
The Spaniard said nothing but Jakob felt his jaw tightening.
“That was a cheap shot and a lie and I'm sorry.”
“Forget it. It doesn't matter now. I got mad, I punched you although I wish I hadn't, but you deserved it and now all of that is water under the bridge, alright?”
“I hope so,” Jakob sighed.
“Come on, don't make such a big deal out of it. You've said worse things to me, remember?” Alberto mentally smacked himself, because it wasn't the thing to say if he wanted Jakob to drop the matter.
“Oh, god.... Yeah, I did. I'm such a bastard, but at least I shouldn't be a liar as well,” Jakob ran a hand over his face, before returning it to Alberto's bare shoulder. “The truth is, I find you...”
“Fucking irresistible?” Alberto supplied, because it was getting awkward and it all sounded like a conversation they weren't supposed to be having.
“Exactly. That's the exact word for it. You... I can't stop myself, Alberto, you know that. I can't hold back, whether it's being a bastard or.... or wanting you. I just lose control and you... you know what you are. I don't have to sing you praises,” Jakob stopped talking. He felt increasingly uncomfortable and wished he'd never brought it up. He did owe Alberto an apology, but saying stuff like that to the guy was weird to say the least.
“Jakob... Jakob,” Alberto raised his head and gave the Dane a warm, slightly amused look. “It's OK. You can stop saying you're sorry. I get it and I know it probably hurts worse than having your teeth pulled. But I appreciate it. Besides, it's not so much what you say, but what you do that counts. And you've shown me what effect I have on you, so...”
“You could sound less condescending about it!” Jakob cut in.
“Condescending?”
“Er... arrogant,” Jakob offered the Spaniard the closest equivalent, not to the English word that Alberto didn't know, but to what Alberto sounded like when he rambled self-righteously.
“I'm not being arrogant. Well, maybe I am, a little. But I've earned the right to be arrogant. It's not everyday that I drive a guy like you completely wild.”
“A guy like me?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don't.”
“Come on...”
“Alberto!”
“Look, I'm not ready to trade insults for compliments. Not yet. Give me a moment. All of this is too much and too fast, OK? But it's not a mystery how attracted I am to you, even when you're trying to kill me. That says a lot, right?”
“You're crazy...,” Jakob laughed, hugging Alberto tight and petting his shoulder.
“Yes, so are you. We've already established that,” Alberto smiled, happy to be held like that and quite unsettled by it.
“Tell me when you're ready to stop insulting me. It'll be a refreshing change.”
“Will you do the same for me?”
“I'll try, Alberto. But I can't promise anything. Trading barbs with you is fun.”
“Yeah, I kind of like it, too. Although I have to say you're far more beautiful when you're happy and you smile, than when you're glaring and frowning and saying hateful things to me.”
Jakob shook his head, grinning wryly. He ran his fingers over Alberto's neck and his back in a feathery caress.
“Let me tell you a little secret...,” he said. “Most of the bark is just that, barking. I don't mean most of the stupid things I say to you.”
“I know that,” Alberto smiled and rubbed his cheek against Jakob's skin. “You're not nearly as vile and as mean as you pretend. That's why I could never really hate you, not even when you really deserved it.”
“Wait... you... you don't hate me?” Jakob inquired, his voice high and full of surprise.
“Er, I thought that's pretty obvious,” Alberto tried not to laugh. Their exchange was becoming ridiculous.
“No. No, it isn't. Nothing about you is obvious. I can never tell what's going on in that head of yours.”
“Well, good. But there's not a lot of mystery left now. The thing is... I don't hate you at all, Jakob. The attraction was always there... I mean, who isn't attracted to you? Then I was intrigued when you started our thing, over the phone, and you couldn't or didn't want to stop, even if it put us both in a lot of trouble. I didn't want to, but I became interested, no, I became fascinated by you. And now you're really messing with my head, holding me like this. I thought you'd just turn the other way and treat what happened tonight like nothing more than sex.”
“But... it is more than sex...,” Jakob trailed off, taken aback by Alberto's confession and how much it must have cost him to make it. Jakob didn't feel nearly so brave or loquacious. He stared into the flames and tried to absorb what he'd heard. He wanted to say something equally meaningful but what? And, more importantly, what could he do to back up such words? What had they gotten themselves into?
Alberto closed his eyes and relaxed against Jakob's chest. He felt much lighter, although he wasn't supposed to be relieved or comfortable. He was still in the arms of someone he couldn't trust and showing such vulnerability would surely backfire, but getting rid of so many bottled-up feelings was good. The ball, as they said, was in the other guy’s court. All Alberto had to do was ready himself for whatever Jakob decided to throw back. He didn't expect anything good, but then, there had been so few good things between them that amazing sex and cuddling after it couldn't make up for. Alberto sighed and closed his eyes, letting Jakob's heartbeat lull him into a semi-conscious state.
Silence seemed to stretch out forever and Jakob wondered whether Alberto had fallen asleep. He wouldn't put it past the Spaniard to just drop a bomb and then conveniently nod off. On one hand, Jakob wanted the talking to stop, but having Alberto shut up was only part of the problem. Jakob's own thoughts weren't so easy to silence.
“Alberto?”
“Mmm?”
“Are you asleep?”
“Almost. You're not. Should I get off? Your arm must be numb by now.”
“No, it's not,” Jakob demonstrated by running the hand in question over Alberto's back. “Don't move, unless you're uncomfortable.”
Alberto smiled, nuzzling Jakob's skin and thinking that uncomfortable was the furthest thing from describing what he felt like.
“Since when do we care so much about each other's comfort?” he asked.
“I don't know,” Jakob whispered. “But it looks like we do. Maybe after attacking each other?”
“Could be,” Alberto agreed, wishing that they didn't have to get into that again.
“I have a better question, Alberto. What the hell is going on with us?”
“I don't know,” it was Alberto's turn to whisper, after a long moment of silence. “I have no idea and I'm completely thrown off.”
“Me too. You know, it's funny. I used to think that if I could have you... if I could fuck you just once, it would put an end to the madness and I'd get over it. You've been feeding my obsession and I should have struggled against it, but I wanted you more and more each time. It's so wrong and I hoped that having you like I had you tonight would...”
“Heal you?” Alberto interrupted, unwilling to hear Jakob say such things, even if he didn't say anything that Alberto hadn't already thought of.
“Ha! There is no cure for what I've got. I realize that now. If wanting you is a disease, my days are numbered, Alberto.”
Although the choice of words was awful and one of the worst things Alberto had ever been at the receiving end of, he tried not to show how much it affected him.
“Well, if it's any consolation, I will wait for you in hell. Because whatever you've got, I have it worse and you're right, there is no cure,” he said.
The finality in Alberto's words hurt worse than any physical blow Jakob had received from the Spaniard. It must have been the most horrible confession or declaration or whatever the hell it was that anyone had ever heard. There was no way Jakob could leave things at that.
“No!” he cried out in protest. “Alberto, just… no!”
“What?” Alberto lifted his head and blinked wearily.
“Get up,” Jakob moved beneath the Spaniard, motioning him to rise. “Come on, get off me.”
Alberto didn’t feel much like doing that, but he obeyed the command and moved away from Jakob’s warmth. He stood next to the couch, giving Jakob an apprehensive look. The Dane shuffled beneath the blankets and lay on his side, head propped on one hand. He’d made enough room for Alberto to stay in the same position.
“Now come back here,” Jakob patted the empty space, holding the covers up for Alberto. “No, not with your back to me,” he shook his head, when Alberto made to sit back down. “I want to see your face.”
“Jakob, do we have to do this? It’s weird,” Alberto frowned, but complied, lying on his side and resting his head on his folded arm. Beneath the blankets, Jakob put one arm around his waist and pulled him closer.
“Yes, we have to do this!” Jakob frowned, fixing Alberto with a hard look that showed how serious he was. “Listen, I refuse to believe that I’m sick and insane, OK?”
“Okay?” Alberto repeated the question, wondering the point was.
“I don’t have a name for what is going on with both of us, but I refuse to believe it’s a disease!” Jakob became a little more worked up with each word.
“But you called it that!”
“No, I said that I’m doomed if it were a disease, but it’s not!” Jakob glared, daring Alberto to say otherwise.
The Spaniard closed his eyes and smiled to himself, making Jakob ask him why he did that, why was he smiling in that all-knowing way?!
“Jakob, calm down. You’re right, I agree with you. And you know why?” Alberto raised his hand and ran his fingers over the injured side of Jakob’s face in a very gentle caress. “It’s because something so strong, that feels so good just can’t be wrong,” he said in a soft voice, his eyes never leaving Jakob’s.
“Alberto…”
“I mean it, Jakob.”
Alberto’s hand slipped from Jakob’s face and was momentarily crushed between then, when Jakob leaned forward and kissed him.
“This feels good,” Jakob whispered on Alberto’s lips.
“Yes,” the Spaniard whispered back, smiling when Jakob pulled back with a soft smile of his own.
“This feels good too,” Jakob moved his hand up Alberto’s arm, on his shoulder and up his neck. He stroked Alberto’s cheek with his thumb and gave him another soft kiss.
“Yes it does,” Alberto agreed, aware how easy it was to let himself be seduced by those little displays of tenderness.
“What do I do with you?” Jakob seemed to be asking himself, rather than Alberto.
“What do you want to do with me?”
“What do you want me to do with you?”
They both snorted after that exchange, rolling their eyes at each other.
“Well, that helped a lot,” Alberto concluded with a wry grin.
“Yeah, but the fact remains, we’re still in a fix. And I’m thinking…” Jakob hesitated.
“What?”
“Oh, I may be very sorry for saying this but… what if we’re just being blind and foolish and ignorant and stubborn?”
Alberto’s eyebrow rose in an expression that said they were both at least some of those things, if not all.
“And…?”
“And… I know you don’t trust me and you’ll probably think that I’m trying to make stuff up just to screw with you…” Jakob stopped for breath and to squeeze Alberto’s shoulder, because the Spaniard looked like Jakob was doing precisely what he claimed he wasn’t doing.
“Look, you scare the hell out of me and the last thing I ever wanted was to end up here, but… Alberto… what if this is much more than sex and messing with each other?” Jakob finally asked, although it was obvious that he’d chosen his words to imply what he meant, rather than outright saying it.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Alberto gave Jakob a shrewd look, after a taking a moment to consider.
“Damn right I am! You’d better be serious too. Because if you’re not and this is all a game to you… if all you’re aiming for is to manipulate and destroy me, then you’re just not human!”
Cold emptiness settled in the pit of Alberto’s stomach and he looked at Jakob with big, sad eyes. How many times had he been told that, only to have whoever had said it apologize a million worthless times? Didn’t they know that every time he heard that, it made Alberto wish he were an emotion-free machine more and more?
A moment later, Jakob lowered his eyes and sighed an apology. He wrapped his arm around Alberto and leaned closer to him, kissing Alberto’s temple and whispering ‘I’m sorry’ again.
“It’s OK, Jakob. You have every reason in the world to be suspicious and not trust me. That’s mostly my own doing and I can’t blame you, so you don’t have anything to be sorry for,” Alberto spoke softly, trying to make Jakob sit back. He was too close and kissing him until they both forgot their own names looked like a very tempting option to Alberto. It was so much easier to get along with Jakob when he did other things with his mouth than speaking…
“It’s not OK. A lot of things are not OK,” Jakob said, lying back, but only after he’d given Alberto another one of those unsettling kisses.
“I know,” Alberto frowned. “But I can’t deal with all that right now.”
“You need some time to raise your defenses and prepare yourself?” Jakob matched the frown.
“You don’t?”
“Of course I do. But maybe I’m tired of doing that over and over again. Maybe I don’t want to find myself excuses for what I do with you. I’m tired of fighting, Alberto,” Jakob sighed and averted his eyes. It wasn’t easy to admit, but that dejected look on Alberto’s face a minute before had told Jakob that maybe he shouldn’t be so afraid of the guy.
“So am I,” Alberto nodded slowly. “But what else can we do but fight? What else do we know?”
“Well, look at us now. And before, when it was so good. You said it yourself. Maybe we can try to really get along.”
“Is this how we should be getting along?” Alberto replied with a wry grin. Beneath the blankets, he moved closer to Jakob and slipped one of his legs between Jakob’s. “How do you suppose this is going to work?”
“I have no idea,” Jakob exhaled in response. “But there’s no going back to how we were before, that much I’m sure of.”
“Right. Jakob?”
“Yes?”
“Have you thought about how much you stand to lose by doing this?”
Jakob would have looked into Alberto’s eyes when he answered, but he couldn’t, because the Spaniard had moved so close he was practically plastered against him. Alberto’s breath on Jakob’s skin sent shivers down his spine.
“I’ve thought about it every time I’ve talked to you. And every time I remember you. And every time somebody mentions your name. I know that WE could both lose everything and that we’re all but living a double life, but can I stop it? Obviously not. Can you?”
“Obviously not. We’re both here and I don’t think you found much opposition in me when push came to shove,” Alberto’s grinned against Jakob’s neck, feeling his laughter as well as hearing it.
“So now what?”
“I don’t know. You’re suggesting that we should keep doing this. Even knowing that it will only get us further and deeper into trouble,” Alberto said.
“I don’t think we have much choice. We’re stuck here for another four days and I don’t think I can ignore you. I couldn’t even when we weren’t… oh, hell, I was so pissed off that you weren’t speaking to me today…”
“Hmmm, so I should not give you the silent treatment again? Unless I want you to blow a fuse and shoot me down, or something.”
“You could shut up right now,” Jakob suggested. He pried Alberto away from him and kissed him, not so softly this time. It made his jaw and lip ache, but it was alright.
“Will you do that if I keep saying mean things?” Alberto grinned.
“I will say mean things back and then kiss you. How about that? Do we have a deal?” Jakob smiled teasingly.
“I can live with that,” Alberto replied in like manner, although how long he would live with that was another matter altogether.
“OK. Meanwhile… will you at least think about it?”
“About what?”
“About us, Alberto…”
“There is ‘us’?”
”Oh, screw you! There is, now,” Jakob felt like squeezing the breath right out of the annoying guy.
“If you say so…”
“Jesus, Alberto, don’t be so difficult. Not now. We’re in this together, didn’t you tell me that before?”
“Sure looks that way…, ” Alberto drawled, amused by the raise it got out of Jakob.
“Please?!”
“Alright, alright. We’ll talk about everything tomorrow. We’ve got ample of time for it, anyway. Just let me enjoy the way we are right now. Let me be close to you and not worry about anything. Can I have that?” Alberto gave Jakob a very convincing version of the puppy eyes.
“Oh,” Jakob breathed, rendered speechless. He hugged Alberto as close as he could with one arm and kissed the top of his head. “Do you want to sleep?”
“Honestly?”
“Yeah?”
“No. I want to do something else,” Alberto replied. He moved his knee up the inside of Jakob’s thighs, in wordless suggestion.
“But…”
“We might as well…”
“But you said you needed to recover and you’re not in any shape to…”
“Hey, I might not be in any shape to be fucked again, but you are…,” Alberto looked up at Jakob’s gaping face with a grin full of teeth.
“Oh… hmm. l…”
“Is that a ’no’, Jakob?”
“No,” Jakob sighed in defeat, but he was already smiling in anticipation.
“Good. We’re going to hell anyway, so we might as well make it a fun ride.”
Jakob had no argument against that. He pulled Alberto flush against him and rolled on his back, kissing Alberto and welcoming him to do what he did best. Thinking and worrying could wait awhile.