hey lo!
so i think the last journal i posted said something about jamie and i getting married??? well... scratch that. i called off the engagement. no, he didnt cheat on me, nor have i cheated on him. everything is fine except for the fact that he aggravates the hell out of me!! i thought him being in the navy would have helped him to grow and mature into a man. wrong... hes obsessive, jealous, paranoid, psychotic!! he has to know what im doing, where im at, who im with, who i have talked with that day, and then he wants to know my future plans for the next day!! i cant handle it. we are still together, but i dont know for how much longer. he is coming home for good in a week or 2 or 3. no more than 3. he wants us to move in together.. but i dont know if i can handle that. i mean he is miles away now and i cant stand him sometimes. it would be worse if we were living together and i was having to deal with him on a daily basis. he doesnt want me having male friends what so ever. i have a friend that i speak with almost on a daily basis. we really are JUST FRIENDS. thats it. friends. and jamie swears there is something going on. yeah... i do care for this other guy, but we dont express things like that to one another. we have talked about possibilities, but he knows i am with jamie and we both know what is right and what is wrong. jamie wants me to stop talking to him. but i dont want to... and that is another thing... i dont know what may happen. im trying to take things one day at a time, but im getting so fed up with jamies demands and his future plans for us regardless of what i want out of life. i know what i should do, but i just cant get myself to do it. and even if i were to do it, jamie wouldnt let it go! i have tried... so many times, yes, leaving him. i have tried so many times and he wont let me leave him. ill leave him then he calls an hour later like nothing happened. telling me he loves me!! im like.."i just left you!" eventually.. i give up and i give into him. i figure its easier to let him think everything is fine between us so he'll leave me alone... cause when we arent together, he buggs me even more! i know right? makes no sense. anyway.. maybe... SOON, ill get that extra shove i need to say "its over" and when that happens, itll be for good. i just hate that i will be hurting him. technically, he hasnt done anything wrong. hasnt cheated, hasnt hit me, hasnt called me a name, hasnt yelled or cursed at me. hes just so damn clingy and paranoid. anyway.. i have to get ready for work. work!! i love it... not.oh. lilly will be a year tomorrow. and i am throwing her first party ever on saturday!! hosting my daughters birthday party. wow. im a mommy. :)