(no subject)
what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.
so I last updated in detail 4 months ago, to the day actually. i regret everything social i've done here, in CA, since then. It diverted my long-term goals, undermined my ability to make good choices, and laid to rest and reset any progression made on many fronts since i've gotten here. I've made many mistakes, and regret all of them; where's the delorean where you need it?? HELP ME DOC! haha. well, i guess everything's improving so the delorean isn't needed; i would take it all back but can now look to the future and see it for what it is. Promising.
I'm steadily climbing the work ladder again; i'm a trainer now, making almost 12 an hour there and hoping to become a Server Assistant that makes 14 an hour over the next few months. after weeks like this with the management, i could be on my way within the month, haha.
Tips have been, quite frankly, Shitty. but making 8 an hour as a safety net (i sound like howie mandel) makes it bearable for now. the recession has hit hard and people can't afford it, have become tighter and stingier in tipping for some other reason(s), or both. No matter the reason, it sucks, but it's ok since i'm rising my status of superiority at OG.
I hate paying taxes, but my return is fat so that should improve my situation right now. I filed online, and i believe i did it incorrectly; i owed MA $62 dollars, received $120 from CA, and received $795 from the big Fed. But, i redid my return and added a refund credit i believe i should receive, which would bump my federal return to $1,313. which would be, um, AMAZING considering the pennies i'm pushing right now. but we'll see what i can do about it in the days and weeks to come.
My trip home, was, to be completely honest, so enlightening. despite loving everything there, if i could move back, to be honest, i dont think i would. seeing as not much has changed, the weather is still AWFUL, and the people i love most are probably or definetly moving out here within a fair amount of time, i like it here. the weather is incredible, the school's are promising and cheap, and with the phrase "no fear, no distractions; the ability to let that which does not matter truly slide" at mind's front, i believe it's the best in the long run. But for two weeks of time, my trip a) felt SO much longer, and b) was the best two weeks of the last few years as i saw it. Time was of the essence, well spent, spent happily, doing things i love with people that mean the most to me, and it was the greatest time ive had in a while; hence the realization upon coming home to CA, seeing it for what it was, and morphing my altered, dysfunctional lifestyle. I cant wait for brooke to come here, to start our lives together, for my family to eventually get here, and to complete my life. it's all i need. and it's all a matter of time (i would hope).
i strongly believe at this point, even in the face of awful decisions, hidden action, lies, deceit, wrongdoing, that everything happens for a reason, and that no action occurs without purpose. i have made many wrong choices upon my arrival here, in the face of isolation and lonliness. but in seeing that the world did not stop turning, that the sky didnt fall, that judgement day did not come, how can one not believe that there's a reason for everything. Everything. Knowing what horrible things could have come out of what i've done, but to see what has happened in it's wake, what changes have arisen, what forgiveness has been granted, what good that has been brought to the horizion in spite of it, I am enlightened and thankful. Truly.
i've come to love and do several things since i've been here, consistently. Work, play poker (online mostly), watch and analyze sports (i'm watching tennis right now, haha), and wait for brooke. and I really cant wait. Our lives are going to be great, i know it. and there's so much to look forward to.
That's 4 months worth of mind-squeezing. maybe i'll come back soon, or maybe in 4 months. who knows
kanye west - welcome to heartbreak
kanye west - bad news
kanye west - coldest winter
kanye west - paranoid
the sound of animals fighting - skullflower
coheed and cambria - the crowing
coheed and cambria - in keeping secrets of silent earth 3
coheed and cambria - three evils (embodied in love and shadow)
all that remains - whispers (i hear you)
between the buried and me - Live (album)
enter shikari - adieu
from autumn to ashes - daylight slaving
from autumn to ashes - on the offensive
all that remains - a song for the hopeless