Crackfic! Weiss Kreuz/Naruto fic, untitled
In this post http://ann89103.livejournal.com/125743.html , lady_ganesh requested An extremely funny Naruto/WK fusion. Or crossover.. I live to torture please, so here goes:
Schuldig was pissed. Usually these crazy jaunts across time and space Schwarz went on with amazing frequency resulted in him having a great time while his teammates suffered. This time, he was the one feeling restless and bored while the rest of Schwarz enjoyed all the hospitality Konoha had to offer.
He still couldn’t believe Nagi, of all people, found someone so easily. But it made sense, he supposed: Gaara of the Sand was moody, withdrawn, indescribably powerful and with a deeply-hidden, desperate need for love. Nagi couldn’t have chosen a better kindred soul to bond with.
Farfarello spent his time stalking Ibiki Morono. It was understandable that the Irishman was fascinated by the head of the Torture and Interrogation unit, Schuldig decided. Their official sparring matches were eagerly anticipated by most of the residents of Konoha, though Schuldig was sure if they were privy to the two men’s nighttime, private battles, they wouldn’t be so enthused. Farfarello seemed to enjoy the new scars, though, and positively adored the new weaponry he had obtained.
Nagi’s and Farfarello’s relationships were a pleasant surprise, even if Schuldig would deny ever feeling such kind-hearted, sappy emotions for his teammates. What both shocked Schuldig and sent him into a jealous rage was how much fun Brad Crawford was having. Crawford was actually involved in multiple relationships, to Schuldig’s envious dismay: he couldn’t imagine how these crazy, psychotic ninja (Itachi, Kabuto, Orochimaru, among others) had gotten that huge stick out of Crawford’s ass so easily… maybe one of those replacement jutsus he’d heard so much about put a vibrator in its place? Stranger things have happened, he supposed.
It wasn’t the sex, Schuldig decided, that Crawford enjoyed: it was the chance to manipulate and control cunning, ambitious men similar to himself, and the various villages in this universe that always seemed on the verge of war made for a fertile environment for his scheming.
Schuldig enjoyed a good ruse himself, and was always ready for some classic mindfuckery: however, no-one here in Konoha, nor the neighboring villages, seemed to inspire much interest from him. Everyone was, beneath the surface, amazingly similar to their outer selves: goodie-goodies or unflinchingly evil. There just wasn’t any sport in it, he despaired, and he found the whole society to be simply boring.
That, and the clothing in this universe was unequivocally vile. The green vests, tan pants and plain metal headgear was dreary and uninspiring, and Schuldig shuddered from phantom horror whenever he remembered the open-toed sandals. He had thought Gaara’s brother might be amusing to hang out with - at least the makeup had possibilities, and he always did have a thing for puppets - but the black cat-suit the ninja wore was anything but slinky and sleek.
Even the porn here was banal. The dog-eared copies of Icha-Icha Paradise Hatake Kakashi (the only ninja Schuldig could stand being around) left him before heading out on a month-long mission was abandoned after one day. So Schuldig did what any self-respecting psychic villain would do in his situation: he moped.
His teammates, naturally, either mocked or ignored him. But if there’s one thing Schuldig was very good at, it’s taking his bad mood out on other people. So after a week of torturing everyone in the village, the Hokage got together with the rest of Schwarz and decided to find Schuldig someone to focus his attention on.
The next day Schuldig was pleased when a sharp, dark-haired woman approached him at a dango stand. The intensity of anger and wildness in her mind drew him like no-one else he had encountered so far, so he willingly followed Anko to a remote training area. What he did not expect was the appearance of a powerfully-built ninja with a bowl haircut and the most ridiculously tight green spandex outfit Schuldig had ever seen.
“Say hello to your new rival, Gai,” Anko sneered. “He’ll keep you challenged while Kakashi is out of town.” With that, the woman quickly disappeared.
Schuldig eyed his new companion warily, and with good reason. He almost flinched at the booming, exuberant voice that shouted, “Welcome, Schururudigu! I am Maito Gai, and I shall challenge you in feats of daring, endurance and strength every single day of your stay here in Konoha!”
It was at this point that Schuldig decided to defect to Akatsuki. At least they knew the value of a good, fashionable coat.
Schuldig was pissed. Usually these crazy jaunts across time and space Schwarz went on with amazing frequency resulted in him having a great time while his teammates suffered. This time, he was the one feeling restless and bored while the rest of Schwarz enjoyed all the hospitality Konoha had to offer.
He still couldn’t believe Nagi, of all people, found someone so easily. But it made sense, he supposed: Gaara of the Sand was moody, withdrawn, indescribably powerful and with a deeply-hidden, desperate need for love. Nagi couldn’t have chosen a better kindred soul to bond with.
Farfarello spent his time stalking Ibiki Morono. It was understandable that the Irishman was fascinated by the head of the Torture and Interrogation unit, Schuldig decided. Their official sparring matches were eagerly anticipated by most of the residents of Konoha, though Schuldig was sure if they were privy to the two men’s nighttime, private battles, they wouldn’t be so enthused. Farfarello seemed to enjoy the new scars, though, and positively adored the new weaponry he had obtained.
Nagi’s and Farfarello’s relationships were a pleasant surprise, even if Schuldig would deny ever feeling such kind-hearted, sappy emotions for his teammates. What both shocked Schuldig and sent him into a jealous rage was how much fun Brad Crawford was having. Crawford was actually involved in multiple relationships, to Schuldig’s envious dismay: he couldn’t imagine how these crazy, psychotic ninja (Itachi, Kabuto, Orochimaru, among others) had gotten that huge stick out of Crawford’s ass so easily… maybe one of those replacement jutsus he’d heard so much about put a vibrator in its place? Stranger things have happened, he supposed.
It wasn’t the sex, Schuldig decided, that Crawford enjoyed: it was the chance to manipulate and control cunning, ambitious men similar to himself, and the various villages in this universe that always seemed on the verge of war made for a fertile environment for his scheming.
Schuldig enjoyed a good ruse himself, and was always ready for some classic mindfuckery: however, no-one here in Konoha, nor the neighboring villages, seemed to inspire much interest from him. Everyone was, beneath the surface, amazingly similar to their outer selves: goodie-goodies or unflinchingly evil. There just wasn’t any sport in it, he despaired, and he found the whole society to be simply boring.
That, and the clothing in this universe was unequivocally vile. The green vests, tan pants and plain metal headgear was dreary and uninspiring, and Schuldig shuddered from phantom horror whenever he remembered the open-toed sandals. He had thought Gaara’s brother might be amusing to hang out with - at least the makeup had possibilities, and he always did have a thing for puppets - but the black cat-suit the ninja wore was anything but slinky and sleek.
Even the porn here was banal. The dog-eared copies of Icha-Icha Paradise Hatake Kakashi (the only ninja Schuldig could stand being around) left him before heading out on a month-long mission was abandoned after one day. So Schuldig did what any self-respecting psychic villain would do in his situation: he moped.
His teammates, naturally, either mocked or ignored him. But if there’s one thing Schuldig was very good at, it’s taking his bad mood out on other people. So after a week of torturing everyone in the village, the Hokage got together with the rest of Schwarz and decided to find Schuldig someone to focus his attention on.
The next day Schuldig was pleased when a sharp, dark-haired woman approached him at a dango stand. The intensity of anger and wildness in her mind drew him like no-one else he had encountered so far, so he willingly followed Anko to a remote training area. What he did not expect was the appearance of a powerfully-built ninja with a bowl haircut and the most ridiculously tight green spandex outfit Schuldig had ever seen.
“Say hello to your new rival, Gai,” Anko sneered. “He’ll keep you challenged while Kakashi is out of town.” With that, the woman quickly disappeared.
Schuldig eyed his new companion warily, and with good reason. He almost flinched at the booming, exuberant voice that shouted, “Welcome, Schururudigu! I am Maito Gai, and I shall challenge you in feats of daring, endurance and strength every single day of your stay here in Konoha!”
It was at this point that Schuldig decided to defect to Akatsuki. At least they knew the value of a good, fashionable coat.