Just wishing
Ruth never friended me on facebook, not too suprised, disappointed though. I would not excpect a good Christian woman to strike up a relationship with a married man. So is my quandry. I am afraid to leave the safety of my marriage and strike out into the unknown for fear of finding no one, and being all alone, yet it is the very safety net that keeps me from finding my soul mate. I don't regret my marriage and the blessings that came from it, my kids. I don't even hate my wife, who I consider a friend. But I long for a deep romantic, spiritual connection, someone I could love more then my kids (and that is saying a lot), someone who truly completes me, and sacrifices themselves for my happiness, someone I don't grudge giving all of myself for.
****WARNING VENT SESSION IN PROGRESS*****
I'm tired of being in a relationship that is about taking rather then giving. I am always the one cleaning house, doing dishes, doing laundry, nothing gets done unless I start it. I am always picking up my wifes dirty clothes, shoes tossed on the living room floor, bathroom that never gets cleaned unless I clean it. My kids do more toward taking care of the house then my wife. I do all the yard work, she trashes the car she drives, leaving moldy food containers from her many trips to the fast food resteraunt, always eating, then complaining she can't loose weight when she eats more them me, and sneaks food, spend. She won't excercise, I offered to get her a gym membership, I offered to walk with her, but she always has a reason why not. Then again nothing is her problem, it is the diet pills, it is the hyperthyroid, it is having kids, it is depression, it is that I eat big portions, or the kids don't eat enough, and on and on. The family went into debt to finance her schooling in massage, she gives everyone free massages, but not the family. She earns $20-40 a week, and often skips work, because she is too tired, doesn't feel good, then I come home and she is watching TV or playing on the computer. She doesn't want new cloths, because they are always a size larger. I like long hair so she keeps cutting her hair shorters, and letting my boy grow his hair like a girl. Then when her mom complains about his hair, she blames me or says that is the way he wants it, like she has no authority over him, he's 5yrs old. I just find her so often repulsive like Jabba the Hut or some big over weight slug, that is too lazy to do anything but shovel food in her mouth. She is always going to the doctor for health issues, and now hides her doctor reports from me. He tells her to loose weight because she is very unhealth. Her legs and knees hurt her and she is only 36yrs old. She can't hike with me any more as she gets winded too easy and has chaffing issues. I am 5'10" at 200lbs; and she is 5'1" at 245lbs. My poor daughter is falling into the same pattern as her mom. My wife claims to be a Christian, but it is all book learning, and no passion. She loves the kids, but can't stand to have them too close to her. She will play with my son kissy face, and then shove him of yell at him for getting to close after she got him worked up. He just doesn't understand at 5yr old why all of a sudden momma's mad at him. She is always misplacing things and blaming me or the kids, but the truth is she keeps thing so cluttered that she can't keep track of things. We also have grown apart in many ways. I am traditional country in my preferance of furnishings and she like contemporary look. I like women with long hair and boys with short hair, she is opposite. She is happy with a cluttered messy house or sparse and trashed look; I like clean, lots of nick-nacks and collectables. Sexually she is more into the down and dirty, mess, and quite frequent. I don't mind frequency, but I like romance, cuddling, passionate love making. But for a long time it has been a marriage void of sex, even though we have 4 kids, it is more a matter of fertility, then quantity. When she got so heavy that she makes it hard to breath, or hard to lift, and the fat folds just aren't attractive for me visually. Also she wouldn't bath, she would stink of body odor, and bad breath, it just became too repulsive. And so I remain in this twilght zone, still faithful, but aching for a loving relationship.
We have been married for 16yrs and want out, I have mentioned divorce, but she freaks out, starts crying, won't talk about the issues. I was thinking last night and every place we have been we have gone to marriage councilling to no avail. 7 different times we have been to councilors. And they have all asked her to make changes but she never has. I have tried to hold up my end of things. I was told to be more thankful and complimentary. I don't give complements easy, as I feel you have to deserve them first. So I tried to be complimentary and each time she got upset and accused me of being ingenuine, and not really meaning it. Yet, I can't say she has ever cheated on me, or been abusive, or an alcholic. She always buys me things I don't need, never listens to me when I tell her what I want. My love language is Service, but she doesn't do that. For 16yrs she has forgotten my Birthday and treated as though it was unimportant. My family always treated Birthdays as special days, but not my wife. Yet, if I forget her birthday she cries and gets mad at me. Everything she does tends to be from selfish motivation, as long as it benafits her then it gets done. If there is something important to her it happens on time.
I so want to leave this marriage and find someone I can live life with. Here is my dream. Hiking, traveling around in a nice camper from place to place, exploring nature, visiting historical sites. Traveling around Europe exploring new cultures. Learning photography and photoshopping. Whitewater rafting, camping with my kids. Maybe writing a book. Someone who is passionate about the Lord. Going on mission trips and helping people. Going to places like Australia, Hawaii, New Zealand. Mountain climbing, bike riding. Someone to jog with or go on walks. Someone to go to Dragon Con with and Rennisance fairs, maybe Scottish get togethers, but is also grounded in reality. Someone to sip wine with at night and curl up to a good movie. Romantic dinners, cooking together fancy meals. Don't care if I have a house, or more kids. Don't mind being a dad for someone elses kids. I would love them the same as my own. Someone who cares about staying healthy, but not a health nut. Someone to share in the house work and yard work, enjoys gardening. Someone who thinks of me and trys to do special things for me to show her love. ie notes, breakfast, stopping by my work just because, not forgetting my birthday.
I wish I could find that person, that woman, my soul mate.
****WARNING VENT SESSION IN PROGRESS*****
I'm tired of being in a relationship that is about taking rather then giving. I am always the one cleaning house, doing dishes, doing laundry, nothing gets done unless I start it. I am always picking up my wifes dirty clothes, shoes tossed on the living room floor, bathroom that never gets cleaned unless I clean it. My kids do more toward taking care of the house then my wife. I do all the yard work, she trashes the car she drives, leaving moldy food containers from her many trips to the fast food resteraunt, always eating, then complaining she can't loose weight when she eats more them me, and sneaks food, spend. She won't excercise, I offered to get her a gym membership, I offered to walk with her, but she always has a reason why not. Then again nothing is her problem, it is the diet pills, it is the hyperthyroid, it is having kids, it is depression, it is that I eat big portions, or the kids don't eat enough, and on and on. The family went into debt to finance her schooling in massage, she gives everyone free massages, but not the family. She earns $20-40 a week, and often skips work, because she is too tired, doesn't feel good, then I come home and she is watching TV or playing on the computer. She doesn't want new cloths, because they are always a size larger. I like long hair so she keeps cutting her hair shorters, and letting my boy grow his hair like a girl. Then when her mom complains about his hair, she blames me or says that is the way he wants it, like she has no authority over him, he's 5yrs old. I just find her so often repulsive like Jabba the Hut or some big over weight slug, that is too lazy to do anything but shovel food in her mouth. She is always going to the doctor for health issues, and now hides her doctor reports from me. He tells her to loose weight because she is very unhealth. Her legs and knees hurt her and she is only 36yrs old. She can't hike with me any more as she gets winded too easy and has chaffing issues. I am 5'10" at 200lbs; and she is 5'1" at 245lbs. My poor daughter is falling into the same pattern as her mom. My wife claims to be a Christian, but it is all book learning, and no passion. She loves the kids, but can't stand to have them too close to her. She will play with my son kissy face, and then shove him of yell at him for getting to close after she got him worked up. He just doesn't understand at 5yr old why all of a sudden momma's mad at him. She is always misplacing things and blaming me or the kids, but the truth is she keeps thing so cluttered that she can't keep track of things. We also have grown apart in many ways. I am traditional country in my preferance of furnishings and she like contemporary look. I like women with long hair and boys with short hair, she is opposite. She is happy with a cluttered messy house or sparse and trashed look; I like clean, lots of nick-nacks and collectables. Sexually she is more into the down and dirty, mess, and quite frequent. I don't mind frequency, but I like romance, cuddling, passionate love making. But for a long time it has been a marriage void of sex, even though we have 4 kids, it is more a matter of fertility, then quantity. When she got so heavy that she makes it hard to breath, or hard to lift, and the fat folds just aren't attractive for me visually. Also she wouldn't bath, she would stink of body odor, and bad breath, it just became too repulsive. And so I remain in this twilght zone, still faithful, but aching for a loving relationship.
We have been married for 16yrs and want out, I have mentioned divorce, but she freaks out, starts crying, won't talk about the issues. I was thinking last night and every place we have been we have gone to marriage councilling to no avail. 7 different times we have been to councilors. And they have all asked her to make changes but she never has. I have tried to hold up my end of things. I was told to be more thankful and complimentary. I don't give complements easy, as I feel you have to deserve them first. So I tried to be complimentary and each time she got upset and accused me of being ingenuine, and not really meaning it. Yet, I can't say she has ever cheated on me, or been abusive, or an alcholic. She always buys me things I don't need, never listens to me when I tell her what I want. My love language is Service, but she doesn't do that. For 16yrs she has forgotten my Birthday and treated as though it was unimportant. My family always treated Birthdays as special days, but not my wife. Yet, if I forget her birthday she cries and gets mad at me. Everything she does tends to be from selfish motivation, as long as it benafits her then it gets done. If there is something important to her it happens on time.
I so want to leave this marriage and find someone I can live life with. Here is my dream. Hiking, traveling around in a nice camper from place to place, exploring nature, visiting historical sites. Traveling around Europe exploring new cultures. Learning photography and photoshopping. Whitewater rafting, camping with my kids. Maybe writing a book. Someone who is passionate about the Lord. Going on mission trips and helping people. Going to places like Australia, Hawaii, New Zealand. Mountain climbing, bike riding. Someone to jog with or go on walks. Someone to go to Dragon Con with and Rennisance fairs, maybe Scottish get togethers, but is also grounded in reality. Someone to sip wine with at night and curl up to a good movie. Romantic dinners, cooking together fancy meals. Don't care if I have a house, or more kids. Don't mind being a dad for someone elses kids. I would love them the same as my own. Someone who cares about staying healthy, but not a health nut. Someone to share in the house work and yard work, enjoys gardening. Someone who thinks of me and trys to do special things for me to show her love. ie notes, breakfast, stopping by my work just because, not forgetting my birthday.
I wish I could find that person, that woman, my soul mate.